I also like the stopping by the gym thing. Personally I don’t see the OM as much of a threat, though he could be if you let him. He works at the gym, with a bunch of other guys who will know what is going on. I doubt that they will encourage him to pursue a mother and break up a family. But without any action from you, they will brand you a “loser” and support the OM on rescuing your W.
There might be a way for you to take control of this situation without falling into an argument over whether there is really an affair going on or not (which she has already denied). Maybe one way would be for you to hang out at the gym, get to know the other guys personally, introduce your kids, then invite them all over to dinner, including the OM. I think that would be extremely intimidating to him. You can also let it be known that you know, but you just act like you don’t, KWIM. That way your W does not have to lose face by admitting to an EA, at such a delicate in your M. I think you need to be careful in balancing just how hard you push things right now.
Think of it this way, if you were the OM and were invited to dinner, with the ball in your court, how would you react? I would not want to be in that position. Should the OM up the ante with your W, make more assertive passes at her, tell his friend how he is fighting to win her over and break up the family? I think the peer pressure from the other employees at the gym can be used to your advantage, but behind the scene.
After all, your W does work there. You don’t want to get her fired. That won’t help her feel good about you. You don’t necessarily want the OM to get fired either because then he could really justify taking your W from you. You have the upper hand here, play it shrewdly.
Your W is on the fence just as you are. If she came around and pursued you, you would jump right off that fence and side with her. I think she will do the same, but she first needs her emotions to come around. That will take a little longer.
Schnarch mentioned your type of sitch as a potentially dangerous one, in which both people wait for the other to go first, and over time, the lack of assertiveness and the growing apathy destroys the marriage. IMO, everything you do from here on out needs to be leading.
