Well, the D is going strong. We are supposed to have mediation in a couple of weeks. Feeling a little down the past couple of days. I know that I will still have these days off and on. I just keep coming to the point of misunderstanding. I don't know how someone can throw away his family without even trying and for someone that he has known for barely a year. It drives me crazy to think about it. I try not to, but sometimes it cannot be helped. I just keep telling myself that time will work wonders. I am tired of these days (even though I don't get them often, the fact is that I still do). It seems to occur when I have to see him (when we exchange kids). I saw him on Sunday and he was asking how my training was going (for the marathon). I don't even want him to strike a conversation. It seems to be easier when I have no contact with him what so ever. I know this won't happen because of the kids. I just have to get through this.
Just when I am trying to move on, my H starts being nice to me. I figure it is because we are having mediation in a week. I don't know which is harder on me, him being nice or him ignoring me completely. This is so hard. I know i have feelings for him still and I am trying not too. Plus, I know that he stays over at the OW house often (when he doesn't have the kids). This sickens me. I have also heard that she has stayed over at our house, which sickens me more. AAAAGGHHH.
I can relate so much to what you're going through. It sounds like you are incredibly strong and handling this with grace. I've only seen the back of the Ow's head and that was enough for me! But H started bringing her along on visits with S4 months ago, so I've had to get used to hearing her name. It's sickening and very painful.
I've been doing this for 18 mos and only last week went to the court to start the paperwork for legal separation. H continues to live in la la land and I have learned a lot about detaching (w/ love on a good day). I do a lot of praying, crying, talking and writing. H hasn't filed anything and seems to be in a state of complete denial as he carries on a completely alter-ego lifestyle w/ Ow.
My best advice is keep DBing, GAL (Very difficult, but so necessary), take care of YOU!
I have learned so much these past 18 mos. I still love my H and miss him dearly, but he is not the same person I fell in love with. He has some major growing up to do. He's having a delayed adolescence and complete identity crisis. Nothing I did or didn't do in our marriage would have stopped this from happening. He was a ticking time-bomb and no one, not even he, knew it.
I believe in miracles and I pray for them. I made a little "butterfly box" ( I love butterflies) where I put my wedding ring and write little prayers. I'm not a religious person but I have a tremendous faith in the God of my understanding which has walked me through this with grace.
No matter what happens I can always hold my head up high knowing that I stood for my marriage. That makes me feel good inside.
I hope you continue to walk through this with grace - for you and for the sake of your kids.
M.
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
I have learned so much these past 18 mos. I still love my H and miss him dearly, but he is not the same person I fell in love with. He has some major growing up to do. He's having a delayed adolescence and complete identity crisis. Nothing I did or didn't do in our marriage would have stopped this from happening. He was a ticking time-bomb and no one, not even he, knew it.
Monica.
This is exactly my W. We had a fight today, on Mother's Day. I gave her flowers, she rejected them.
Now, I wonder if she will ever grow up and out of her adolescent behavior? I too had NO IDEA anything was wrong. She still denies any wrong doing about an A.......it's unbelievable.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Your sitch is all too common, unfortunately. I think some spouses just have a hard time dealing with the realities of married life. Life in general is not easy, and I am sorry to learn about your sitch. Many of us are her for the primary reason of seeking help to save our M's. In the end, it is really about saving ourselves in case our M's work or they do not. Our WAS's are like loose canons, they are lost, uncommitted, and all we can really do is show them the way. That's the hard part, but they also have to meet us half way in order to rebuild any kind of happy R. Most times it's best to move on, as I am finding out in my own sitch.
Just remember you are here for YOU. Even if it ends in D, we all have a good future if we chose it to be.
Take care Gracey.......
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Thank you everyone for your replies. I am having a hard today and sometimes I ask "why?" The whole A still bothers me, as it should. It has been 3 months since I found out. I try to not let it get to me, but it still does. I keep telling myself focus on me and I do, but every now and then it comes back and today is one of those days. It is not necessarily because I want my H back, it is the fact of what has been done. Even if he wanted to come back, I don't think I could ever do it, knowing that his EA has turned into a PA. Plus, I cannot get over that she has slept in what used to be our bed.
My H was nice and got me a gift from the kids for Mother's day and text me a nice message about being a great mom. He also wished me a Happy Mother's Day on the day. I thought this was all generous, but then I always wonder if he is being nice for other motives, like the fact that we have mediation in a couple of days. He has been mostly cruel to me in the past months. His generosity is rare. I know that the only thing I have is time on my hands. It will be 6 months since we been seperated and when I think back to the first few months, I really like who I am now and just keep thinking that I can only progress. But like I said earlier, I am having one of those days.
(((((Gracey)))), I've been reading over your thread again as a refresher. It's amazing how all of our situations are so similar with just a few facts changed here and there. You stated that he is not the man you married. I believe you would get a lot of agreement on that statedment, at least from me. It must be "one of those days" for alot of us. I know right now it wouldn't take much for me to burst into tears. Just remember we all are here for you, just come here to vent when you need to. I don't know what I would do without this board. Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
gracey i just wanted to let you know that i admire you. my h is moving in with the ow tomorrow and it hurts so bad. he says that they are in love. (She is 19 my h is 38 and she is also married and is D her h) i admire the way your thinking is now and i hope soon i can be where you are. its like i get there and then the next day i am crying again. but hang in there your children need you and i don't think i could have made it through wo my boys some days.
me-30 h-38 m-11 yrs s-6 s-7 ss-13 h left-april 21,2007 found out of ea april 1, 2007
I know that this may not be exactly appropriate, but I am glad to know I am not alone. I guess I mean that it feels good to know that other people know the emotions that a person goes through with this. I know that it has made me a stronger person, even though I have the days when I feel like I am not so strong. My babies definitely help me in this department, because I am now a single mom of twins and I have been doing it for 6 months on my own (really since they have been born). I don't have anyone to help me whereas when they are with him, he has my 12 year old SD as an extra helping hand. It comes natural for me, because I am their mother and they are so precious. My heart and prayers go out to the both of you. It is amazing to me of how much this occurs and how I was so oblivious until it happened to me. My words of wisdom, are to keep focusing on you, no matter how hard it is. I had to sit down and write a list of things that I have been wanting to do, but have put off to be a wife and a mother. One is going back to school and the other is running a marathon. These two goals are my long term goals and I try to have every day goals as well. Like making sure I read everyday (I love to read). Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and I think that together (and this is for everyone else out there) we will make it! Remember, we have time on hands, and I believe that time will only allow it to get better for all of us.
Hi gracey, I also have twins,two 19mth old girls, and a 2.5 yr old boy and two teenagers; s13 and s15. I also have a cheating husband. Only mine has been chronicly unfaithful for 13 yrs. I've had to deal with the OW, having him choose the OW, then me, then cheat again. I can emphathize with the feelings and the situation... My heart goes out to you. It is tough but it makes you stronger..I'm having to go thru it yet again... and its not fun. But I'm a lot stronger than I was a few years ago.
