I'm at a bit of a loss here, and wondered if anyone can shed some light on this for me...

I'm 33, my wife is 38, we've been married for 2 1/2 years, together for 7 1/2 in total.

We have two kids, S6 and D3.

I love her more than I can put into words, and she is the most gorgeous woman in the world. Really.

But... we haven't had sex for 2 whole years.

Now for some background... for our first two/three years together, sex was was really good, it happened often, and it was regular. Then with two kids in the picture, frequency dropped off. And off. And off.

Around 12 months ago (after we'd had some pretty bad luck with me losing the biggest business contract I had - I'm self employed - and some serious personal joint debt) I discovered my wife was having an online EA with someone 14 years younger than herself, and who lives abroad. Shortly afterwards, I got the ILYBINILWY speech, and she moved out into a rented room leaving me with our two kids, then aged 5 and 2.

I then discovered she'd flown out to meet the EA Kid for a weekend after she moved out, although this happened only once and judging by the emails I sneakily read from this kid to her afterwards, it wasn't the most 'perfect' of weekends, and she didn't do it again. As predicted to me by many of her family and friends, the whole EA fizzled out pretty quick and she definitely isn't in contact with him any more, although the whole thing hurt me more than anything else ever has.

Anyway, around 4 months after she moved out, we decided that we could make a fresh start and be a family again, she apologised for what had happened, and she moved back in with us.

Since then, things really have been a lot better than they were before she moved out. She's told me that she's happier than she's been in a long time, I know I'm happier than I've been in a long time, too, and our marriage seems really strong now - and it's great to hear her make plans for us and get excited about our future all over again.

Yet there's still no real interest in sex on her part.

Now, it's not that there's no physical contact at all. We sit snuggled up on the couch virtually every night we spend together in the house, she asks me for foot rubs most nights, she *loves* it when I play with her hair, we hold hands when we're out (could be initiated by either one of us), we kiss on the lips every morning before she leaves for work, she likes it when I cheekily grope her occasionally round the house, we hug a lot, and in bed she lets me lie tight behind her, cuddle her, and press right up against her so that she *knows* damn well what kind of mood I'm in. She even presses back against me - and no, not in a 'pushing me away' kind of way.

But arrrrgh! That's where it stops. She just will not let me take things any further, no matter what I do. I'm not allowed to touch her intimately in bed (however, playfully grabbing her boobs around the house is OK - huh?), although stroking her neck, and ears and hair in bed, and whispering things right up against the back of her neck awhile we lie there are all fine, and I can tell she likes it - and maybe even gets a little aroused - when I do so.

But she *always* wears some kind of PJs in bed, and occasionally sweatpants and a top, and it's almost like I'd need a pair of bolt-cutters to pry them off her. Jeez.

The closest we've been to anything sexual recently was a couple weeks ago when we were lying in bed one morning and she asked me if I'd go get something for her - a book or something - from downstairs. I playfully said "no, I'd like you to *get it*", with the emphasis on 'get it' and she kinda said "would you now?", and grabbed me and started playing with me for a few minutes until we heard the kids stirring. And that was the end of that.

However, I've arranged at least 2 nights recently where the kids have been staying with grandparents, neither of us have had work the next day, and we've been able to go out and have a really good night together. But still no dice.

I've always been slightly more physically affectionate than her, but that's not to say she isn't affectionate to me, because she can be - both around the house and even moreso when there are other people around.

It's just that in two years, it has never, ever led to anything even remotely sexual, apart from the 'lying in bed behind her' thing, which is nice, but it just drives me absolutely crazy. It's also starting to make me feel a little anger and a lot (A WHOLE LOT!) of rejection.

I have tried to talk to her about all this from time to time, and her reactions range from being super PO'd with me, to silence, to changing the subject, to just the other day saying that "sex isn't important to [her]" and that I "knew what [she] was like so I shouldn't expect anything" or words to that effect.

I lay awake most of the following night thinking about that and to be honest, it's absolute nonsense, because I *do* know what she was like - and sex was a big part of both our lives before the kids.

So what can I do, except for carrying on as I am doing and hope that eventually, she finds her drive again?

Or does anyone have any educated guesses about what her issues might be? Medical? Psychological? Self-esteem? Kids?

Or am I just even imagining that there's a problem?

I know I'm not in anywhere near as bad a position as some people on this board, but it's getting bad enough for me to start thinking that I may not be able to live like this for much longer. And I hate feeling like that.

I'd be really grateful if someone could offer some advice - so thanks in advance!