WOW, Jethro, You really had alot going on last weekend! ... and I'm glad to see that you feel you have landed on your feet. Your self-assessments are right in line and you are getting some good advise here as well. Now its time to put it into practice ... As Nike says, "Just do it!"
I can relate to vacillations. For what went on for at least three months, my W had an almost predicable weekly pattern of fluctuating between being kind and affectionate (seemingly being drawn back) versus distant and cold (and drifting further away). In order to detach, the key for me was to drop any kind of expectation of her what-so-ever. In order to avoid a mind trip, I literally took 100% stock in what Michelle stated in her book about "Believe in none of what they say, and only half in what they do.", so that I can remain standing on the balance beam while she teetered back and forth. I approached each day by acting "as-if" it would be a good day in which my wife would want to share with me. If I was met with indifference by her, I would continue my acting "as-if" in hopes that it might influence her mood. Sometimes this worked, however, when it became apparent that was disinterested in my company, I would back off to give her space and revert my attention elsewhere (usually in finding something to do with my DD.) to keep my mind from wondering about her mood, constantly repeating to myself that she has to take the time to deal with her issues in order to work past them if she was ever going to fully return to M.
Basically, I learned to let her call the shots ... when she was affectionate, I made sure she had 100% of my attention ... when she wanted to talk, I made sure I listened to 100% of what she had to say and kept my opinions to myself for another time (if ever...) ... when she didn't want to be bothered, I took it literally with physical distance ... when I focus on spending time with DD, I always made it known she was welcome to join in if she wanted to, but it was also OK if she didn't ... and when I decided I would enjoy doing something for myself, she was invited (despite her bad mood) but if she declined, I would politely excuse myself and do it anyway.
Somewhere in this, Jethro, I hope maybe you might find something in which would help you detach from your W's vacillations.
