M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
"My H does not see sex as an enjoyable or good thing."
Lou, this is very similar to my H's perspective as well. My H does enjoy having sex, the act of it...it feels good to him physically, but he was taught it was a dirty/disrespectful thing to do to a woman that he loves...so his mind doesn't let him go there..
The closest thing I can relate to is being in the delivery room and seeing all the trouble a birth can be (the hospital didn't allow it when our kids were born) and me thinking I was part of the cause of the birth pains. Yes, we knew there would be birth pains. We wanted a baby. It's just at those delivery moments I think of the pain BB was in. After the baby is home, the guilt feelings go away.
I did hear one woman in long labor screaming "You SOB" at her H. I am glad I wasn't M to her. That is one time when the thought of having sex not fun or pleasurable.
So seeing sex as not enjoyable or dirty. I can't get there. I did see sex as enjoyable but also worried about some potential negative outcomes sometimes. I wonder if any of the W/M H men have similar, brake applying feelings.
Before we had 2 kids, I thought I would be fine with 4. After 2 kids I was having thoughts like "I hope those BC pills are working 100% because I felt I had my limit of children. I felt BB had her limit. So sometimes sex was enjoyable but also caused anxieties to surface.
Those limit and slight fear of another PG did take some of the fun out of having sex.
For me the best sex was when BB wanted to get PG. It was, "lode up the bases and put the best batter at the plate." HOT! HOT! HOT! Sex!!!!!. Wish I could do it over, minus the pregnancy of course. Grand kids are just fine.
Now you are starting to see what I mean about him just not wanting it. It's worse than "oh no, she's going to get pregnant" thought because you don't even enjoy doing it in the first place.
And, yes, they do put the brakes on in a certain way
For instance, if H cuddles up to me and (rarely) starts to get aroused. He will IMMEDIATELY turn over, make an excuse his leg hurts, back hurts, anything. It's like a switch gets flipped and he just can't go there.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
That's absolutely right GEL - the act feels good to them but to do it to/with someone you love, they just don't want to go there.
Hey, that is really interesting. I've felt that way before. I would consider myself definately HD, and always have been; however there have been moments. For example, my first real girlfriend whom I was head over heels for. I loved that girl more than anything, but I just could'nt bring myself to go further than kissing. I had some opportunities but would'nt go there. She had a reputation for being "easy" but I guess I sort of had her on a throne or something. But I was a 15 year old virgin at the time.
I became sexually active at 16, and wanted it all the time except for one other girl. We were really good friends, she was funny, very cute, and loved me to death but I just could'nt get myself to go past 1st base. She really wanted me to have her but I think I respected her too much or something. I ended up breaking her heart for another beauty whom I did'nt care much about other than having her body.
I've had one night stands that have actually lasted all night but then these two women, whom I've known well and really loved and cared for deeply, I could'nt get myself going. Now that's really weird and I get what you guys are saying, maybe that was the M/W thing eye.
I feel like my W is kind of in a Husband/Son sort of mode. I'm sure there's volumes written on that topic too. My oldest son looks like me, and talks like me, etc. I think she's got us confused maybe.
But back to you women. Maybe it's important that you not mother your H's. Treat them more like the wild men that they want to be and don't mother them. Be more elusive, less nuturing, stop feeding them, don't make the bed or do laundry, let them handle the finances, etc. Just do anything except mothering.
I've been acting less like a boy and more like a man and it seems to be working. So maybe you should do the opposite; try acting more like young ladies and less like old women. Now don't take that personally you know I love you.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
We've gone over this before....it doesn't matter how we as their wives behave towards them. It's how they view us. COG, they don't WANT their wife to treat them like this "Treat them more like the wild men that they want to be and don't mother them. Be more elusive, less nuturing, stop feeding them, don't make the bed or do laundry, let them handle the finances, etc. Just do anything except mothering." FWIW, my H doesn't want to be a wild man. If I behaved that way (and believe me I could and have tried that before)...he wouldn't have chosen me to marry. Yeah, I'd have had sex, but he wouldn't have respected me and certainly wouldn't have married me.
He views a wife as ONE type of woman, and a woman you have sex with as a completely separate woman. In his mind the two women can never meet.
He views a wife as ONE type of woman, and a woman you have sex with as a completely separate woman.
I get that, I really do. I understand, I've been there and felt that.
Quote:
In his mind the two women can never meet.
Now that's where I challenge you. First of all, never say "never". You know those two girls that I mentioned in my last post. The one's I respected too much to ML to. Well, in both cases, after we broke up, they were with other guys and guess what? I wanted them. I kicked myself in the butt for not ML to them. And I definately could have after that. So I'm saying that your H's hearts' might change, but it may take YOU changing first! And don't ever give me any hogwash about something will "never" happen because then I'll have to hurt you.
Love,
COG
You may think you've tried everything but honestly you have'nt!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Now don't take that personally you know I love you.
I know you do and appreciate it too
However, it really doesn't have anything to do with us "mothering" them although M/W men do have a tendancy to be drawn towards women that are very nurturing (due to the lack of it they got when they were infants) however, withdrawing from them in that aspect, at least I have found, just makes them upset all the more. Then it becomes "what's wrong, what did I do that you don't take care of me anymore" etc. They like it but they don't - kinda hard to explain.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
For instance, if H cuddles up to me and (rarely) starts to get aroused. He will IMMEDIATELY turn over, make an excuse his leg hurts, back hurts, anything.
OH DEAR tell me that isn't true. I may have had some anxieties about some things, but that I don't understand the body pains.
The closest thing I can imagine is some timid, super reserved, germ-a-phobic guy in bed with a no holds bared woman and the guy sees the signs "she wants.........again?"
Maybe the first grade kids were right when they said "you let a girl/boy touch you? How gross."
Interesting concept, W/M. I see it is more than hang-ups when taken past some point/degree.
The most common thing I can relate to is: If I ask for something BB doesn’t like to do, (she had a small list at first of no-no’s, now the list is long) will she hold it against me or complain about it at some future date.
My situation is a lot different than yours. I was mostly trying to add some ideas to help your situation based on what I thought or experienced, during my earlier years. I do believe some guys mature, are more accepting of your wishes in this case, at a date later in life. That is if age/health related problems don't get to them first.
