Piecing - H still contacts OW

[ourcrisis]

My story:

First Thread
Second Thread

Summary:
H was friends with OW and OW's brother (I don't know them). OW's brother passed away due to a sudden cancer. H took over the role of brother/lover and EA/PA started. I found out 5 months later while the A is in full swing. At that time, MLC or not, H was in a crisis and was an "alien". He was going to leave and was mean to me. I started DB later and it started to work. PA supposedly became EA and slowly H was showing his niceness to me again. OW still in the R, though. H "loves me but also loves her".

In March, when I felt H will end the A soon, H said he needs to move out "be alone to decide and don't contact anyone" and expected to be back in two weeks. I found out the first day that OW was with him. I broke off all contact and said I did not want him back unless he is "DONE WITH HER". After two weeks, he told me "he dumped her" and he was moving back. I was not really given a say in the moving back and I did not push. He told me that he needed to move out to "end things with her. This is his convoluted way to end things and he has to do it."

What is the current situation?
- H is back in the house. He has virtually cut off all night
outings with everyone and only spend time with me. We go
out a lot together to do things.
- H is taking care of the kids, and trying to be a "be there"
father and husband. e.g. he actually remembers that I like
a dish he cooks and cooked for me on Mother's Day. It was
a big deal to me.
- We are currently living far away from home due to h's work.
His contract is ending and we will actually be moving home
this summer. H did not push to renew the contract. He said
"he is hoping the distance will lessen his pain" (of loving
her?)
- H is in depression. He told me that (can't tell from his
poker face). H still refuses to open up to me with his
feelings, R or not R.
- H does not want to listen to my feelings either. When I do
have my crying sessions, he either hugs me or critize me
("why do you need to know? Are you trying to punish me?").
Even when he is in a good mood to care for me, he does not
discuss deeply my issues. ("You have to work this out
yourself")
- H is still in contact with OW. Talks everyday, phone and/or
online. That H let me know. I strongly suspect H is still
meeting OW for lunch, that he does not let me know. (I know,
give him the benefit of the doubt, but I am fairly certain)
He told me "he has to give her a soft landing" so as to not
hurt her feelings.
- Having said that, h does go out of the way to be nice. He
tries to tell me everything else. He tries to plan our
move back home, chit chat with me. However, I am still left
out of his work circle friends because he does not want
to run into OW while being with me.

So, what is my issues? Most of you here would probably say,
"Good work. keep it up. He is being very nice already.
Give him time." Well, my issues:

- I am feeling very resentful that he is not respecting me.
I told him "Don't come back till you are DONE WITH HER."
He came back anyway (good) but still keep in contact with
OW. He told me "It will end this summer anyway when we move."
I feel very resentful that he is coming back due to
circumstances (kids, work ending, too difficult to have
long distance R, etc.) I feel resentful that he is not
coming back because he loves me. I feel if he truly cares
for me, he needs to cut off all contact with OW, not let
their R dies a slow way (he knows he is hurting me which
I think is the reason he is still lying to me)
- I resent the fact that he will not let me in his circle.
I still do not meet his other social work friend and I never
will. I feel like we are still not 100% together
- Because he plans to contact OW at least until we move, I
am worried that he will see her whenever he is back in town.
I won't be there then and how would I know if A won't start
again (even for a short 2 weeks?)
- I resent the fact that he is not opening up to me the way
he did with OW. OW and H had similar family background
(alcoholic) and both are very active. H feels that OW
understands him. H would get drunk with OW. I did not
drink before but now I take a little wine to keep him
company. I told him to get drunk with me. He refused.
I feel that he closed off being open with me because
he won't even let his drunken side show in front of me,
but would with her.

Thank you for reading so far. My logical brain tells me it is
too early for him to open up and may be I should just let
the A ends the natural cause since after all, we are moving home soon. But that's exactly the part that I feel resentful most, that it is circumstances, not his heart that does the action. i fear that if the right triggers appear again, he will do this again (he said "he's learnt his lesson. It won't happen again.") I am not so sure (girls happen to pour out their feelings to him for some strange reasons, all these years).

I want to tell him something:
- Are you still seeing OW?
- You are still contacting her. This is hurting me. I do not know
if I can trust you, ever because you have not kept your promise
all these times
- May be we should separate if you still want to be with her
- I cannot be intimate with you anymore. I feel sick
- If you don't cut off all contacts, we will eventually divorce
- I need you to be honest with me, not lie to me again. I told
you before that I want the truth to feel respected so i can
make my own choices. I do not want to be treated like a kid.

Some of the above are probably overboard but they are in my mind. I need some advice here (give it to me blank, I can take it) If you have read this far, what do you think I should do? Both in terms of telling/not telling/what to tell H, and how to addres my own feelings/insecurty/RESENTMENT? I am an uptight person (dot the "i" type) that's why I feel he needs to cut off contact before we move back to show total commmitment. Otherwise, this may hang in my head forever. So I need either to get past it myself or he has to do something (preferred)

OK. That's all. Now I will try and read some other posts and hope to give at least some hugs to the newcomers. THANK YOU.