Piecing, 2 steps forward, one back, or more?

[25yearsmlc]

JDK,

Moving Dates...what's that??

don't know. Much too much to do this summer. Back and forth, sort of half there, half here until the fall. Feels as if the move, and the send offs to our children, will be only MY responsibility/problem, but I'm predicting/mind reading there, to h's detriment. Not fair to complain, just yet at least. I guess I have to get d9 into school up there in August but I have to see d18 off to college in September...don't know how this will work, logistically. H called about what dates he should spend down here, other than d18's graduation. I said 4th of July which would also mean being here for d9's birthday on july 1. H said "not good timing" as it's right before his contract renewal, when he'll probably make partner, and besides that---- he "WILL be here for her birthday" i.e., --celebrating it 2 weeks early...which won't be the first time a kid "changes their birthday" ...so I made a snide remark...(brilliant, huh?)
Then h said for me not to give him a hard time as he was in the presence of a co-worker, which means she could also hear HIM giving ME a hard time. I told him not to ever do that "in public" again and that I was hanging up. He muttered and then I hung up...great.....GREAT DBing J-!!!!! Christ, I have to go do my forgiveness/anger releasing exercises again, CLEARLY...

Also don't know where we're going to live up there either. Hard to find rentals online and even though buying is a better idea, eventually, I don't know the areas enough to choose yet, and NO, I WILL NEVER LET H PICK THE HOUSE WITHOUT ME THERE....sorry, been there, done that. Vowed to kids that h would never again choose a place. He did choose for us twice in the past and one place was 950 sq ft, but close to his work...and other was a dump and we were assigned to my home town then. It bugged me b/c I felt ashamed and so did the kids, so we rarely entertained the way we wanted to.

And btw, our son will arrive tonight (!) and be here for the summer, maybe for his last summer with us, as he graduates from college next year...so for me, this summer is a special time I want to cherish. At least all my kids will be here with me. Having H gone a lot isn't new. But it'd be nice to have all 5 of us together. Christmas was the last time, and s20 hurt his wrist, really really badly unfortunately...long story there....(instead of a normal break, it was also dislocated and did nerve damage to his left hand, so he cannot grab things or use that hand to carry stuff. MD said "Functional amputee"---OUCH!! Unless the PT and 2nd surgery got lucky. He has some motion in it, and luckily he is right handed. But since he's athletic, and really his body/face ARE his way of making a living--he's an actor and has been on Broadway, so, frankly, I cannot even think about his hand too much, or I'll freak out. I MUST believe that b/c he is strong, otherwise healthy, is doing his physical therapy and we accessed the BEST hand surgeon we've heard of (FIB, he's in NY, btw--and takes no insurance....ouch again) that we are doing all we can. If we know this to be true, the rest is in God's hands. (Guess that could apply to our M's too)...

Is it just ME? I almost cried dropping d18 off at school today KNOWING I will only do this another dozen times before she's off to college? No more dropping off at school, saying hilarious lines or motherly things, and picking her up later and asking how her day was, etc.... I remember dropping son and daughter off at school a week before son graduated from high school. They were walking together talking, with their backpacks. I watched them go....and I cried, knowing I might not ever see that again, and that our time as a family with children, is much more limited than I ever realized. I am NOT looking forward to the kids bbeing out of the house. I am also one of 9 kids, so maybe it's just what I'm used to. But with these little people/growing up SO fast, is this something just mothers feel (except your MLC wife, jdk, sorry--but I still retain hope she'll "wake Up" she has too many inconsistencies, she makes me look decisive...) or do guys feel it a lot too?

Folks, I recognize that I am overwhelmed. I am depressed and paralyzed by everything...I know I need some sort of help, but am not sure where to get it. Yep, am on AD's and they helped, but I have so much trouble sleeping, even with sleeping pills. Without taking something, I'll stay up until 3 or 4 am and then be dragging all day.

Yes, I've got a DB appt but I think I need help HERE, kwim? Also am neglecting the most important legal case I ever had, the only one I kept...WHY?? Low self esteem, fear of losing the case, both true. I've taken some professional hits in the past that really hurt one's ego. Never really worked through them. I reported a L for doing something unethical, and maybe illegal. I left my job, but was smeared for reporting that guy AND he kept his job. So now, for the only plaintiff's case I ever took I am stalling idiotically....and the amount the case COULD settle for, or win at trial, is big. Maybe a life changing amount, and also, a very good cause. What is wrong with me?
Well, glad I cleared all that up.
j-