MLC with young personal trainer

[scout332]

Andy,
She did apologize to daughter as soon as things were cooling down between them. W told her W just didn't like constantly having to battle over everything with D. I agree with the intent--just the way message was phrased was wrong.

[andyv]

I'm glad she did.

You mentioned the EA with PT. Has she mentioned how he felt, if they have discussed anything regarding relationship etc.

I did ask my W about her EA, and she told me that she was interested but they have not discussed R and she does not know how he feels about her. Her stories change from really "liking him and wanting to be with him" to "he knows my situation, and that I am not looking for a relationship".

I must admit, I reckon she is pursuing him. Maybe she should read DR to improve her chances with him

[scout332]

Andy,

We have discussed PT and his feelings. First I would say I think he is a very good person who, if I had a 21yoD, I would want her to date. He is not very confident around women despite his personal appearance, and he has only really had one major relationship in his past. I think he does have feelings toward my wife because I don't think he has ever had such a close relationship with a women before. However, I don't think he would do anything to jeopardize the family bond.

My wife is probably more conflicted about the fantasy of being young and beautiful again--able to be attractive to such a "young Stud" again. I believe her identity has changed so much a her physical appearance has changed that she doesn't want to admit that she is a 39yoF and Mother. She wants to be young and free.

[scout332]

Just thought I would drop a note to point out it's our anniversary today. Of course, has not been acknowledged by my W. I left a card in her briefcase--checked and she did open it. Haven't seen one back or any mention of it. In fact she asked what day it was when she was writing a check.

Mother's Day yesterday kids and I made Breakfast-in-Bed. Went to dinner last evening with her widowed BF and her 2 kids. They were at other end of table--I was not in on their conversation. You know it gets hard to keep wanting to DB when there is no positive feedback at all.

[scout332]

Last night, after my W worked out with her trainer, she came home, spent like an hour on the phone, then finally relaxed on the couch. I went over and sat by her. She said "I know it's our anniversary, but I'm just tired".

I'm not quite sure how to take it. Did she think I was trying to get her to have sex? Was it a commentary on state of marriage? Or what? We went to bed soon after and as usual no kiss (except to her forehead).

[Dom R]

Buncha things:
1. "not looking for a relationship" in no way deters "having hot but no comitments sex".

2. she said "unless things change". I dont see where you've asked for, and got a reply on, WHAT things?

3. the trip with him "and a friend", is obviously where she's going to end up having sex with him, if she hasnt already. there's no way you should in any way approve of such a trip.
Im new here, but I might suggest, while not making it a focal fighting point right now, making sure not to give any sign of approval from you.
When august rolls around, i think you should make it clear that either she cancels the trip, or you will divorce her. There's no way a married woman should be taking a trip without her husband, and with this guy.
If she wants to behave like a single woman, then she should become single first.

How's that for a 180? ha.

[Dom R]

PS: why dont you go work out with her?
Show that you support her efforts to get in shape. by keeping yourself in better shape too!

[scout332]

Had interesting Sat night again. We had friends over to cook out. W had lot of wine. Later in the evening, I sat down by her-told "Nothing is happening between us tonight." I answer "I'm not looking for anything to happen until you can give me a goodnight kiss every night." I tell her I think we have become better friends. She starts discussing the trainer's feeling towards her. I listened as long as I could take it. She still is into being young again. Feels she "lost" her 30's, due to bad marriage.

After I go to bed, she stayed up. This am I ask what she did until 1:30. She says she just was listening to music. Of course, I get on computer this am find she has been searching May-December romance and Ashton-Demi. She still is caught up in the fantasy of this guy. I don't know how long I can put up with this.

[scout332]

Discussed situation more yesterday. She says she feels things are going better between us. She doesn't have desire to hug or kiss me (but says she would if it would make me feel better). That I declined. She just doesn't know how to get rid of the feelings she has for the OM. She asks if I want her to stop working out with him--I tell her she needs to decide for herself (of course, I think she does). She is worried that it will complicate her life at the gym and that she'll never lose weight if she stops.

She asked if I wanted her to move out. I told that I didn't want that. I just wanted things with OM to be over. She is worried that I am going to be mad and "mean" to her. I tell her I have no desire to be mean to her--I'm just going to continue to work on being friends. She says she won't discuss feelings for OM with me anymore--I don't know if that is good or bad.

It still feels like one step forward, two steps back. Something tells me it may feel that way for awhile.

[Dom R]

??? why didnt you say "yes", stop working out with him?!!! she gave you an opening.. you should have taken it!

If it ever comes up again... maybe you could try saying, "i'd like to work out with you instead"

Or, contrariwise, if she doesnt think you could motivate her...
finding a female, HETEROSEXUAL, trainer, at a different gym.


here's another thing: "personal trainers" are in a big way, "personal motivators". they have to be; thats how they get their clients to keep going.

They make them FEEL GOOD about THEMSELVES. That's why she's so attracted to him.

Are you working on that? not just "being friends", but making your wife feel good about herself?

Along those lines: is she still "helping herself" in bed?

rather then trying to touch her.. which she might see as being selfish, and you trying to get something for yourself... what about maybe.. very gently.. making her feel good about herself then, too? just verbally?

maybe (after waiting until she's REAAAALLY in the middle of things ) telling her how sexy she is. 100% focusing on her, without any hint of you wanting something from her.
make it really about her.