Hey GEL - is there anything in particular I should be watching for regarding the C this afternoon, as to whether I know he is approaching it the right way or whatever?
Don't know if you can get back to me within the next 10 minutes - lol - but would appreciate it if you could
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Heywyre, explore your H not wanting to be a pest or that your H thought some things he liked sexually were above and beyond what you or he was comfortable doing.
W/H sounds so black/white. I can guess from my own hang ups and all of the things I heard when I was growing up (girls don't like...... ) he might have several thoughts in his mind about some things couples do or don’t do that hold him back.
Shortly after we moved in our house, we bought a chest type freezer. Well I was hot for some sex that day so sat BB on a towel on the freezer lid and proceeded to make out standing up. I was extremely sexually excited and thought a nooner was a very good idea. We did it. I always wondered if BB thought I was a pest. I wondered if I should have had sex with her on the new freezer or stopped at kissing.
With all of the "girls don't like........" messages I heard for so many years it just took some of the fun out of the encounter back then. Today it would be great fun and I wouldn't worry about what some "girls don't like" messages from the past.
Rather than explore W/M, talk about his hang ups, if your H will.
No not that I can think of...just remember if there is something you feel is important that needs to be addressed, bring it up. Don't wait for your C to.
You might ask if he has experience with this particular issue too...or if he feels that he might need to refer you.
GEL - no he doesn't have any experience in this field. We are going with the "let's see what happens for the next couple of sessions" and take it from there. If we haven't got very far, C has already said he knows of a good ST he can recommend to us (and I have heard of him too, so I know he's good)
Lou - as for asking my H what he likes and dislikes, it's a waste of time, at this point, because he sees ALL sex as dirty and wrong, even the stuff "girls don't like ..." stuff. His whole outlook on sex is distorted.
We had a pretty good talk at the C this afternoon, we centered on affection and our homework is to show each other more of it until our next session on Friday. C said sometimes it might feel "mechanical" but we need to get past that point to get to the good stuff.
H seems quite open to making the effort, which is wonderful in itself. We have agreed to make an effort and if he gets to a point where he feels uncomfortable, we will stop and talk through his emotions about it right there and then. I think this is the only way of jumping the hurdles we are facing.
H also, on our way home, said "oh by the way, you got your Visa bill today but I didn't get mine because I changed cards and I'm using the XXXX one now and that cut off isn't until the 19th - just wanted you to know that." I thanked him very much for letting me know, he smiled and gave me a big hug.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Ok...just my humble opinion here, but you may as well just sit through the next couple of sessions and work on your communication skills...cause it's going to take someone who knows what they are dealing with to get your H to make some real progress.
You already know where the "wait and see" approach will go, you've been living it. So just don't let him drag things out past one or two more sessions before you ask for that referral...k?
Sounds like you two are in a better place right now...and you are really at the beginning of obtaining that trusting relationship (which helps tremendously).
C said 5-6 sessions but I told H there is no way I am waiting 5-6 sessions to see if something is happening. I will give him 1-2 more and that's it. Then I will ask for a referral to someone that has dealt with this before (like the ST he said he would refer us to). It's all great and fine to sit around having a good little chat but if they don't know how to actually address the issue, we might as well keep our $$ in our pocket
I know this isn't something that can be fixed overnight but I am not about to waste - and that's what it would be, wasting - money on counselling when its not going anywhere
H is feeling so much better these past few days and it rubs off on me, which makes him feel better all the more.
I am looking forward to our session on Friday, and what progress we can accomplish over the next few days inbetween. I figure if H doesn't follow through on what he is telling us to do in between the sessions, he needs someone a little more forceful.
This ST that C said he would refer us to says most of the issues he deals with are dealt with within 5-6 sessions. That doesn't mean the work stops, but at least things are back on track - including W/M complex. So, no, I am not about to sit around waiting for something to happen, when I can be moving forward sooner
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I agree with you spending money on 5-6 more sessions with this current C is a waste of your time and money. If he doesn't specialize in W/M, and has no experience with it then really IMPO, he should have immediately referred the two of you...there is no need for further consultations with him until you get this addressed. Really, there's no reason he shouldn't have immediately referred your H, because you COULD see the ST and your MC for different issues at the same time (if you are able to swing that financially).
Lou - as for asking my H what he likes and dislikes, it's a waste of time, at this point, because he sees ALL sex as dirty and wrong, even the stuff "girls don't like ..." stuff. His whole outlook on sex is distorted. All sex as perverted??? That is sad.
Was that what he heard growing up or was that his idea/doing?
Lou - one of the easiest ways to explain the M/W complex is this way ...
When growing up, boys initially think nothing but the physical act of sex. As they get older the thought of love and sex blend together
In my H's case (and that of other men like GEL's) the two never blended together and remain separate.
They can only think of women for either sexual purposes OR for love (as in mothers, wives - the nurturing part). The thought of putting the two (love and sex) together is beyond their comprehension. I know it sounds weird but that's the way it is
These men are usually brought up by very cold and distant mothers that did not show them love or affection (in my H's case he was adopted and NEVER had a good relationship with his adoptive mother)
My H just can't fathom the two going together. Therefore, his A (x2) consisted of him contacting escort services because that is what they are for - sex. To have sex with me, disgusts him. It is ok to cuddle and give me a very superficial peck here and there, but sex? No way - that would be considered disrespectful and almost bordering on the thought of incest (thus the disgusting feeling)
Men that suffer from M/W complex look for women to fulfill the nurturing feelings they missed out of with their own biological mothers. When they find that "pure" woman, the thought of having sex is the same as having sex with their mother - not a very pleasant thought is it? And subconsciously, that is how they think so to stop that is quite the task.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
