Ok. My First Thread in Many Moons

[Greeneyedlass]

LFL,

To me there is a difference in the way I used the terms Drama & excitement. You said that you and your H do some exciting things...like going to museums, concerts, dinners etc right? Well that type of "excitement" can be fun...but it can also get fairly predictable because you are doing it with the same person, fun nonetheless...exciting, not so much after awhile. DRAMA, IMPO...is what this OM brings to your life...he's a contrast to your H, something different, with a different level of "excitement", but he's a problem to your M...therefore DRAMA.

As you've stated before you like a certain level of "excitement"...when life gets predictable/mundane/dull....you get restless. Never said you were a drama queen ;-), to me that's someone prone to hysterionics...I don't think that's you...but this OM stirs things up far beyond where your M would on it's own. It adds complication, it adds spice for you, it adds forbidden attention....DRAMA.

That difference to me is why I said, admit it....you like Drama. Still may not make sense to you, but I do see a difference.

[RedHeadWife]

I agree, it does get mundane, however, think about the alternative -- like when you & H were separated. Think about the reasons you decided to get back together and work on your M instead of staying w/ OM.

I get the "desire" thing.

[LustForLife]

this OM stirs things up far beyond where your M would on it's own. It adds complication, it adds spice for you, it adds forbidden attention....DRAMA.

I know it GEL. But is it just that it is forbidden? No way. When I was legally separated, I dated this very man and it felt dammm good. He hade me feel sexy, attractive, desirable, smart,...wanted. Was it drama then? I don't even know what my point is. I guess I'm just saying it is easy for people on here to tell me how "fake" or "wrong" or "dramatic" it is but that was my REAL life -darnit! - for many months. It wasn't a complete fantasy world. And now the REALITY is I am struggling, my M is constantly in a state of flux, my H is emotionally withdrawn, a man who gave me a huge part of myself that was missing could be killed any day now. THAT is reality. Drama implies acting/pretending. I'm not acting. I'm feeling all of this every moment of every day. And it hurts. And it causes confusion. And it never seems to end.

[LustForLife]

Think about the reasons you decided to get back together and work on your M instead of staying w/ OM.

I have to every day to keep my sanity. And the reasons are mainly my children. If it wasn't for them, I would be totally selfish...maybe...who knows for sure.
I felt like H was totally selfish when he left. That still stings big time. How could he do it to the kids? Changed my view of him that is hard to recover from I guess.
At least my nuttiness is out of the kids line of fire so to speak. I don't want to hurt them. So I trudge on.

[Greeneyedlass]

LFL,

I guess the way I see this OM is that...sure it was exciting as any new R is when you were on your own and seeing him for a time. You were still in that "honeymoon" phase with him...everything was still very new and really exciting. I know it was your reality at that time, but think about it....what phase in that R were you in? The infatuation/honeymoon phase. Perhaps forbidden was the wrong phrasing for me to use....but IMPO it's still comparing apples/oranges with your marriage.

Eventually, if you had pursued a long-term R with this OM that R would have settled in as well....all R's eventually do. Now if you two were at that point in your R and also trying to compare it to your M then I'd say you were comparing apples/apples. Right now though, there's no way in hell your H can compete...he's too familiar.

Don't know that anything I'm saying here is helping.

[LustForLife]

It's helping GEL.
But of course I have to debate some of it.

Eventually, if you had pursued a long-term R with this OM that R would have settled in as well....all R's eventually do.

Yes, settled in with hot sex every day while he annoyed me with his lack of communication.

Whereas now I have very little sex but plenty of I love you's, affection, you get the idea.
But still as you stated, apples and oranges.
I'm not being unrealistic here. I know the OM lacked many qualitites that I also find very important (beyond the hot sex) in a R. He just embodies the one very quality that I want being the HD woman that I am. So that just sucks.
Life ain't fair.
LFL

[Greeneyedlass]

Ahhhh but LFL...there is NO WAY you can know for sure that the hot sex everyday would have continued....that is part of the honeymoon phase. It might have, it might not have too. From your perspective I imagine you believe it would have, but you don't know for certaintly from the OM's side of things. When R's relax and become comfortable things often relax and change sexually too.

[Crazy Eddie]

When I read that, I first cringed and said to myself "but I'll make things worse, maybe he won't forgive me, etc"
But that is not the truth. The truth is I fear he will shrug it off, not make a big deal out of it, ignore the issues once again. It would hurt mew more than him telling me F off.

He's ignoring the issues already, right?

Reading back over your thread, it looks like you two were really in the zone sexually for a while, and then dropped back out. That's got to be frustrating. I hope that doesn't happen to me.

Anyway, one thing that may be helpful to keep in mind. Wanting sex and being comfortable with sex are two very different things. If we're not in the right "playful" mindset, getting naked, literally and figuratively, with someone we know can be a very uncomfortable thing to do. Even though we want to, we feel awkward and silly and just... not into it. But that doesn't mean we don't want our partner, or that we don't desperately wish we didn't have trouble getting into it and expressing that desire naturally and enthusiastically.

He might be painfully aware of his trouble getting into it and wondering if maybe you should find a fcukbuddy on the side to give you what he can't seem to. At the very least, in his place, I would find it very hard to fault you for being tempted.

So I push, and I test, and I still get no response from him.
That is not what I want in a M partner.
It kills my soul.

Can you describe your pushing and testing?

I already broke the trust with the Chrome incident and I certainly wasn't faithful during our S (even though I told him straight out I was going to date). I don't care if we were S or not. He didn't CARE. Said he "understood" in fact. That would not have been my reaction at all.
He just hurts me with his emotional withdrawal. Still.

I would guess he "understood" because he left you. And it makes perfect sense... how could someone who left you high and dry complain when you turned to someone else? I wouldn't think I had much of a leg to stand on in that situation. Or even after I'd been back for a while. Doesn't mean he doesn't CARE... just means that he doesn't think he has the right to object.

[LustForLife]

Ah GEL, always trying to burst my bubble. J/K
Listen, the thing is, I've slept with my fair share of men (probably around 10 in my life). Enough to compare and contrast at least. I can honestly say I have Never had sex like I had with this om and I've had great sex before, especially my on/off college boyfriend. But this om was the only one who ever "got" my desire for the...how shall I phrase it...assertive sex..to put it mildly. I think that is something people are either comfortable doing or not. You can't really fake that. And frankly, I didn't realize that that was a major turn-on for me until he started doing it. Now, I feel like I'm back to my "bread and water" meals and the 8-course dinners are always going to be a fleeting memory. RATS!
LFL

[LustForLife]

Thanks for your feedback Crazy Eddie.

Reading back over your thread, it looks like you two were really in the zone sexually for a while, and then dropped back out.

Well, it's all relative really . For US, yes, we have had some pretty good sex. But it has slipped back again.

Wanting sex and being comfortable with sex are two very different things. If we're not in the right "playful" mindset, getting naked, literally and figuratively, with someone we know can be a very uncomfortable thing to do. Even though we want to, we feel awkward and silly and just... not into it. But that doesn't mean we don't want our partner, or that we don't desperately wish we didn't have trouble getting into it and expressing that desire naturally and enthusiastically.

Very true. My H and I are awkward together when it comes to sex. We have never been a good match in that department. But I know he wishes it were different, so that's something at least. I know he cares, but he gets tired of trying to change it, as do I.

He might be painfully aware of his trouble getting into it and wondering if maybe you should find a fcukbuddy on the side to give you what he can't seem to. At the very least, in his place, I would find it very hard to fault you for being tempted.

Well, subconsciously maybe he does feel that way. Maybe that is why he encourages me to go out with my girlfriends to bars and clubs. But, when he has to verbalize it, he says he is not willing to put up with that nonsense. Mixed messages?

Can you describe your pushing and testing?

What I mean is that I wait and see if he is going to call me on any of my behaviors. Such as wearing a sexy outfit for girls night out. Any comment? Nope. Or how about sending emails to men I shouldn't be sending them to? Does he care to check? Nope. And this is even after I was caught. I said, don't you want my password for the email? Nope. We shouldn't have to act like that he says. Ok.
Your get the idea.

it makes perfect sense... how could someone who left you high and dry complain when you turned to someone else?

Well, that is true. But I'm just trying to put myself in his place. If I chose to leave right now, yes, I may not be able to say if he could date or not but it would hurt like hell and I would show it. He doesn't show it. Nop says that doesn't mean he isn't hurt. But I still don't "get" that. To me it equates with just not caring.
LFL