Buy a nice big dildo that vibrates, and make him watch you use it on yourself. Buy a pair of black fish net thigh highs and wear only those.
Most adult stores also have 'sex' type coupons. Buy HIM a coupon book... he gets to redeem all kinds of things from it. If there are any in there that you DON'T want to do, rip out the ones you want to give him, stick them in a card, and leave for him to find each morning.
I'd also look into buying a Karma Sutra book for yourself (gives lots of lovely suggestions on how to do new things), or any other instructional type books... they are kind of like cook books, though... if you get a few good ideas from a book, you've found a good one.
Oh... go to the bookstore and buy a copy of Penthouse Letters. Practice reading the stories outloud to yourself. Then you can read them to him at night. Or over the phone to him during his lunch hour.
I am too tired to even go into it all (posted some of the details on my Newcomers thread last night.)
He had some work to do, but came home just before midnight. (We had paid the babysitter at about 7:30.)
Basically, the past (1992) got dredged up and it resurfaced all of his hatred. When that happens, he starts acting very hateful and I about can't take it. I thought counseling was a good place to share my "I've been trying to meet your needs for more sexual interaction and your need for less fighting. I would like for you to not just take what I'm giving, but give some in return, step out of YOUR comfort zone and start giving me some romance, emotional intimacy, the stuff that's always been difficult for you." He only twisted it in the most horrible way. (After the session on the drive home, he got REALLY hateful, saying:) How come I didn't expect that from the two guys I dated in 1992? I just gave them the "cherries" and didn't expect any "criteria" from them? Why is it so HARD for me to give him sex, something I have to "work at then resent" when I gave it so effortlessly to those guys? On and on...
He talked about going out and having sex with someone to make me feel the way he does. I quietly just said, "Do what you have to do! GO have sex with someone. See how much easier that makes things." I know that I wasn't responding in the right way, I just told him I'm tired of him taking what I have to offer and then beating me down when I ask for something in return. He says if this is what he has to go through to fix things, he's going to quit, because it's not worth it.
The counselor suggested individual sessions for next week so that we can both get our feelings out and feel heard, without fear of being interrupted. She asked if there was something I could think of to request from him to make the Pam situation better for me. I said, no I feel enough time has gone by and we have addressed it some that I truly am happy with tackling his issues from 1992 and if he were able to make some progress there, that would help me more than ANYTHING.
Please . . . advice? I feel like we are almost back to square one again. Will this ever end.
Ok, let's backtrack just a minute. This "Pam" was his EA and this was recent right? Via email type thing?
I guess I'm just not understanding why he keeps bringing up the past -- that was all before you guys got married, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------- Do what you have to do! GO have sex with someone. See how much easier that makes things." I know that I wasn't responding in the right way -------------------------------------------------------------
Don't provide him that kind of fuel. He may take you up on your offer and then blame it on you.
I have given the 1992 thing a lot of thought. I understand that he is stuck. He is in a thought/pain/repeat loop that he can't get past. It may not sound legitimate to you, but it is very real to him. The loop is rooted in a "truth that he can not change".
Here is what you have to do. You have to talk to him about this in detail, and find out what part of that truth, he doesn't think that YOU get. Then you need to do whatever it takes to understand it. Once he believes that you get it, he will phase out of the loop, go through a period of anger, then eventually the whole event will lose its sting, and your relationship will improve or at least be in a position to improve.
Did you follow that?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
EXACTLY! Noone else can figure it out either. It's just the way it is. *If* you're interested, all the gory details, (including the flirtatious emails between him and Pam,) are posted on my Newcomers thread.
This is the 2nd counselor we have seen. My friends are always like, "surely a therapist will be able to talk some sense into him that this is just not legitimate anymore. It is unfair to you and he's got major issues." He seems to be genuinely hurting, but somehow in his head he uses it to justify his behavior.
The counselor always says, "This is obviously VERY painful for you Joey, and even though it was a long time ago, is still a VERY fresh wound. I am not going to suggest you just "get over it" and I don't think either one of you are, either." We both agree. He can't just GET OVER IT or he would have. What I have noticed is that when things are good, it is NOT an issue. When things remind him, (like our friend Missy being in a relationship with Joe, the friend of the guy I dated back then), he starts it up again, and with a FURY if he feels the relationship is not all he wants. So he has been going on and on in the sessions about how this last year has been so awful and he tried to tell me and finally broke and made a mistake imagining a relationship free of the baggage with someone else. This is his fantasy, a relationship with someone who never hurt him. He has made it CLEAR that if he could go back in time, he would tell his old stuff to drop me like a hot potato and not look back. Sigh . . .
H has a big personal problem. This 1992 crap is crap. His real anger is probably more directed at himself than you, but as long as you allow him to spew it at you, he will, because it is much easier than working on his real issues.
You need to set a boundary here:
"H, you are either going to make significant progress on this 1992 crap or I am outta this M."
When he brings it up when you are talking about something else: "H, we can talk about that later, for now let us stay focused on the current topic."
Yes, NOPkins, he does say that I don't get it. He said that clearly in the session yesterday. I admit, it has been SO LONG that I tire of hearing about it and when I start getting hateful BACK at him, he says it makes it all the worse, but I guess I do that because I am tired of being trampled on and drug through the mud. I usually regain my resolve shortly afterwards, but I realize I gave him fuel last night. After I said, "go have sex with someone if that's what you think you need." He chuckled, sarcastically, and said, "You said it." I did think he MIGHT. He came home smelling like Axe body spray, (he had been worried before our appt if he smelled from work that day). He didn't tell me if he ate/went to a bar or what, but I assume he did. I simply asked, "Did you get your work done?" He said yes. I said, "I wish you would have called me to let me know you were ok, but I'm glad you're home safe." He said, defensively, with a raised tone of voice, "I told you I had work to do!" I said, "yes, but you didn't say you would be doing it till nearly midnight. Anyway, I'm glad you're home safe," and walked in the other room. So he almost sounds like he was at his office the whole time? I would think he would have gone to our local pub after working some, to get some dinner and a beer and entertain the idea of talking to a female, perhaps.
Anyhow, thank you, NOPkins, I will specifically address this in my individual session next week. All he has told me about "what I can do" is that laundry list of sexual things. We mentioned this specifically during the heated discussion on the drive home last night. I mentioned it and he said, "and you still don't get it, you just think I'm trying to manipulate you to get what I want" I said "yes, I do get it." He said, "what is it then?" I said, "to prove to you that you're the one I really want to be with and I'm passionate about you." He seemed a tiny bit stunned that maybe I did get it, but followed it with another question. Oh and at one point, he said, you keep talking about the sex as if it's the main issue and it's not. I said that I felt that way because he had hammered it in. Anyhow, I'm rambling now. Thank you for your help. I don't know how we are ever going to get over this. He acts EXACTLY like someone who has recently been cheated on.
I agree that H is stuck and you can help him get unstuck with the kind of strategy NOP suggests, but ONLY if he is willing to do most of the work. HE needs to own the problem and work to resolve it. You cannot fix it for him.
I just worked with a guy that was stuck in a loop. His issue was that his wife didn't understand her part in the original event. When she finally did, then he started to recover from it.
This "stuck loop (obsessive loop)" seems to occur with men more than women, but it happens to both. Conventional wisdom that demands that the person stuck in the loop just "get over it" ends up breaking more marriages than it fixes. It is very commonly misunderstood, and is not an answer to the problem.
Having said all that, I don't know that you having sex that you don't want to have is the answer. Understanding what he believes transpired during the period in question does likely contain the element that will defuse the loop. I hope you have been brutally honest with him, and if you haven't, then you need to be.
Is there any chance your husband would participate here?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
