Don't make the mistake of hanging your heart out on a string just yet. That needs to wait a while.
Patience. Constancy.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Ok - you are starting to obsess now, and that's NOT good
Forget the "impending doom" and the cell phone. FIND THE TIME - even if you have to go out somewhere and talk
For gawd sake - you have a daughter that is 18 - can she not take care of the house for a couple of hours while mum and dad go out?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
No "-ing" about it, NOP. I wanted it out there ONCE, at the outset, so she would know how I felt about her. How she chooses to deal with that is now up to her. MY key will have to be to do whatever it was I was going to do REGARDLESS of her response.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I thought I did, but looking at the whirlwind of the past 24 hours, I really DON'T have one. If you remember how all of this started, I specifically DIDN'T have a plan, and it was that lack of a plan, and the projection, and the hopelessness and the cynicism, that I wasn't doing ANYTHING:
Quote:
Again, my goal is to JUST GET STARTED, and so to put off my inertia and do-nothingness.
So my "plan" was merely to DO SOMETHING. To GET STARTED.
Step 1 achieved; but now what?
I do know that I wanted to let my W know how I felt about her, and that's Step 2 achieved.
And I wanted to state to my wife that I would no longer live in an affection-less marriage. Done.
Now I'm guessing that my plan is supposed to be . . . how did everyone state it recently? . . . "cherish" my wife? "Woo" her? "Validate" her?
How do I do these things, without being needy/grabby?
-- Choc., who suddenly realizes he really HAS no plan.
It's only been 24 hours or less since you've shown your W more emotion, more of your heart than you've shown in the past 5 years or so.
She needs time to process your unfamiliar new attentions since, for all intents and purposes, you've been emotionally nonexistent to her for so long... projecting "zero romantic interest." (believe me, Fs are highly tuned "intuition" machines; she felt it.)
So you never kiss each other on the lips?
Hmmm, well, okay, then work your way to that by continuing the forehead/cheek thing and lots more lingering touches when you are near her.
There is something else psychologically based you may want to try. It will sound counterintuitive but there is real research behind it.
It's been shown by asking your SO etc. to do you a favor, they actually feel more positive towards you after completing the favor. A la:
Sweetie? Can you do me a huuuge favor and bring me my briefcase?
The OP actually feels better about him/herself to provide a service to you and appreciates your gratitude. EC. Just don't overdo it.
Start doing the little things Choco. No gushing. No constant flattery over her flatt stomach. Be subtle. Passing touches, squeezes but not every single time. No more love letters.
If you are too leaning into her psychologically at this crucial time, she will pull away as she needs to slowly get used to the changes you feel towards her.
Eeeeasy big fella. This will be a marathon. And W is going to test the sht out of you in the next weeks/months, including fighting feelings of annoyance toward you and anger.
You can do it.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Quote: -------------------------------------------- Now I'm guessing that my plan is supposed to be . . . how did everyone state it recently? . . . "cherish" my wife? "Woo" her? "Validate" her? --------------------------------------------
You are going to start by slowly but inexorably inserting yourself into her life, and thereby, including her in yours.
You are going to do that by thinking before you act, and by being proactive when the need arises. You are going to learn, in short order, how to live what you started today. You are going to become that man that moved the relationship off center.
If you only managed a "one of" event, then good job, but to win, you become the man that your marriage needs - all the time.
Quote:"How do I do these things, without being needy/grabby?"
The same way you won her heart to begin with. That guy wasn't all needy and desperate. Think back.
Let patience and constancy become your mantra.
You become the hero.
As things come up on a daily (probably hourly) basis, just seek out help here. Do what seems sound to you, not necessarily what seems easy. You will eventually get used to standing on your own again.
The sleeper has awakened.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I feel lost tonite. It's 2am, I checked her cell phone, and she is deleting text messages now, but she talked to OM for 38 minutes today.
I know I'm not supposed to panic here. I know I'm supposed to "slowly insert myself into her life." But when I feel like I'm losing someone, how can I sit by while she does NOTHING new tonite (no kiss hello, no lingering touch by HER, no "hey, can we finish that conversation now," no ANYTHING different), but yet she turns to HIM for 38 minutes today?
She talked to me MAYBE two minutes on the phone today.
I'd love to think that she was telling him "I can't do this anymore," but I doubt it. I think I'm going crazy.
I know it's only one day, but I need to see SOME sort of response to my 2nd e-mail tomorrow. I took a big emotional risk -- the BIGGEST emotional risk one of us could have taken -- by breaking the "moral-equivalency" language of our first e-mail exchange and saying, basically, "OK, so we're both wondering 'Do I open up my heart, again, without knowing first how he/she feels?', so I'll go first -- I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH."
She needs to respond to that. I need her to respond to that.
I am a DOER, at least once I set my mind to something. I'm now in "fight for my marriage, and for my family" mode, and all I'm allowed to do is "go easy".... "little touches" .... etc.? I have to caution against "leaning into her psychologically," or she'll pull away?
I honestly don't know if I can do that.
The strangest thing is, I re-read her two e-mails to me from this morning, and not one word of them had changed (obviously), but yet now as I read them, the same passages that I interpreted as "loving" and good, now sound ominous to me:
Quote:
Unfortunately, I think we let this go too long this time, and it has caused damage that I don't know can be repaired. I haven't said anything because I don't want to upset the kids, and you know they are my world and that is the last thing I want to do. I also didn't want to upset you. But, I guess you could see it on my face. I'm sorry that I didn't come to you sooner to try to talk things out, but I guess I was scared to open a can of worms. Honestly I didn't think I was prepared for whatever consequences there might be for telling each other how we truly felt.
Now, as I read that, I read it as:
Choc., I really care for you, and you're a great guy, and I've been afraid to tell you how I really feel -- that "I love you but I'm not IN love with you," and I know that's going to kill you, and I know I've hurt you so much already, and I feel horrible about that, and I just can't do that to you now, and I've been afraid that if I DO, the marriage will be over, and I'll be responsible for tearing it apart, so I'll just keep quiet and not tell you what's hidden in my heart.
