Hey everybody. Feelin' kind of wierd today. This whole thing is so surreal. I feel kind of crappy, but not too bad, believe it or not. My wife called me this morning asking how I was doing. I told her fine, then asked her. She said, "Well, it's not every day that you wake up in the morning and call an old lover with your H standing there." She sounded pretty good, but why did she have to say, "lover."
Quoting Abby:Just back off for awhile on the OM, A, and M. Let her breath a little.
Well, Abby, I had meant to do that yesterday, but the conversation just happened (it started because she was asking what my friend thought, whom I went out to have a beer with and spilled the beans). I plan on taking a break, however. This situation is making me tired. If anything, "I" need to regroup. Overall, though, our talk last night was productive.
Quoting Bob:BTW Jethro - what are doing for yourself today?
Well, Bob, I have Yoga on Tuesdays. I'm looking forward to it... I need some meditative grounding right now.
Quoting KAW:I can't say that I had a defining moment in which I could say, "Now I forgive you.", but with each passing day, I gained a little more acceptance to be able to forgive. I'm sorry if I seem vague here, but I'm having some difficulty finding the words to express some of this right now. I might have to find some time this week to start a new thread to sort some of this out myself.
Don't think the chicken/egg thing applies here as in one follows the other ... rather that forgiveness is one ingredient of healing process as a whole ... when it comes in is not so important as knowing you are working on it. It does come slowly and last night, You took a step closer.
This helps me put things into perspective, KAW. I know I have some poignant questions that just might not be able to answered (especially since you are still healing), but I really appreciate your perspective on things. You answer my inquiries quite well, actually. My profession is that of an analyst, so I tend to pick things apart and look at things from many points of view. Of course, this is how I figured out about my W's A...all the little clues over the year bundled together. Notice anal-yst. I'm trying to work on the first four letters.
Quoting KAW:BY nurturing the R, then her feelings would blossom and she would be wearing rose colored glass when looking back through out the years. This is still possible in the future.
I truly hope so, KAW. Like I previously posted, she did tell me last night that "sometimes I think we were meant to be together." This speaks volumes that she would actually verbalize this. I'll hold onto that thought and keep at it!
Quoting Floyd:Release that anger buddy.
Owen, I'm really not all that angry anymore, believe it or not. I simply wanted to make it clear to the OM to back off. You see, my W told me previously that he felt badly about what they did (doesn't excuse it), so I was having her engage him on this premise. In retrospect, maybe I should not have done this, but I wanted to provide closure for him. I know, kind of wierd, and it's hard to explain.
Quoting Floyd:Is there anything you can think of that makes you extremely happy?
Yes, Owen--to have a fantasy of a time machine that I could use to go back in time to change some of the destructive patterns I've helped create in my M. But seriously, I have hobbies that I enjoy (woodworking, reading/writing, playing guitar and recording music), I work out, and have Yoga. There are many things that I like to do. Tonight, it's Yoga.
Overall, guys, I'm still feeling pretty good...albeit wierd. Oh well, one day at at time. At least I have my W at home committed to working things out. Right?
k jethro so now you've heard w tell om that it's over!! gotta leave it alone, don't make the same mistakes I have, I called ow myself and let her have it!! she said she was nothing and I corrected her telling her she was a peice of [censored] and WE are flushing her down the toilet, that she had better stay there cause if she didn't I'd get the plunger and shove her back down!! ahhh had some other nice things to say to her that probably hurt her more but did it do me any good??? no!!
so gotta let it go, there are more important issues at hand. (when you figure out how to really let it go, let me know!)
About the song thing again...you have had me thinking. I caught myself singing my&H's song in my head this morning. Realized we should have put more thought into it, given that H was a DJ at the time, and we are both big into music. The chorus says: "no matter what I do, I end up hurting you". Only slightly prophetic?
Quoting jethro: Sorry to hear that. Maybe you should just choose a new one yourself?
Jethro,
Right after he left, I found "my" new song, The Middle by Jimmy Eat World: "it just takes some time little girl, you're in the middle of the ride everything everything will be just fine everything everything will be all right"
I bought the CD, and will be cranking it in my new car today!
Glad to hear you are enjoying yoga so much. I go tonight. rjj
Well, guys, my feelings got the best of me last night and I opened my W's e-mail to see if she has sent any messages to OM. Now, I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I have snooped before. However, I've NEVER read any of my W's e-mail messages...only looked to whom they were addressed.
Well, last night one caught my eye that was sent by my W to her friend (F has known about the A all along), whom I like and also have a decent friendship with. This e-mail was sent about 9 days ago, which was approximately a week after I found out about the A.
Now, it was written in a stream of consciousness way, so I'm going to throw out a few key messages that were in the e-mail for you guys to give me your feedback on. She said the following: - I feel like I really want to S...get some time to myself. - I think it would be fun to date for a while, but then I'd still be searching for "the one." (you know guys, the soul mate). Also, I'm sure I'd date OM, but I don't think it would ever turn into anything. - Now that I'm not seeing OM anymore, I can concentrate on... (Jethro feels some relief, but she could always go back) - "This just ain't happenin'" (meaning, her feelings are not where they should be for me/us) - When I looked into Jethro's eyes yesterday, I could see the pain. - I'm going to watch Jethro. (This isn't verbatim what she said, but what was implied was that she was going to keep an eye on me. What does that mean???)
Now, was this written when she was in full-fledged alien mode, meaning it could have changed the next day, or is this what she's always thinking? Does this stuff matter? Has it changed anything in our sitch? I'm really interested in what you guys think about her watching ME???
BTW, just to set the record straight, I stopped myself from reading any more. I've always really felt that my W's personal messages/talks with others are her's alone. She also has journals/diaries that, although I've suspected the A for some time, I've never cracked to read. I've always honored this privacy, but, unfortunately, given the last few weeks I was compelled to read just this one. I'm a bit ashamed... I would have found out about the A much sooner had I read them...it's good that I didn't...
Last night was pretty uneventful. We very briefly touched on the phone call she made to OM about them not talking any more. She made plans to see her F when I got back from Yoga, and when I got back I could tell she needed to run (WAW mode). After going through this for so long now, I can recognize the signs for her needing to flee. I know a lot is on her mind because she forgot to give me an important phone message (about my sister in the hospital) and had to call me from F's to tell me. Also, she has mentioned twice in the last week that she wants to leave for a day by herself, stay overnight in some hotel/motel and "clear the cobwebs." I told her that was fine if she needed to do that. She really makes a point of telling me that it would only be herself. Ohh...why's that (heavy sarcasm)?
The pressure seems to be mounting again in her, guys. I think I've decided to really pull back on the R talks. You know, it's all been about the A lately, so I definitely won't bring that stuff up; however, in terms of our R, she has said she wants to work on it, but I'm not sure she's in a place to do it yet. Maybe I should disappear for a few days... Anyone want some company?
