Its amazing... I am starting to live...

[Delil@h]

REMEMBER awhile ago when I mentioned my crazy ex friend?
well she is dating one of my H's friends and to make a long story short she calls me H and for some reason it fills me with rage honestly and I am one of the most laid back people you are going to meet. lAST TIME I CONFRONTED HER SHE HUNG UP THE PHONE ON ME .
IMMEDIATELY CALLLED MY H TOLD HIM I WAS UPSET AND THAT I HUNG UP ON HER!!!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

so just before he mentioned her and I was getting angry and going to just let it ride and then I said ..

" YOU KNOW I AM SO HAPPY YOU WANT TO BE HONEST WITH ME AND TELL ME SHE CALLED BUT I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HER ANYMORE,, IT REALLY UPSETS ME AND MAKES ME ANGRY. HE SAID OK.

AND I WAS ABOUT TO GO ON AND HE SAID " I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE." IN A FIRM VOICE. AND I SAID FINE I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW I FEEL AND SHE HAS NO REASON TO BE CALLING YOU! NONE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just listened and in the past he would have told me to stop being jealous. And she will be calling my H daily now b/c she has her boyfriends CELL phone and her boyfriend is working for my H.
So I felt I needed to stop him telling me about it cause I can not control that she calls but I can control that I do not want to hear about it???

TOO LATE BUT DID I OVEREACT?

I AM JUST SO TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF....

REALLY TIRED...
GOD BLESS...

[Delil@h]

I sit here and I wonder why in the world did I have to go thru H*ll to get here? I still get sad once in awhile , and I still doubt myself once in awhile and I still use chocolate cake once in awhile to soothe myself...
But all in all I am doing sooooooooooooooo much better this year than I was last year at this time. I am making myself into the person I always should have been but kept under wraps. My insecurities still show thru every now and again but I am making advances in that part as well. I have tried to stop hiding behind myself and really just be who I am and not think so hard and for the most part it has been good. Occasionally my H will make me feel like I am an idiot but all in all I am much stronger.
Take for instance awhile ago when I went to see my H .. he wanted me to COLD CALL a Parachiol ( sp ) School and ask if they had already had an estimate. Hey sure I can do that in a heartbeat but not in front of the hubby,,, SO.

I said to him I will to call but not in front of you cause then I cannot speak when I know you are listenening... ( SHEESH)
He then asks "well ok that is fine but what are you going to say?"
To which I reply... " I dunno but when I say it it will be good I am very professional you know."

THAT FOR ME IS A MAJOR STEP .. I am usually very quiet and let him/ allow him to make me feel dumb,, even though I know and he knows I am very intelligent. Not anymore and it sure helps that I DO NOT FEEL LIKE I AM SCARED HE IS GOING TO LEAVE AGAIN. It helps me to love and be me from a place where I feel safe to be me and that he will not bolt everytime he doesn't get his way.
I really believe that in finding myself and staying firm in myself and my beliefs.That alone helped our M so much. He needed for me to stand my ground and not give in to his every damn whim,, but not in an angry , confrontational kind of way. In a different way ....
I guess it is hard for me to explain how different I ambut I can say that I followed the motto in my seperation and reconciliation that if it wan't going to get me closer to my goal then do not do it or say it. There were days when I was so uncomfortable and trying to adjust to this new way of interacting and letting go of alot of control but as time has gone by I know that this is a much better way of living.

I now feel like I live by the motto ~ put my husband before myself ~ and not in a way that means " HEY BUDDY I AM YOUR PERSONAL DOORMAT!!$%#~"
But in a way that is pleasing to him and to me and most importantly to GOD. I used to be so afraid to let go. I lived waiting for him to let me down like eveyone else in my life had and pretty much fulfilled that prophecy for myself. I know it is harsh to believe but I did teach him how to treat me and it was not in a very nice respectful way and Thank GOD those days are gone.
I do feel so much more alive now and I have actually been off of my anxiety meds for awhile now and I must say I on my own feel very Happy. I am really proud of the hard work I have done on myself and I must say That I continue to feel more comfortable with him and myself too.

We have been together for almost 11 years now and it seems as if we are getting to finally understand one another and it helps so much that he actually explains things more and listens to me more also.
It is still a work in progress but I wouldn't trade it for anything else... even after al the tears and all the pain. I maintained myself and my integrity and in the ENd received the greatest gift of all MYSELF, STRENGTH AND NEW SELF ESTEEM and a husband who loves me VERY MUCH.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER TO BLAME HIM FOR X, Y OR Z......
CAUSE sure he did %&&* and ^*&*(*( and *&*)) but it was so much better to look and the mirror and change me. Harder but better... the reward has been great.
Will post more later ... My life is filled with blessings and has been for years I just had my eyes closed.
God bless...

[Delil@h]

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY !!!!!!!!!

I must say that this was a very good day for me, my H is out of town working ( he usually is away working ) and he called me this morning to wish me a Happy Mothers Day. I could not stop smiling. Then the kids and I were having a good time and my H called again to say HI and then out of the blue he says to me I love you to which I reply I love you too precious....

He then calls again later and says I love you to me again. I was elated,, best Mothers Day gift he has ever given me.REALLY!

My kids made me some real awesome gifts too. And we all had a nice day.

I just have to say that I feel so very blessed I really do... I hope and pray that our R continues to improve and get stronger.

Just last year on Mothers Day I remember crying myself to sleep... As corny as it may sound .... I DO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES...
God bless...

[COG]

Ali,

Happy belated mothers day!

TOO LATE BUT DID I OVEREACT?

Well I think you have every right to be hurt that she keeps calling your H. After what she did to you, it's pretty insulting that your H would accept her calls. After all that I've learned, if someone had done what she did to my W I'd have nothing to do with her. But maybe there's a better approach. Instead of getting angry and trying to control who he talks to, maybe you could explain to your H just how it feels when she calls him, and how it feels that he takes her calls. Tell him it does'nt make you feel lovey dovey towards him, it makes you feel sh?t on, disrespected, and unappreciated. Tell him it makes you feel a lot more hot and sexy when he's fighting for you, instead of aiding the enemy.

I'm glad you're still going strong. Hope you're still working out and taking good care of yourself.

God Bless,

COG

[Delil@h]

Thanks Cog... You once again are right. I get furious when he mentions her name. And it is even more pathetic that he is being nice to her. Sure he is trying to be polite but in the mean time I am getting "laughed" at. But like you said.. instead of trying to control it.... I did tell him what I needed to say and I know she will not stop she is NUTS! No exaggeration at all whatsoever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know he was trying to "cover up "that he was accepting her calls to begin with so my BLOOD WOULD NOT BOIL. I stated several times before this that I did not want to hear her name ,, I guess he thought I was not serious. And I also remember when I went to see mY hubby in INDY.. he called his friends cell and she answered and I made no emotions.. and he said when he got off the phone why does she have to answer when she knows it is me?

I dunno,, cause she is needy and kinda weird???

BUT I JUST SHRUGGED MY SHOULDERS... also the day I confronted her over the phone and told her that she can do whatever she needs to do but to leave me out of it ,,, she told me she had better things to worry about that her life was not a bowl of cherries and then I got viscious ,, welll viscious for me. I said well I did not call you to talk to you @ your problems I called to tell you to leave me out of your conversations young lady,, I do not say a mean thing @ you ....

and some more and then she hung up on me and had the nerve to call my H.
Why should I be suprised she did plenty of things before I chose to stop being friends with her that were offensive to me but being who I am I would let them go but the pile of sh*t just got too high.

It is sad really that she would treat me this way.. I was the only person that really cared about her. I even told my H before this that I actually felt sorry for her b/c if he really is the only person she can call when she is in a bind how sad. But alas my H is just part of her sick little game.
WOW that got long.... its not really jealousy to me it is more like she is slapping me in the face and my H too when they speak. If she were still my close friend I would not mind. And if she wasn't a compulsive liar.
God bless..

[Delil@h]

Wow Cog I have tried to post many times and they keep disappearing. STRANGE very strange. I guess I need to keep it short and sweet instead of writing a Novel. I am still taking care of me and I have not lost much only 3 lbs back and forth....

I want to focus on me and my health and my body. I have worked very hard on my M and myself and polishing off all the rough edges. Now I think I do deserbe this time to take care of my body stop beating it up nad make it really beautiful. Last year my LBS diet had me nice and trim and I HAD ALSO LOST WEIGHT BEFORE THE BOMB. now 15 lbs heavier I am feeling beautiful but I want more I want to feel comfortable being naked again and just love my body like I love myself now. I think I deserve that.

So I have been buying healthier foods and have even gone organic with alot of stuff... Crazy huh? I made some organic muffins the other day and with only honey no sugar and they were great. I am really proud of myself now I just need to get to working out daily again. I even got some roller blades and my H just smiled from ear to ear when he saw me on them.

I am still going to put my M first and my h too,, but I need to focus on my body now that I have worked so hard on my inner beauty. I need to work on the outside. I deserve this and I want to do this . I will keep you posted and I need to really get serious. I do not want to follow a fad or get super skinny but I WANT TO FEEL AWESOME IN MY OWN SKIN AND NOT BE A NUMBER ON THE SCALE OR A SLAVE TO THE SIZE OF MY JEANS ANYMORE. I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL OF ME.

I read some of my old posts today and WOW was I strong,, if I can do that I can do anything I put my mind to.
Its late and I probably make no sense,, I will post more tomorrow.
God bless...

[Delil@h]

My H will be home Tonite or tomorrow and I am looking forward to seeing him and I am feeling the sting this whole month of " THIS TIME LAST YEAR..." the month of May was particularly crucial for me. The "bomb", Mothers Day,,, My H birthday , my Daughters birthday and then Memorial day. And in between it all getting my butt off the floor and wallowing in Misery and just sheer agony.
So sure I have faith that it does not automatically repeat itself but it just is there right now for me. This year May is fantastic so far and I know it will be OK but there is still this constant reminder for me for some reason?

I do believe that is what has pushed me to want to be my most beautiful self... I deserve to take care of me and put me first and put things in my body that will help it not hurt it. To make love to my H like it will be the last time we ever ML. To be the " hot mama " he wants me to be. To enjoy my H like this whole d*mn thing never happened!!!!To let go of the past more everyday. To be a good Mom too... To stop acting like cause I am getting older I am somehow not good enough.. "ow" was far younger than me.

Who cares.. doesn't fruit get juicier and riper and more delicious when it matures???!!! Well that is the attitude I need to have,, sure I am not this young little thing but that is exactly what makes me awesome that I am older wiser and more luscious. The mind is a very powerful tool. 'bout d&mn time I started using it more!!!!
Falling flat on my face and being dragged thru the mud and being left for dead sure as h8ll resurrected me and to want to be the best D8mn Woman I can be!!!!

I'll let you know how it goes..
God bless...

[Delil@h]

Thanks COG for checking on me and for being such a sweetheart ,, you are the best and you have helped me more than you will ever know. I MISSED YOU TOO . TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF HONEY.
GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.... LOVE, ALI

[Delil@h]

I was having a really good day. Then my H called me and told me to do x,, I was out to lunch and he was a doll. ( he did not rush me ) Then I was running an errand w/ my D8 and he needed me to do z and he was super nice. ( he did not rush me )
and then he needed for me to do Y and I couldn't and he told me .... and .... and do not worry @ it I love you and that is it.
3 ILY's in one week ( who's counting?)~ YOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!~
*****************************************************************
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL,, EXTREME 180 FOR HIM ,, JUST EVEN A FEW MONTHS AGO HE WOULD HAVE BLOWN A GASKET IF I WAS NOT AT HIS BECK AND CALL. I AM ELATED. he even said " honey do not rush do what you need to do first." I honestly have not heard him be like this since I met him. He is becoming so respectful of me and just so sweet again like he used to be. That is why I fell in love with him. He respected me and at the same time had this sweetness to him that just made me melt.
I am so Happy I could just scream!!!!!!!!!!!! And I just called him cause tomorrow is his birthday and I wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday @ midnite. I am also working on getting him a plane ticket to come home tomorrow ..... he said hurry up and get me outta here I wanna see you! I am OFFICIALLY melted.
So much for being "worried " @ it being the ANNIVESARY OF THE MONTH OF THE BOMB.
All of this is a awesome way for me to keep looking forward and enjoy him like this never happened. The more I do that the easier it is to love.

I really like the changes he is making...
GOD BLESS...

[Delil@h]

WANTED to update ... ( parental discretion advised ) MY husband flew in on Wednesday and he told me ILY on the phone.... and it was actualy just a statement not said like he was waiting for me to say it back!!!! AWESOME.
I KNOW I ALWAYS MENTION THIS BUT FOR ME IT IS AWESOME,,, cause he used to say it everyday. I miss that. But I have to focus on I miss that but the R we have now is 100 times better than it ever used to be. We are more open together and we have alot more fun together.
Then when I picked him up at the Airport ( after taking 2 hours to get ready!!!!) ( I have never taken that long to get ready in my life!!!) ( I wanted to knock his socks off!!!!)
I figured I would be his " BIRTHDAY PRESENT "
We got to the car and got in and he couldn't keep his hands off me. I was wearing a dress that had so much cleavage I even shocked myself ( had a jacket on in the Airport,, didn't want to get arrested for to much cleavage ) and I purposely "forgot" to wear appropriate undergarments and I let hin know... and SUPER . Well last year at this time he was well on his way to D me and I wanted not needed to make sure this Birthday was UNFORGETABLE and to completely catch him off guard. I am normally very reserved and Ladylike and he likes when I am " HOT MAMA" like I have stated before. And also in the past he was far too Jealous and Protective for me to even feel this comfortable being this " NAUGHTY "
Then I took him to a Local bar so we could have a few drinks... we had a couple of drinks and then we stopped home. I thought he would want to stay home.

( he is a Homebody with me mostly and when he goes it it is mostly with the boys.. UUUGGGGHHH!)

( when he called me earlier from the Airport I said what do you want to do for your Birthday when you come home??? and he said "I dunno ", and I timidly ( timid is not good)said "Well I thought I would take you for a few drinks.." and he said "Do with me whatever you want".. so I thought to myself ""REEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLYYYY?" THIS is my chance to blow him out of the water,,

So I waited for him and proceeded to "seduce" him and he was putty in my hands... couldn't have ever imagined this last year at this time even in my Wildest Dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That he would just melt when I approached him. While we were kissing he said again ILY... YOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! and I just teased him and I said Ready to go out again and he said "YES!!!"

We went out to another Bar and I ordered him a shot of Tequilla and normally he shys away from me being the one in control but he actually drank it and we toasted to his B'day!!!!!

An acquaintance of mine stopped to say hi to us and I introduced her to my hubby and he told her " you have pretty eyes."
I asked her if she was stilldating " so and so" and she said no I am single there are no good guys.... I said well you have to find one like MY HUSBAND he is awesome!!!! I joked with her that I would go to Mexico with her and help her find a Husband...

NEVER EVER would I HAVE SAID THAT BEFORE. MY H was always far to Jealous,, and it just sort of came out.. and shortly before that what I loved was while she was talikng to us he started to hold my hand.. I LOVED THAT. AND then MY H replied with I smile I might add " YEAH SHE CAN LOOK BUT SHE CAN'T TOUCH."
MAJOR GROWTH FOR HIM I felt so Happy,, when he said that.

I must say that some parts I have to leave out but I gave MY H a BIRTHDAY he will not soon forget...
I am very proud of myself and hope that MY h had a fantastic time. I feel so blessed to be able to even post this cause Once again last year at this time ,, ALL I WAS HOPING FOR WAS A MIRACLE. NEVER , HONESTLY would I have imagined that I would get a Miracle and also get a The Marriage and H ....I always wanted!
I knew THIS was there UNDERNEATH IT ALL but somehow we just couldn't get it right. I know I have surrnedered to love and I am pretty sure he has too.
God bless....