Email him back, tell him you've reconciled with your husband, that you think back upon him fondly and wish him the very, very best.
I'm leaning towards this option now because if I leave it "undone" I will be tempted to say something I shouldn't down the line when I'm feeling extra vulnerable.
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I understand your hestitation to tell him it's a done deal because you don't know if your M is on solid ground. It's perfectly normal to feel longing, hesitation, temptation. But LFL, it's time to take the bull by the horns and get a grip on these feelings you have.
See, this is where I get frustrated with H. Why isn't HE "taking the bull by the horns"? Why isn't he reading this thread right now (as he could be) and confronting me on this craziness? But no, he ignores a great deal. That is HIS choice.
LFL...you must get over this guy to give your M a chance to survive and thrive. If the door is open to him even a crack you sabotage the progress you have made in your marriage.
I know myself well enough to know that is absolute truth. Thus, a "nail in the coffin" email is necessary.
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Ok, you want to be honest? Your marriage won't be on solid ground until YOU fully commit to it, and you can't be fully committed til you put him behind you.
Make sense?
Perfect sense. But as others have so easily struggled with this concept, so do I. Why/how can I fully commit when my H continues to ignore the sexual issues, the OM issues, etc. Why would he do that?
I think you have now exacerbated the problem to the point that you need to include your husband in on what is going on with you. He has a right to know that his wife is now struggling with her feelings for another man.
When I read that, I first cringed and said to myself "but I'll make things worse, maybe he won't forgive me, etc" But that is not the truth. The truth is I fear he will shrug it off, not make a big deal out of it, ignore the issues once again. It would hurt mew more than him telling me F off.
So I push, and I test, and I still get no response from him. That is not what I want in a M partner. It kills my soul.
But that is not the truth. The truth is I fear he will shrug it off, not make a big deal out of it, ignore the issues once again. It would hurt mew more than him telling me F off.
So I push, and I test, and I still get no response from him. That is not what I want in a M partner. It kills my soul.
LFL, haven't ever responded to one of your threads, however, I can respond to a few things.
I think the way your H is acting is sometimes a man thing (no offense, guys). My H is the one who dropped the D Bomb, just as yours is the one who moved out, and he is acting "as if" nothing ever happened. He also had an EA for who knows how long. A guy thing, I think. We women like to talk about things and how we are feeling, etc.
As far as the OM and the email issue, you have said how hurt you were when H moved out and had rented the apt behind your back, etc. The way I look at it is, what if H were the one receiving an email from OW and was dealing with the same issues you are right now? What would you want HIM to do?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Choco, I was actually thinking of you while I was typing that. Maybe it will help you see things from your W's point of view somewhat. Don't do nothing. LFL
what if H were the one receiving an email from OW and was dealing with the same issues you are right now? What would you want HIM to do?
I'd want him to tell her to F*ck off. In fact, my H did respond with an old college girlfriend while we were S and I found out about it (he left his email open one time). I was pissed and told him so. He was not responding while we were back together but he kept her email in his mailbox with their last correspondence. I told him to get rid of it and he did. He wasn't even seeing her and I was really pissed off. I on the other hand was F-ing another man and he barely showed any emotional reaction. WTF is that? Did it bother him? Yes, he told me so, once, but has never shown an ounce of jealousy since. Not even when he found out about my emails with Chrome. He was not happy, but never showed jealousy, or anything that I equate with a strong emotional reaction. Is that just men? Maybe partly. But it doesn't seem normal to me. He says he loves me, he says he's attracted to me, but rarely initiates sex or shows any sexuality towards me. He is affectionate, hugs me, gives me back rubs, you get the idea. But could care less if I go out with the girls on the weekend and surround myself with other men. And why should he trust me? I already broke the trust with the Chrome incident and I certainly wasn't faithful during our S (even though I told him straight out I was going to date). I don't care if we were S or not. He didn't CARE. Said he "understood" in fact. That would not have been my reaction at all. He just hurts me with his emotional withdrawal. Still.
Ok, so in the middle of these posts I knew I was getting myself worked up so I forced myself to dash off the "don't write me anymore" email. I did it and I'm fairly proud of myself. Despite the continued struggles in my M, I do want it to work with my H. Maybe THAT is the nutty part. Maybe I should just cut my losses and move on. But I can't do that either. He is my best friend and the father of my children. That is something I cherish. I want it to be MORE, but it is just not right now. I will drive myself nutty focusing on OM or anyone else. See, I still have a little sense. LFL
