I'm 33, my W is 32, S 9, and D 4. We've been M 10 years, but were highschool sweethearts (had a 1-year breakup during college times). So, basically, we've known each other a long time, a lot of water under the bridge, etc.
1st bomb occurred 10/01 and second bomb on 10/02. The 1st bomb was the "I love you, but not in love" talk where she told me that she's been unhappy for a long time--unhappy with our M, unhappy with being a mother, regrets that she didn't do all those things she should have when she was younger. We got M too young, had kids too young, need a separation...we all know the drill. After the first bomb my W was very much in the alien phase, and I didn't recognize her (this has since gotten better). During this time she explored different things about herself, however. Bought some books, went out a lot, did some soul searching, but did not really implement anything she read. It was the difference between talking about doing this and that to make her happy and not actually doing what needed to be done. All talk and no action.
2nd bomb was 10/02. Pretty much the same conversation, but she concentrated more on the M being a failure than the children so much. She was more determined to S this time. The idea was to see if her feelings would change...the same sentiment as the first bomb. After an absolutely brutal weekend of me getting ticked off, getting sad, etc., and her finally talking to her parents, she decided to stick it out a little longer and not S.
It was after this second incident I found DR. Up until getting DR I acted like a whiner--pressuring, getting angry, etc., and didn't take responsibility for my half of the M. So now it's been about three months of DBing.
Now, I'll call this the third bomb, although it's a good bomb...I think... I found out in 12/02 that my W had an A. This A, if I can properly date it from the information I've gathered, lasted from 12/01 to 9/02. I have suspected for some time (and explains much of her behavior), but it still hit me like a piano out of a five-story apartment building. I found out only two weeks ago, so I'm still trying to deal with all the pain that goes along with this wonderful revelation. But after this bomb my W is suddenly acting more like her old self (kind of...still a WAS). It's messing with my brain and I'm trying to figure out what to do exactly. One day she thinks things will work out and next day, she has HUGE doubts. As such, her behavior changes from day to day, and it's hard for me to gauge it. She's fully cognizant of her vacillations, hence the name of this thread. I had a very interesting past couple of days, which I am going to post next.
