zuzu wrte:"He doesn't always have this problem, but I have said before that he acts like words cost dollars and he is careful not to use any more than he has to."
Okay, so he is your basic 35 year old male
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
So, what do you guys think? Can you suggest something for me to read and use as a primary reference during this time? I have Divorce Remedy and I have just started the Passionate Marriage.
I offered to take the kids to a friend's house with me tonight and he is saying he wants me to leave the kids with him, he wants to see them. (Kind of unusual), but I'm doing what he wants. The last quick email about these plans that I sent him, I ended with ILY.
I think the most important thing you can do is follow NOP's advice. Stay calm. This is going to test your patience beyond belief... but there is a side to him that has GOT to continually test you in order for you to reassure him.
Don't try to understand it. You cannot apply logic to an illogical situation. Stay calm. Stay pleasant. Keep doing what you are doing, keep going to counseling... if you need to vent, do it here.
No one here can fathom his instance on hanging on to these memories... but... that is irrelevant, like NOP said. He is in an endless loop, and I'm SURE he wants out of it as much as YOU want him out of it.
Plus... like I also said before, it is a convenient deflection for his own behaviors.
You have to be SMART about this girlfriend. Don't REACT. Respond. Fix this. And when you do, which you will... tee hee. He's got his own stepping up to the plate to do.
Hey, girl, I truly am following along, I'm just not really sure what advice to give you.
I guess, really, the whole DB'ing process could apply. I didn't see anywhere where he actually said he wanted a D, just sometimes says he doesn't want to work on things or doesn't think it's going to work, etc., etc., right?
When H dropped D bomb on me, I just never gave up. I just continued to love him. Yeah, it sucks and you never know when they are going to finally "turn that corner," but just hang in there. Just be patient, continue to love him and support him and just go about your business acting "as if" nothing is wrong.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well, last night we decided I would take dd to a friend's house with me (her choice) and ds would stay home with Joey. I made a simple dinner and we ate really quickly before we left. (We were at the table and eating and he was on the couch with a beer and his arm over his face. I called him and he finally came.)
I was cheerful and upbeat. Kids were being cute, which helped us to laugh together. I sent dd on an errand in the other room and asked Joey for a hug. He stood (somewhat reluctantly) and gave me a hug. I gave him a firm hug and rubbed his back a little, then I said something like, "Joey, I am sorry that you're hurting. I want you to know I care about that." pause "When you are feeling like this and you are full of all the emotions and the anger, it sometimes gets to me too, then I'm full of anger. Can you tell me, are you trying to get over it?" He said, "As best as I *can*." I just hugged him again and said I was glad to hear that.
Our goodbye was then a bit more pleasant, and within a few minutes I was off. I was gone till nearly 11. He and baby boy were asleep of course.
This morning, he kissed me goodbye, but it was a different longer kiss, I pulled him in for a strong hug and we made eye contact and I smiled at him. So I guess that was good progress.
Not sure what to do next with us. Should I initiate the sex again? I don't really want to right now. Maybe in a few days?
Btw, thank you for the advice. I truly SO appreciate it. I may not respond specifically to every bit of advice, but I am at home with 2 kids and spend too much time on here as it is. But I REALLY appreciate your comments! Thank you so much, guys, and keep em coming!!
Maybe just wait & see how things are going when he gets home, etc. Go w/ your gut feelings as far as initiating and when.
I think you done good last night & this a.m.! You're showing him you respect his feelings and are supporting him.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Ok, here's the latest email I sent him. I realized right after I sent it that it is all about *my expectations.* Oldtimer, was it you that brought this to my attention? Maybe some other people did too. So, this is clearly a thing with me. Am I supposed to just let it roll off my back? (Don't want to hear that - don't want to do that) I will do it if it's necessary though. Try at least. Anyhow, here's the email:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I totally understand that you are at work and cannot talk long when I call. I really do.
However, you had been reciprocating every single bit of conversation about the kids, etc. It doesn't make me feel good when I initiate something nice between the two of us. (I bought stuff to make a nice dinner and some margaritas) and all you say is "ok." Then when I say something about it, you immediately go to "i have to go." It doesn't take long at all to say, "That sounds like fun, thanks! Hey, I better get off here now."
See how different that is? When I initiate something positive, I want an equivalent response from you. Am I asking too much? I love you. I like doing small, loving gestures that make you (and me) feel good. But I do want you to notice. Hope that sounds fair to you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have a feeling I'm gonna get a 2x4 for this? I feel like it is reasonable to expect reciprocal positive behavior, but maybe not. Help me here.
