We don't have any children together. This is a second marriage for both of us and we married only 5 years ago and we are in our late 40s. I was attracted to him because of his gentleness and caring personality. He was always a giver. Now, I'm not sure if he just wanted me to see what he wanted me to. Yes,I knew he had financial problems before we got married, I almost didn't marry him because of his debt. But I took a leap of faith, let my guard down and decided to give it a try. It didn't take long, only a year into our marriage before he began his A, and it has been a battle every since. I am guilty of telling him to get what he wants, IF he can afford it. I let him make that decision. How do I say this to make sense. We don't co-mingle our bills, he has no idea what my bills are, and I don't know anything about his. Budgets? Well, I've brought this up several times, but he's just not interested. We really live separate lives. We're not your conventional married couple. Because we both are divorsed, we're a little more protective of what's mine is mine type of attitude.
I am about to get to a point where I want to sell the house, but honestly, if I move, I'm pretty certain that it would be to live by myself. I think he would want that too. He's not open to have me in HIS finances. And, I can't trust him to do the right thing.
I think it makes things a little easier since there are no children. You can focus on and consider what's best for you. Consider the pros and cons of dissolving the marriage. Since there isn't a great deal of history together and there have been problems even from early on (i.e. money, affair)... I would think there's a lot less to keep you together. Maybe you'd both be better off getting a legal separation or divorce, living separtely and being friends (so finances aren't an issue and his debt isn't effecting your life so much). If you enjoy each other's company you could even still get together and see each other.
... or go separate ways if there's not a strong connection.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Great advise, but I'm scared to do it because I'm scared I would regret it. He keeps telling me that he loves me sooo much which makes me feel guilty of having these thoughts. Why can't I just tell him how I feel? Our communication skills sucks. I'm too non-confrontational and he's too secretive.
Somehow you have to separate the money from the relationship. Eventually you're only going to resent this man more if he pulls you down financially so you'll need to figure out how to take care of that.
Communication problems should be worked though in MC with someone who is very good in this particular problem. If you both can agree that you lack in this area maybe you can also make it a goal to work through it. Look at it positively as an area you'd like to grow in and get better at.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Updating. I told my H that I caught up the house payments. $4,000.00 worth. He said, "so did I". I don't know if that's true or not, but it's easy enough to find out. I told well that's good. We are now paid up through the end of July so I told him rather than him sending the payment for June and July to the mortgage company, give me the money so that I can put it back into savings. I also said, you know we need to communicate better here. I also said that we need to sell our house, he asked me if I was ready to move and told him yes, if the house is going to ruin my credit becasue as it is now I'm 1 over 30 days late, somthing that has NEVER happened to me. He said nothing. No apology, nothing.
You know it's funny. I love him, but I absolutely do NOT trust him. I don't snoop (well, not very much) I don't nag him about anything. We get along well, but I don't like having my life in his hands. And that's how I feel. My life has been ruined enough by him. I have to overcome his A, and now I have to watch my credit. I'm really getting over this pretty fast. As a matter of fact, I've started looking at apartments. I don't want to be without him, but I don't want to be with him. Does this make any sense?
Just make sure you're able to keep your money for youself so you always have that independece if necessary.
Hopefully, because you do enjoy him and care about him, you can be friends and companions while still keeping your finances separated so you don't have to worry about that.
I can understand loving someone, but not fully trusting them, and not wanting your life in their hands (I kind of feel that way myself in my own marriage). So just make sure you have your security and try to enjoy your life in the present, one day at a time.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
But, is this the love that should be between husband and wife. Not trusting, keeping things separate. Shouldn't marriage be a partnership? Sharing? I don't care to share my money with him and visa versa. I may be old fashioned, but I don't think this is a healthy marriage.
well, as you said you both came from divorces, so when you got married you both agreed to have separate accts. In my case we have joint accts. If he is being so defensive when you ask about the mortgage and is still trying to buy happiness, I highly recommend you bring up C, suggest you both go together, and once there hopefully the MC will tell him to seek a T for his depression, which is what he seems to be having by your earlier posts.
It might be to late to wish to have joint finances, he might think you are trying to control him or something. What remains is to sit down and talk about savings and how to handle the mortage since it does affect your credit, he can't ruin your record like that. Trust can begin by him being accountable for his share.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Update. Our sex life is non-existent these days so I asked my H this morning if there was something that I needed to know. He said no and why do I ask. I told him that we're not having sex and it is a red flag to me. He said, well, I need to fix this.
I know with all my heart that my H truely loves me and that he truely sorry for how he hurt me. I also see how hard he's trying. Why then, can't I just enjoy it. Our R is good. We are the best of friends, but for some reason it just doesn't seem like enough for me. I pray every morning for "wisdom". Pretty much that's it. Not to heal my M anymore, but wisdom. The practical side of me says, run, don't walk. Then, the emotional side says, I really enjoy his company and our R more than I would enjoy being divorsed from him. So you see, it's a constant battle within myself. I'm tired of the battle, but yet I can't seem to shake it. Is this God trying to answer my prayer by giving me this battle, that wisdom (my mind) should overcome my emotions and I should run? Any help with this one? I stay confused and can't stay focused. Thanks.
