Last night we touched on this subject, of course. I basically mentioned how I feel responsible for half of the deterioration of our M, and that I was sorry. I also said I will not take responsibility for her A, but I will for half of our M problems. I also told her what I thought led to these things. Her response was interesting. She kind of validated what I said, but really takes almost complete ownership of the entire situation...the M and her A. Well, I wouldn't let her own all of that, so I tried to let her know in my way that I was still responsible for my part. She kind of accepted my responsibility...wierd.
She was a more "positive" WAW last night. Like I previously mentioned, it wasn't my intention to have this talk...it just kind of happened. Ugh!
Ok buddy, your slipping. You have got to back of the OM thing for awhile. If I was your W I would have felt like your were treating me like a child. You have got to get the "as if" trust going. You may not trust her right now but you need to act as if.
She is checking and testing. Did you ever see Jurassic Park? When the one dinosuars were constantly checking the electic fence. That is kind of what she is doing. She is looking for an opening to validate her "he hasnt change". My H did the same thing. He went x-mas shopping w/1st OW. Then made sure I found out about it.
Quote: You have got to get the "as if" trust going. You may not trust her right now but you need to act as if.
Abby, I understand your point, and I "kind of" trust her. The point is, I don't trust the OM. Therefore, I wanted her to make it clear to HIM that it was done. I don't want him lurking in our lives with calls to our home and such. I have to draw this boundary, Abby. It was less about her than about him.
Quote: I "kind of" trust her. The point is, I don't trust the OM.
om matters not! tough as it sounds it really doesn't matter whether you trust om at this point or not, hell I don't trust ow, imho she's still hoping my h will go be with her so she will not have left her h for not, matters not what the op does or says what matters is what you do and say. for now give w the benifit of the doubt, the a is over, contact with om is over. believe in w, trust her remember "innocent until proven guilty" (well in our cases until proven guilty "again".
let go of the om and the a for now and work on the r. stop picking at that scab!! it wont heal if you keep picking at it, put some bacitracin on it (in the form of spending some q time with w, rebuild the r) then deal with the scar.
Yes, Abby. I think I made it clear to her that I didn't want him wondering what was going on and that I wanted her to tell him it was over. He had no "closure." I just wanted the door shut...I can only hope it stays that way.
Quoting LL:tough as it sounds it really doesn't matter whether you trust om at this point or not, hell I don't trust ow, imho she's still hoping my h will go be with her so she will not have left her h for not, matters not what the op does or says what matters is what you do and say.
Jethro - you did not blow it. It's part of the learning process. I understand that it is very tough to "let go" of the OP but you need to let it die a natural death.
I've read a few times on the boards about the "Stop Sign" technique that people use whenever visions of OP come dancing in their heads. Don't know if you have tried that but it may be worth a shot. The OP is not worthy of your time, effort and energy. Be there for your W - listen intently and validate her feelings.
BTW Jethro - what are doing for yourself today? I went to the gym for a good workout earlier and am expecting a couple of Big Band CDs in the mail through Amazon. Grew up listening to that kind of music and it helps me to relax.
Good day Jethro, I hope you don't mind that I waited til lunchtime to reply, but I figured today I was going to need a little additional time.
Quoting jethro: When exactly did you ask for her forgiveness, and when exactly did you forgive her?
I feel closer to being able to forgive, but I KNOW I'd have an extremely hard time saying it to her. And, I also understand that I played a part in our drifting apart. I guess I'm trying to find out about the chicken and the egg here...In your sitch, did forgiveness happen before healing or after...or simultaneously?
I can't say that I had a defining moment in which I could say, "Now I forgive you.", but with each passing day, I gained a little more acceptance to be able to forgive. I'm sorry if I seem vague here, but I'm having some difficulty finding the words to express some of this right now. I might have to find some time this week to start a new thread to sort some of this out myself.
Don't think the chicken/egg thing applies here as in one follows the other ... rather that forgiveness is one ingredient of healing process as a whole ... when it comes in is not so important as knowing you are working on it. It does come slowly and last night, You took a step closer.
Quoting jethro: When did you discover what your part of the deterioration was? You see, for me it's difficult to pinpoint. I can't put my finger on any one thing, ... I simply WAS NOT nurturing our R like I should have and my attention was elsewhere. This is what I can come up with for my 50%. If you asked her side of the story, she would agree that we drifted a little, but that isn't the core issue. She would say that she never really thought she loved me, that we've always been good friends and not much more, and that we M too young, etc. Her reasons for doing what she did was because she felt trapped at home with kids all day and didn't feel close to me like she thought a W should. Her wall went up, then she became a WAW and had her A.
So, my quandry here is that I don't think we'd agree on what went wrong in our M. She has a much more universal approach that we should never have M while I really see a steady deterioration over the last four years. She really and truly believes this and has for many years now. This is my primary concern: that she won't get over the fact that she will never love me like she should.
Jethro, her feeling must have been there and strong enough to have married you. People have a tendancy to review the past with the filter of how they feel in the present. So you didn't keep the soil fertile, so to speak, and her feeling withered on the vine. BY nurturing the R, then her feelings would blossom and she would be wearing rose colored glass when looking back through out the years. This is still possible in the future. Hopefully in a few short years from now, this dark time will be overlooked in the nostagia of the good times to remember. Its certainly something to look foward to...
Quote: Jethro - you did not blow it. It's part of the learning process. I understand that it is very tough to "let go" of the OP but you need to let it die a natural death.
Jethro,
Release that anger buddy. You gotta let it go. You say you go work out 3 times a week or so. Picture OM and let it push you that much further if it will help. If not, think of something else. Try that stop sign technique if it works for you. Do something until it works.
I am afraid you are going to drive W crazy with all of the R talks and push her away.
Try to let it go as long as you can before bringing stuff up to her. Usually for me I calm down enough, that I dont even need to bring it up anymore. I work it out in my own head w/out confronting W about it (not all of the time, i blow up a lot too).
Hang in there dude. Is there anything you can think of that makes you extremely happy? Try to think of those things.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
