Well, guys, my feelings got the best of me last night and I opened my W's e-mail to see if she has sent any messages to OM. Now, I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I have snooped before. However, I've NEVER read any of my W's e-mail messages...only looked to whom they were addressed.

Well, last night one caught my eye that was sent by my W to her friend (F has known about the A all along), whom I like and also have a decent friendship with. This e-mail was sent about 9 days ago, which was approximately a week after I found out about the A.

Now, it was written in a stream of consciousness way, so I'm going to throw out a few key messages that were in the e-mail for you guys to give me your feedback on. She said the following:
- I feel like I really want to S...get some time to myself.
- I think it would be fun to date for a while, but then I'd still be searching for "the one." (you know guys, the soul mate). Also, I'm sure I'd date OM, but I don't think it would ever turn into anything.
- Now that I'm not seeing OM anymore, I can concentrate on... (Jethro feels some relief, but she could always go back)
- "This just ain't happenin'" (meaning, her feelings are not where they should be for me/us)
- When I looked into Jethro's eyes yesterday, I could see the pain.
- I'm going to watch Jethro. (This isn't verbatim what she said, but what was implied was that she was going to keep an eye on me. What does that mean???)

Now, was this written when she was in full-fledged alien mode, meaning it could have changed the next day, or is this what she's always thinking? Does this stuff matter? Has it changed anything in our sitch? I'm really interested in what you guys think about her watching ME???

BTW, just to set the record straight, I stopped myself from reading any more. I've always really felt that my W's personal messages/talks with others are her's alone. She also has journals/diaries that, although I've suspected the A for some time, I've never cracked to read. I've always honored this privacy, but, unfortunately, given the last few weeks I was compelled to read just this one. I'm a bit ashamed... I would have found out about the A much sooner had I read them...it's good that I didn't...

Last night was pretty uneventful. We very briefly touched on the phone call she made to OM about them not talking any more. She made plans to see her F when I got back from Yoga, and when I got back I could tell she needed to run (WAW mode). After going through this for so long now, I can recognize the signs for her needing to flee. I know a lot is on her mind because she forgot to give me an important phone message (about my sister in the hospital) and had to call me from F's to tell me. Also, she has mentioned twice in the last week that she wants to leave for a day by herself, stay overnight in some hotel/motel and "clear the cobwebs." I told her that was fine if she needed to do that. She really makes a point of telling me that it would only be herself. Ohh...why's that (heavy sarcasm)?

The pressure seems to be mounting again in her, guys. I think I've decided to really pull back on the R talks. You know, it's all been about the A lately, so I definitely won't bring that stuff up; however, in terms of our R, she has said she wants to work on it, but I'm not sure she's in a place to do it yet. Maybe I should disappear for a few days... Anyone want some company?

jethro