Well, wife and D5 are back in the house now for 3 days.They have moved out twice, mainly to me pushing and begging then getting angry. Wife needed some space.
So they are back.
W has agreed that we can work on the marriage/ R. She still says she has no feelings for me, does not love or find me "physically attractive" But she will work on it. She will not go on a "date" even just to the cinema as friends, but she says she is working on it! there is extremely little physical contact, only i can give her a peck on the cheek, she wont do it to me. But she will work on it!! notice the thread! why do i have to do all the work!!!!! SHE said she wants to work on the M/R i am 100% delighted and in agreement! but why must i still suffer!
She has all the space she needs, i am working midday till midnight at the moment, i see her for 1 hr in the morning.
I have read, DR/DB and the 5 love languages, i am in therapy for "anger management!" (the only reason i used to get angry was because my wife bottles up her feelings!) i am listening to her and keeping my mouth shut, i am using her love languages, Acts of service and Words of affirmation 100% but even when i do these she sneers! maybe thinking they are just to get her back!!?????
I have a high sex drive, and no touch or ML is killing me! you see im of the frame of mind if you want to give it a try, give it a try 100% dive in feet first! only 2 people can make this great!
Yes, be patient, as much as you want her to do it the way you think it should be done, it won't work for her. This is the exact same thing I am going through. As tough as it is, unless you do it the way she needs it to be done, you will not come out the other side together. Let me say this, from some one "a little further down the road", you will start seeing positive changes and in a daily rate. For now though, you have to stick it out.
as sad as this might sound, she might not have much to give. When my H came back he also told me he didn't have feelings for me. It was a hard thing to hear, but I knew he had issues,and I took him back that way. It has taken almost a year, but after my H overcame his depression and through C and work, he tells me he loves me. Our SD also switched, (still are at some degree) I want to do it more than he does. There are other factors but all in all he wasnt' as eager either.
Give her time, sometimes it is hard for the WAS to accept the new changes of the LBS, they dont' believe it, they want to see if the S is "faking it" or are waiting for the new and improved items to fade away. Only with time will she see that this is a new you, that you are willing to be loving, understand and truly have made a 180.
Mark, it is a hard road, piecing, somedays, many days I've despaired, but trust me, it will get better. dont' loose heart.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Folks here got it right - be patient. As you will read in a lot of the Piecing threads - now the real work begins.
Read up on tyler's thread - he's going through a similar patch with his W. He's made some changes of late and they seem to be having some sort of 'effect'.
Good luck. Hang in there...it's a marathon, not a sprint....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
(the only reason i used to get angry was because my wife bottles up her feelings!)
I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I had/have an anger management problem as well...and I think it's more accurate to say that you allowed your anger at not getting what you wanted from her to determine your behavior. You can choose to handle it constructively, or not. I think for a lot of us anger can be a little like addiction in that it's so much easier, and feels better right now, to blow up than to work through it peacefully within ourselves.
A lot of people will tolerate almost anything to some degree, but anger just makes them want to run away.
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i am listening to her and keeping my mouth shut, i am using her love languages, Acts of service and Words of affirmation 100% but even when i do these she sneers! maybe thinking they are just to get her back!!?????
You ARE doing it to get her back! But you're (hopefully) also trying to change and make it a more natural part of your behavior. But if you're doing it for the right reasons (because you want to, because you care about her), then you need to be happy for the opportunity to do it, and realize it's always been HER choice whether to accept it, or not. Always has been. At this point, you just need to do it, be happy about it, and ignore her response as best you can.
Always remember that many people here are separated and rarely even see their spouse, so the fact that she's even working on getting back to 100% is a great sign.
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I have a high sex drive, and no touch or ML is killing me! you see im of the frame of mind if you want to give it a try, give it a try 100% dive in feet first!
I suspect, and this is just a guess, ok, but when she says "she's working on it" what she really means is, "she's working on getting to where she CAN dive in 100%." Again, be greatful that she's that far along the road. It could be much worse at this point.
I'm almost a year into this piecing stuff and it does get a little easier every day. Just remember you're doing this for you. The more I worked on fixing myself without focusing on what I thought was wrong with my W, the better things got for me, and it just ended up being a bonus that my W decided to rejoin me, and now things are pretty good for both of us.
But last summer, I couldn't even imagine we'd still be together right now, much less be as happy as we are. Last summer, she couldn't stand to be near me, and I was just a walking ball of anger, hurt feelings, and resentment.
Now things are 180 degrees different. It ain't perfect, and we still have a long way to go, but we both feel like we're getting there, and doing it together as well as individually.
Sounds to me like you're alot like I was. If you can deal with your own anger and get to where you're emotionally independent and detached, where you derive your self-worth from your own accomplishments and attitude instead of the level of attention you get (or don't get) from your wife, you'll definitely feel better. And you'll just naturally act better. And as long as you take the high road, things will get better for you no matter what your wife does.
Last edited by toughlover; 05/16/0701:38 PM.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Thanks tough. Its just so hard. Al she seems to want to do is go out with these single mums. I have been on the late shift all this week, i have been meeting her needs with tidying up the house, helping with D5 and giving her space. Last night i asked if we could go out to the cinema next week, she replied that "we" meaning her "friends" dont know what they are doing yet. That hurts when it is me trying to save a family and these people come first in her life.
I know she needs space, i know she needs me to stop going on, last night i came home at 11pm, got into bed and just whispered, did you have a good day? she replied shut up and goto sleep. Yesterday, i work in custodial, we had a small riot on one of the wings, my arm was slammed in a door as i was attacked by 14 prisoners. To be quite honest i am lucky to be here. My arm has 2 hair line fractures, AND i have gone back to work next day on light duties. She has not even asked how my arm is!!!!!!!!!!!!
so my question is that i am having a hard time with.......
How by giving space and being so detached and getting on with life going to help with my marriage!???? shouldnt we be trying to go out and recconnect? our lease ends in 2 months!!! how can we save this???
me 34, wife 32 , daughter 5 . married 8 years , together 10. Bomb dropped 9th april 07. she moved out 9 days later.....
What a terrifing time you must have had! And I know at times like this you want to have someone there who cares. Just remember that she can care for no one but herself right now, and that is such a hard thing to deal with. You can't push, and you can't force, things just have to progress slowly and she will let you know when she is ready for more. You have to act as if, and this is going to be the hardest thing to do! But it can pay off and just keep that in mind.
Take care of yourself right now, focus on you and your daughter!
Lots of hugs! and I hope your arms doesn't give you to much pain!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
How by giving space and being so detached and getting on with life going to help with my marriage!????
It's not, directly. It's going to help YOU because you need to get control of yourself. It's the only thing you really can control, anyway.
In the long run, when she sees you have gotten a life again, that you're not pushing her or being too needy, you have your best shot at getting back together, as fully and completely as possible.
Remember, it's your best shot; it's not guaranteed. But pushing her too hard or constantly talking about the marriage will probably just increase the distance.
Yep, you guessed it...the ball's in her court. It ain't fun. It ain't pretty. It's just how it is.
The hard fact is that the marriage seems to be mostly on hold while she makes up her mind. It stinks, I know. I've been there.
But your life is not on hold. Not really. And if she IS serious about working her way back to the marriage, then she IS working on it, just not in the way you'd prefer right now.
And if she isn't, really, then detaching will help you deal with whatever comes in a more constructive way for you and your child(ren).
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
