Ok. My First Thread in Many Moons

[Lillieperl]

I really think any contact with the OM is inappropriate for either LFL or her H. He has no part in the drama. You can't blame him for checking with LFL to see if she is interested/available. He did nothing wrong in contacting her. At the time he was with her, she was not with her H. He really isn't the OM-- he's just a guy she saw while she was separated. He doesn't need to be "chased off." You can't blame a guy for trying-- he doesn't know if she's still married or not. No one owes him any explanation or information. I certainly can't see what would be served by LFL's H getting into the act.

[Cobra]

Lil,

You can't blame him for checking with LFL to see if she is interested/available. He did nothing wrong in contacting her.

I disagree with this. I think he did everything wrong with contacting a married woman, beforehand and now. So she was separated at the time. She was still married, and he knew that. What is LFL going to do if he follows up on his email, saying something like "I never heard back from you on my previous email(s) so I was just checking in...." What if LFL's H happens to see this message?

You can't blame a guy for trying-- he doesn't know if she's still married or not.

This OM made a decision to see a married woman, separated or not. I think he knew what he was getting into. So in this case, I say yeah, you can blame him for trying.

He also got the message that LFL's reconciliation may not have been too certain, leaving the door open for him to check back again. Maybe this is where LFL needs to step up to the plate with her H, because if the OM did not get a clear message, maybe LFL's H has not received a clear message either.

[LustForLife]

First off, thank you all so much for your feedback. But you know me, I make my own stupid choices...and probably did it again.

Here's what happened. I went for a long run after posting yesterday to get out some emotions and keep my cool in front of H (which I did). The whole time I ran I considered the pro's and con's.
I knew that if I did not at least acknowledge him I would really be more worked up in the long term, always worrying he was going to be killed and I'd have that over my head. Maybe a little melodramatic but that's me.
I know you don't understand that but you are not me. This man (as little as he talked about how he felt about me) gave me a part of my self-esteem that was sorely missing when I separated. He is a good person. He made me feel worthy. He respected my decision to reconcile with my H. He left me alone for a long time.
Now that he is going off to war, I really feel like he deserves a response from me. He was there for me at the worst time in my life. He is reaching out to me now at probably one of the scariest in his life as well. I cannot ignore that.
Nop, I read your first response to me before I went for the run and I can respect your opinion. I sometimes wish I could be so cut and dry. But I am an emotional female, not an Alpha male. I cannot just ignore him.
With that said, I ended up sending a very short "Be Well" email back to him. I should have said more it turns out because he emailed back this morning "So...how are you? did you get D?"
Ugh. So now I opened up another can of worms and wonder if I should ignore this latest email. I am leaning towards leaving it alone but then I did not put the final nail in the coffin and tell him H and I are still reconciled. (He knew that I was hesitent to reconcile with H when we stoppped talking). I guess he is wondering if we worked it out and to see if I am available. Clearly I am not but a part of me wonders why he is contacting me Now. I shouldn't even care but Dammmiiittt it is hard.
Thanks for letting me vent. I cannot keep talking to him and I know that I won't. If nothing else, for my own emotional sanity. I cannot keep up any emotional attachments to him and constantly watch the local news to see the latest fatalities. Not that I won't be doing that anyways, but you know what I mean.
Ugh! I hate this f*cking war and I hate feeling like this! Why is this so hard?
Ok, I need to get a grip. I think I will just ignore the email. If someone has a better idea let me know. The only problem with ignoring it is he may always wonder if H and I worked it out. I I tell him, he can just move on. And so can I.
But let's be honest, part of me doesn't want to tell him it's finally a done deal because I don't Really feel like my M is on solid ground. I'm shocked he is still even out there thinking of me and that feels dammmm good. As wrong as that is, I feel validated again in a way. But I know in my heart that it is not the right thing to do. I just don't know how to handle this latest entanglement. What else is new.
Ok, I'm done spewing this mess on here for now.

LFL

[OG_Lou]

Lil This is NOT that situation. This is a guy contacting her out of the blue after a long period of no contact. When she broke off with him before, she likely made the above speech. THAT should have ended it in his mind. Maybe he's checking to see if her marriage did continue or to see if she's single..

I didn't know what LFL did to end the R with the OM. If she did say don't bother me at one time. I think that still stands and OM should not have contacted LFL.

I do see he might be checking to see if LFL is available.

the lack of response will tell him that.

Maybe/most likely a lack of response will tell him dot to send anymore e-mails.
So would a direct "don't contact me again."

Maybe I have a different mode of operating. I try to respect OP's clear messages. I get a sign of buzz-off, I am gone from people’s private life.

I see the block or a new address as something to do.

How about a proxy person sending an e-mail to the OM, saying she doesn't want any more contact? I am willing to do it.

Lou

LFL, I didn't see your post above. The proxy offer still stands if you think it would help your M in any way.

[heatherg]

Oops. Well, what's done is done. Since you've emailed him already but didn't cut it off, I think you should do so. Email him back, tell him you've reconciled with your husband, that you think back upon him fondly and wish him the very, very best.

I understand your hestitation to tell him it's a done deal because you don't know if your M is on solid ground. It's perfectly normal to feel longing, hesitation, temptation. But LFL, it's time to take the bull by the horns and get a grip on these feelings you have. Take it from someone who's had one foot out the door of her M for a very long time.....living like that is a temporary fix.

[Greeneyedlass]

LFL,

"he may always wonder if H and I worked it out."

So what if he does? THAT would be his issue, not yours...I don't say that to be mean to him either, but you will not get the M you say you want by thinking this way.

LFL...you must get over this guy to give your M a chance to survive and thrive. If the door is open to him even a crack you sabotage the progress you have made in your marriage.

"But let's be honest, part of me doesn't want to tell him it's finally a done deal because I don't Really feel like my M is on solid ground." Ok, you want to be honest? Your marriage won't be on solid ground until YOU fully commit to it, and you can't be fully committed til you put him behind you.

Make sense?

GEL

[NOPkins]

Hi, LFL.

I think you have now exacerbated the problem to the point that you need to include your husband in on what is going on with you. He has a right to know that his wife is now struggling with her feelings for another man.

I think that you really screwed up. It's amazing to me, how much each of us contributes to our own ongoing drama.

Your precious other man doesn't give a rip about your marriage and would just as soon see it fail. I know you will refuse to believe that, but it is the truth, even if it doesn't sit well. A prince charming he is NOT.

If you want to see people that REALLY care about you succeeding at your marriage, have a look around this forum.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[heatherg]

From my viewpoint, LFL is struggling with her feelings for her H moreso than her feelings for another man. She is being tempted by other people simply because she is not sure that she is where she wants to be, ie. in her marriage.
WTBS, giving in to those temtations is not the answer. The answer is to figure out your feelings for your H and your M and to give your H the courtesy of doing nothing inappropriate behind his back until you can figure that out.

[Greeneyedlass]

Heather,

While I understand where you are coming from on this...I do believe LFL is also struggling with her feelings towards the OM, otherwise it wouldn't concern her if he was wondering if she and her H patched things up...and she would be able to close the door on him, which she stated she's not able to do.

I agree with you though that she's not sure where she wants to be and she needs to figure that out....ASAP.

GEL

[heatherg]

I got the impression that she liked the validation, the thought that someone out there was thinking of her, wanted her. You could be 100% right, she is struggling with her feelings for him, but I just didn't hear that. I heard that she felt flattered and validated that HE still thought of HER. Not the same thing as HER still thinking about HIM, kwim?