Okay, interesting two days. I'm going to demonstrate my W's vacillations by splitting my post into two parts: Last night and this morning.

LAST NIGHT
So, my W and I went on a double date last night with my sister and BIL. We had a good time...dinner and a movie. But, most of yesterday and the night I was haunted by the A still. I know, not healthy, but it was there. I think it's because the reality of it finally hit me on Thursday.

In any case, over the evening I began to feel better. So, after the movie, we decided to come back to our place and play some games. We are driving separately and as I'm pulling into our garage, OUR song comes on the radio ("Heaven" by Brian Adams). We sat in the garage for a moment, looking at each other, and had some very sweet kisses. Then my sister and BIL came up the driveway and ruined the moment. Oh...well...

So, we get inside and my sister had just finished putting a photo album together of the past couple years and wanted to show us. Well, guess who was in the photo album? Yes, you're right, the OM. I crashed...but didn't show it to my sister and BIL. You see, I never knew what he really looked like, but now I know. Because my sister and W frequent this karaoke bar, she had taken a couple of pictures from her nights out there...and that's how HE got in the album.

So, I wasn't happy and did my best to play games. Of course, my W knew and couldn't look me in the face. My sister and BIL leave and she tries to hug me and tell me that seeing a picture should "not set us back," and "what does it matter." I kind of went off then because isn't very attractive and my W is very attractive. So, I said, "you stepped outside of our M for him?!?! HIM?!?!" She said, "Oh, he's lost 35 pounds since that picture and looks a lot better now." I'm think, great that's just what I want to hear. She's getting it on with some overweight 47 year old and she's 32 (no offense to those of you who are older)!!! Ugh! (I know, guys, not healthy)

Also, the picture was one of the OM and his 4 year-old daughter (he's also D). So, now I'm thinking, "great, you're D and look what a great dad you are, and by the way, thanks for f--king up my M and my family!" Jerk. I said this to my W in a different way and she kept saying it was her fault too. So, at least she takes ownership.

Guys, this is the first time I really went off. I hadn't done it yet. Got upset a couple times, but last night I slightly raised my voice. Wasn't happy with myself.

We go upstairs and get into bed. To make what's already too long of a story, shorter, she told me the following phrases last night:
- "Just because you saw this picture, we should not be set back."
- "We WILL work it out."
- "I'm so sorry...I wish I could erase everything that happened."
- "I feel so incredibly selfish."
- (I told her I felt badly that I got angry.) "You have every right to get angry. You've been such a saint through all of this."

Mostly, she was very sweet and understanding, we hugged a lot, and I actually felt closer to her and that we worked through some crap. Now this morning.

THIS MORNING
So, we wake up and she asked if I felt better. I replied in the affirmative. Within a few minutes, she said, "I'm feeling very anxious. I need to go for a walk." So off she went...and I was left feeling kind of like, huh? My assumption was that it was guilt. Wrong.

So, she gets back and I asked if she was okay. She's seemingly very distant at this point. Now she makes the following remarks:
- "I'm feeling pressured."
- "I told you I'd work on things, but I sometimes wonder if everything will work out."
- "You have a lot of the qualities I see in both my parents and you feel like another parent to me. I have to understand why I M you." (see, it's still the ILY, but not ILWY thing)
- "I need to figure out why I did things in the past to understand today." (this bugs me because she's more focused on the past and not today)
- "I'm trying to 'speak' to your love language, but you don't seem to notice that I'm trying." (ohh...I notice)
- "I will read what you want me to read."
- "I wish I could have some time to myself to clear all of the cobwebs. But I can't uproot the kids. If it weren't for them..."
- "I was just trying to comfort you last night. But I still need to work out my own stuff."
- "I've always felt very responsible for your feelings."

There was a bit more, but I think I've quoted enough. Unfortunately, I was a bit defensive at first and wasn't too validating, but I backed off as the conversation continued. She's in WAW mode right now, so I know to cool it. We were going to work out together this morning, but I told her to go ahead, as I thought she needed the space. She took me up on it.

MY THOUGHTS
Am I pushing her too hard? Yes, I realize this now. I am projecting unrealistic expectations and I think, pushing her further away. LL, it's kind of like you and your sitch. You were so upset with your H the first month that you ended up pushing him away.

Did you guys warn me? Yes. Did I think my sitch was somewhat different? Yes (stupidly). Am I going to continue pushing/projecting? Hell no.

So, what I've realized (duh) is that she is vacillating wildly on our situation. Sometimes she is feeling pretty good and othertimes, she's not. I guess the solution for me is to really back off and give her some space. I won't push the book thing too much even though she says she's willing. I've suggested having R talks one evening a week where we can go over some of the exercises in the books. But mostly, I need to work on myself. Because, honest to God, when it comes down to it, I don't know if this is going to work out. I feel less hopeful that it will, but I have to give it a try while working on improving myself. There's simply no other way. I actually feel okay with it and am not feeling too sorry for myself. If she won't give me a real R, then I will find someone that will eventually. For now, however, I need to be patient and understanding, validating and not pushing, and keep DBing my a$$ off!

jethro