I would have thought the years of therapy would have helped her do better, but I can't see any real change in her behavior.
I suspect that she will 'get it' or start to, when she is honestly on her own and doesn't have you to blame all her problems on.
She's a very unhappy woman and it won't be until such time as she really understands all she's given away that she hits a place where she has to acknowledge that she is the only person who can make her life better.
Right now (and for the past several years) she's been acting on unconsious reactions that go something like ...
"I'm unhappy ...." it's because B4S isn't a good husband "I'm in pain ..." it's because B4S isn't giving me all the things I need to make me pain-free "I'm unfulfilled ..." it's because B4S made me give up work and look after the kids.
When you guys really are separated and taking responsibility for your own things, she's going to have to take stock and understand finally that if she's unhappy, it's because of choices she's made, if she's in pain, she needs to find the root of that and work on it, if she's unfulfilled, she needs to do something that is fulfilling.
It's a cliche, but she will need to hit 'rock bottom' (which I think she will after you guys have lived separately for a while and she sees you getting on with your life, probably with a new partner and a good relationship with the kids) before she really gets that she, and only she, has control over her life.
When that happens, if she's smart enough - and it would appear she's a smart cookie - she'll figure out that she does have the capacity to make her life better, enjoy better interactions with the kids, love herself, if she changes her own behaviours.
You are a patient man my friend.
She doesn't know what she's losing yet - but she will.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
