Trying to piece at last

[hurtingbad]

Well here I am again just updating really not journalling.

I think I'm done. I can't do this anymore i'm just not strong enough. I dont know what to do or who to turn to. I'm real down on support from anyone close so I think i have to just call it a day.

My H told me the other day that nothing in his feelings have changed and he still doesn't think its going to work. Bummer I know but I cant make him love me.

Then in a conversation we were having about the up and coming holiday that we had planned to try again until we got home from, H asks how much spending money I have saved. i told him and then I asked him how much he had saved to my suprise he states nothing. Not a penny, he tells me he has assumed that since he paid for the holiday (which was booked when we were together) I was supplying the spending money. I tell him that this would all have been fine if we were still a family and together and we still had joint finances but since we are apart I assumed he would be saving too as the money i have left at end of month is for me and the kids and theres not that much left so couldnt save as much as I would have been able to.

To which I am now thinking, H said we will try till after the hol, which he assumed I would be supplying spending money for, so I am thinking he has thought hang on I'll have my hol use her money for spends have a great time for free then come home and dump her cos nothing has changed and she agreed if nothing had changed we will call it a day amicably.

So now I am thinking H has just been using me for a free ride, he still comes over very night and sits and watches tv with me in my room but when asked if he wasnt enjoying coming over why did he do it every night to which his reply was I come to see the kids. (and the kids sit in my room to watch tv when??? never). He tells me feeling havent changed he still dont love me and he doesnt think he will ever want to come back.

So now is the time for me to end it I think. I cant take the pain no more I have tried my dammed hardest to make this work for him to kick me in the teeth every time. i am the one putting up with the heartache and also with the kids feelings that they have lost him too. He said he doesnt feel anything he doesnt miss us. And also doesnt see what he has done to me or the kids as something wrong. I'm right back at the lowest point again and feel like just giving up on everything, but I wont cos I am better than that and have my kids to think about.

I dont know what to do, where to turn to for help to get me through this and am just totally and utterly feeling rejected and at rock bottom.

Will update when I know what I am going to do.

Any ideas from anyone would be gratefully received

Hugs HB