Quoting jethro: KAW, I have a question. During this three-month stint, did your W ever verbally express her love for you? My point is that my W, even though shows affection, still won't say ILY. Now, it's not that I expect it, but even when she's affectionate she's guarded. It's like the wall is still there...just not a high sometimes. Darn it, it's hard to try and explain what I mean here....
I hope you understand what in God's name I'm asking about. It's kind of hard to put into words...
Yeah Jethro, I do understand. This coincided with her "love you, not "in" love you" stage, so she was careful not to say it even when she was affectionate. Those times when I pushed (yeah there were a few ... most of my "wise" words come from my mistakes.), to know how she felt when she was with me, her response was, "I feel safe & content, but I want more." However, there were other verbal baby steps. For instance, the week prior to Mother's Day, my wife announced to her folks of her intent to seperate by the end of the month. For M-day, I gave her a heartshape ruby ring like the very first ring I gave her but she lost some years back. While visiting her folks later in the day, she was showing off her ring and when asked who gave it to her, instead of saying something like "Ken did", she said, "My Husband did." with an emphasis on "husband".
Quote: I guess what I'm asking is did you to go through these vacillations for three months--yes I want to be with you, no I don't--then suddenly, one day, the light bulb went on in her head and now she loves you? What exactly transpired over those three months (in terms of her behavior) to "bring her back?"
Yes, to me that is exactly how it seem to happen. She seems reluctant to say much about it for some reason, and I have let is go for now until we feel more secure (maybe by summer, when it will be a year) , but what she has told me so far is that, during the project of rebuilding the steps to our deck, she began to feel differently (stirrings?), then a Saturday shortly after, she stopped fighting against these feelings and decided to "step back" and take a good look at me again. Nothing usual that I had noted, just taking each day at a time with my DBing routine as I had previously mentioned. (I'm not sure if I had mentioned it here or not, but I felt this was the 11th hour, expecting to be served papers at anytime.). That Tuesday, at my mention we walked through the mall. She took my hand and held it through out the entire time. That Thursday, when I came home from a lawyer consultation, my W told me, she was falling in love with me again and that she began to feel so when we were holding hands in the mall.
Now, I don't know what exactly transpired that triggered the change in her feelings, as she has yet to discuss this, but I surmise that she came to an acceptance of the answers she came to about her personal issues and decided to take the direction of wanting to really work at trying to make the marriage work. After that she then frequently assured me with ILY's, but even then there was still a period of time when she still had her doubts she kept hidden if she made the right decision. (Dang, I let it out ... now you know I'm a snooper too). Talk about insecurities galore!
Quote: This pattern is NOT healthy, as far as I'm concerned, and would prefer that she change her effort to "making the decision" to love me. Yeah, I know, I have no control.
Exactly! These are your W's issue to work through and now she has come to terms know that she has to face them and resolve them within rather than run or seek answers elsewhere ... so what is good for the goose is now needs to be good for the gander!
Let her work on her issues with her feelings while you focus on finding forgiveness from within. Afterall, what good is it for her to decide she's in love with you if you haven't reached the point to be able to forgive and accept her love.
Gone on long enough here. It is all on my thread if you want to read more.
