NikkiB #15 (moving to Piecing)

[NikB]

Ellie and ST - thanks.

Ellie maybe that's it - I'm trying to be TOO "reasonable and trusting." And I guess I'm still a little shaky on fully trusting that he's back, so I worry that pressuring him on this point will make him run again. Gotta work on that.

ST - NOT that I wanted it to be a PA, but I've read a lot of times that men are more hurt by a PA while women are more hurt by an EA. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier for him to understand my feelings if it HAD gone even further over the line into a PA and removed this "But nothing happened" element.

I think you probably called it and it's a combo of both of these things:

he really really thinks that nothing is going to happen again so why is it a big deal, or he's kinda feeling left out at the functions at work and thinks do I have to stay home just because she's there.

But you're right, I should ask and see what his response is.

The after work stuff is hard. A big part of me thinks it's unfair to ask him not to go at all just because she happens to go too (they're all mechanics and several are friends outside of work - the after-work beer is kind of a bonding thing for them). It's the intent behind it that I actually care about. As in, would he go anyway whether she was there or not? Then I'm ok with it. But if he's going because she's there or it's basically them going and 1-2 people tagging along, it's NOT OK with me. Seems like an awfully blurry boundary though.

I have thought a lot about whether it should be "not OK unless I'm with you" but ugh.. I'm really not sure I want to put myself back in THAT position again.

I am still kind of hung up on some of the things he said shortly post-bomb I think, too. For example encouraging me to go out with other men so I could find someone else and make it easier for him to leave. So I have this fear that if I mention the scenario you described, about the guy in the singles group, that H would go "Oh great, so glad you have alternatives in mind, I'm outta here!" I need to keep in mind that we're both in a different place mentally/emotionally than we were in those days.

I was thinking more about it and realized why the whole "I'm being honest" thing got to me so much. He's trying to get off the hook for things he knows will hurt me and make it OK because he's being honest about it. ST I tried your "put myself in someone else's shoes" idea and turned it around - it's not OK for me to go jump in bed with some other guy just because I tell H about it later, right? I mean can you imagine? "But honey why are you upset I slept with another guy? I'm being honest! Don't you want me to be honest?" And all last year he was honest with me... heck a lot of the inappropriate crap took place right in front of me, literally! That doesn't make it OK. It's a step up from hiding or lying about it, but barely. I deserve better than that.