Ok. My First Thread in Many Moons

[Lillieperl]

I think she would if we were attacking him.

[Greeneyedlass]

Just to be clear my question was just a question, not an attack on anyone, although you may not have been referring to me.

[LustForLife]

All I see is a woman that is defending the OM and leaving her H on the sidelines

Ok, but that is not what is happening.
If anyone has been in the "sidelines for 14 years it's me.

You are convincing yourself how much better it is to leave than stay, and this is just a recipe for disaster

Not true. I'm just venting. I'm still in my house with my H despite 14 years of this problem and my H choosing to leave me out of the blue in 2004. I am not one to either "stand by my man" despite the Worst or to say "I'm out" and bail. But I have I right to my confusion I think. Sheesh

[LustForLife]

I wanted to say to LFL that I understood. Sex with my bf has never been good... THAT was the red flag that I ignored in the beginning.

Thanks Lil.
And me too.

[LustForLife]

Would you defend your H this fervently?

Yes. I have before. But that is not the latest topic at hand. It was om, so that was who I was defending. I'm not ashamed of that. He is a good man. I don't trash people just because it may be "easier" to deal with.

[Greeneyedlass]

Fair enough LFL, I was honestly just curious if you would defend your H that fervently...because your defense of the OM made me wonder, that's all....there wasn't an assumption on my part either way. Wasn't trashing anyone (not that you were saying I was).

[Lillieperl]

That is a loaded question. I don't know that the two of us are similar enough for a one to one comparison, so what I would do, should not directly apply to you.

That being said; My greatest "emotional need" is sex - connected sex. It is basically my only need from my wife, I can get by without much else. That makes me a bit odd, but it does fit with my sex drive being what it is.

You probably didn't mean this exactly the way it sounded.

[Heywyre]

No one is asking you to trash him but the fact is, he is still the OM and you are defending him more than your own H at this time. One of the things I have learned through all of this, if nothing else, is that the ones that continue to defend the OP while putting pressure on their spouses to be more than they can be (at the moment) are asking to fail. This is not meant to be a criticism but more an eye opener - your H needs you to be there 110% and I don't think you are. Pretty hard to fix a R when you aren't in the game all the way

[Lillieperl]

Okay, people... let's get this straight: this man was not the Other Man. LFL was separated. Her H walked out on HER. This male friend encouraged her to go back and try to work things out with her H. He contacted her recently (I believe) because he didn't know whether they had stayed together or gotten a D. Let's not tar and feather the man; he has done NOTHING wrong. At the time she was seeing him, she did nothing wrong. They both did nothing wrong and so far have done nothing wrong.

Yeah, maybe LFL is playing with matches a little, but NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

And I meant by what I said above that if we were all attacking her husband, I'm sure LFL would come to his defense.

[LustForLife]

No one is asking you to trash him but the fact is, he is still the OM and you are defending him more than your own H at this time.

Well..the "at this time" part seems to be the operative words I'd say. Context and all.
I've been on this board since 2005 and have stated over and over that my H is a "good man" and "best friend" and "I love him." I challenge anyone to show me where I have even said a negative or slanderous word about him.
That is NOT the problem. And neither is my defending om. All of my M problems would be present with or without the latest chapter of this LFL story.

the ones that continue to defend the OP while putting pressure on their spouses to be more than they can be (at the moment) are asking to fail. This is not meant to be a criticism but more an eye opener - your H needs you to be there 110% and I don't think you are. Pretty hard to fix a R when you aren't in the game all the way

Maybe. Likely in fact. But you don't know the whole back story. I've tried to suppress my Self for years and ended up miserable with a H who found me boring, unattractive, and no longer worthy or being M to. So I just have an issue with "giving 110%". What does that even mean when the two people in the M can't be their true Selves. To be the person that makes me happy just seems impossible in this M. I have tried to not feel the way I feel. It just doesn't work. I was not a happy person back then. I don't want to go back to that again. And my H cannot truly be who he says he is if he is in this M either. One of us has to "give" or it just won't work. Who gets to decide that? I've done it his way for the past 14 years and it Still blew up in my face. I want to be the HD emotional sexy woman that I feel I am. I'm happy that way. I am worthy of being that person. I deserve to feel wanted and desired. It's not about Love. We love each other. But it is not always enough. Not for a lifetime. But again, this is my own perspective. I'm glad you have found a way to live that makes you happy. I haven't read your backstory so I'm not sure if that is the case or not. Hope it is for your sake. Thanks for the comments.
LFL