Afterall..... This IS my life IV for heatherg

[heatherg]

Yes, he let me sleep in the bed until it was time for him to come to bed. Then he turned the lights on so that I would leave the bed so that he could sleep in it. Make no mistake, whatever you and I think is just what we think. It's his bed.

So....I'm in Vegas. The night before I leave, H gets very jealous because I stopped at my day spa to pick up the rest of the products in the new skin care line I'm trying as well as some new makeup. He was jealous b/c he felt like I was getting the new makeup for the trip. I told him I would leave the makeup at home if he wanted, it had nothing to do with my trip, it's just me having to do things 'right now'. Gave me a pretty hard time for about 2-3 hours but then lightened up. Before I went to bed, he asked me to sit on his lap and he said 'no nightclubs'. We had a longer chat about whether or not he should still check ticket prices (me-um, yes!) and he reiterated his feelings about my sister controlling things, etc. I went to bed, all was well.
The next morning, Tuesday, I checked to see if he had disposed of the movies I asked him to dispose of Saturday night. Surprise. They were still in his laptop case. So, I went in the bedroom where he was sleeping and said 'were you serious when you said no nightclubs?' He said 'Well, there's other things you can do in Vegas isn't there?' I said 'sure. But I noticed you still haven't complied with the request I made of you. Did you decide not to throw your porn movies away or have you just not gotten around to it yet?' He ignored me, so repeated the question. That's when everything went way downhill. He said 'It's not up for discussion.' WTF????!!!!
OMG. It's not up for discussion?? You've got to be fing kidding me? His alarm clock went off at about that time and I ripped the clock out of the wall. I swear the corners of his mouth turned up, like he was thoroughly amused by me. I was absolutely, positively irate and I did not do a good job at containing it although I didn't do anything more than what I've posted here. Ripped the clock cord out of the wall and said 'you've got to be fing kidding me?!'. But that was enough, especially in light of the fact that I'm trying to work on containing myself. I told him I would appreciate it if he didn't get his sexual gratification outside of our M vows. He said 'who says I am?' Now, mind you, I know he is because I have the sreenshots....it's play, pause, play, pause, ffw 20x, play, pause, ffw 20x. I'm not stupid. He's playing games with me.

I told him we were over and he made a smug remark about the first sign of trouble and I'm running again. I told him it was not the first sign of trouble that I told him two days ago exactly what was on the line and I'd been telling him all along, but he didn't want to listen.

Guys.....18 and ready to fukc? I'm not ok with this. I'm not. In the past, I've let him pin the blame on me and say that his porn habit was because I rejected him too much. I've not rejected him once since we've reconciled, I've initiated, I've made it clear he's attractive to me..I've even said, acknowledged, that perhaps it was my fault because I wasn't fulfilling his needs and that I needed to step up. But I've done that and now he has movies? I think my H has an addictive personality and I think he's attracted to teenagers/young/youthful girls moreso than the average guy. But what do I know about the average guy? I've been with H since I was 17? Part of me wants to say I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. But that's the part of me that wants to smooth it over, put my feelings on the back burner so that everything can be ok and I won't have to spend my life without the love of my life or my kids 1/2 the time. The me that acknowledges that this is not ok, the porn, the lying, the saying that this is not up for discussion....in a M EVERYthing is supposed to be up for discussion...you can't just say that!! That me know's I've got to cut him loose so that he can reassess, reorganize his priorities.
I'm emailing him tonight to request that he rethink his answer because I agreed to work on things for another year. But telling me that this issue is 'not up for discussion' is not working on things. It's avoiding and it's not commitment. The very thing that he chastises me for and makes me sleep on the couch for......he's doing it. I'm here, I'm ready to make it work, whatever it takes. He's still not.

I'm here in Vegas, surrounded by a million people, so much going on. You wanna know how I feel? Lonely, incredibly, insatiably sad. You wanna know what I focus on? All the pictures of half naked women. This ordeal has affected me sooo much. I look in the mirror and I like what I see, usually I'm pretty ok with it. But this all, has taken me for a ride and my self esteem doesn't cut it. I know my H has lied to me. About how many things, I'll never know because he'll never tell me. Sometimes I feel like I'll never allow myself to be happy. I'll just keep picking things to fight about until my life is in shambles.

Somebody please tell me I'm not crazy.