Way to go! I’m very proud of you! Be brave, don’t be scared, even though you might think all seems hopeless. It’s hard to feel empowered when you’ve been struggling on a tilted playing field for so long. It seems like you’re always fighting uphill. Funny thing though, your W probably feels the same. So maybe the field wasn’t ever slanted to begin with?
I saw nothing in your W’s response to indicated she is leaving, or wants a D, or is sick of you. All I saw was lots of despair, just like your recent posts. Emotion clouds her outlook, yet there was nothing definitive in her words. To me she is lost too.
Since you two are both avoiders, one of you will HAVE to lead or the both of you will just wander off due to your own inclinations. I think she wants to hear strength and commitment from you every bit as much as you want to hear it from her.
I think perhaps we've both been afraid to admit that our feelings for each other are completely gone.
Do you really think this is true? You said otherwise earlier. Dig deep and discover how you truly feel. Then express those feelings to her and do not sway from them. This statement is a deflection to protect yourself. If she says she truly loves you, will that help you get past your resentment and see that you actually do love her? If she reacts in the same way, then you two have a nice little self reinforcing cycle, only a negative one, with each waiting for the other to make the first move. You’ve made that move, so keep going.
Since you have been through this before, now might be a good time to think about what went wrong 5 years ago. I don’t think it is as simple as her desire just dwindled off. What could YOU do differently this time? What promises did you make then that you did not keep, so that you can avoid sending the same message and putting her into more despair that things will just be the same? What is your 180? What is your carrot?
