New here from MLC board - Need Advice

[peaceful_spirit]

I am a newcomer to this board visiting from MLC board. H and I are trying to reconcile, and there are so many bumps in the road. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy for trying to keep it together.

Here’s my story… H left me and my two young boys in Feb 06 and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. Turns out there was an OW. He moved out. He started acting like a college kid again. I’m pretty sure it was something along the lines of a MLC of some sort, even though he is only 33. He became a person nobody knew.

He came back many times saying he wanted to work on our M. But each time, he found himself wanting to run to her. And each time he ran to her, it wasn’t long (usually a day or two) before he realized he doesn’t want her and came to me saying he wanted to work on our M. I came close to divorcing him many times. In fact, we even went to Mediation a year ago. But each time he came home, he seemed to come to a new realization about himself and about our M.

H and I went to MC last year for a while and H started seeing a C of his own. Him seeing a C was HUGE in my mind because it told me that he is trying to work on himself. He was previously every anit-therapy.

He has tried a few times to cut contact with OW, but has never been strong enough to follow through. He has been struggling big time of the past year with what is going on in his head… with being tempted to the dark side, etc.... To the point where I felt pretty confident there was some sort of covert depression or mood disorder going on.

Since Christmas, H and I have been SLOWLY working on building our M, with no expectations and no demands. In fact, the week of Christmas, he told me that he knows he wants to come home and be with me and the boys, but sometimes he feels that “pull” to OW or the idea of OW, with no responsibility and all fun. HE said he doesn’t want to feel that pull. He said he wanted my help. At this time, I was just pleased that he told me the truth about his feelings even though what he said hurt. He was honest about his internal battle.

From last May through Thanksgiving, things were VERY rocky. We were trying to work on our M, but H was still a bit off his rocker. There was a lot of back and forth on his part. H wasn’t being very nice to me. Then it all hit a head at Thanksgiving when I told him that he was going to dark places and I didn’t want me or the boys to be dragged down with him.

Slowly during the Christmas season, H stated coming around again. HE said he didn’t like the things he did when he was alone. Said that the things I said to him were right on.

So, from around Christmas until now, we’ve been more on solid ground, very slowly spending more and more time together. We’ve been working on having fun together. We’ve been communicating more. We’ve been meeting each others needs more. He’s seemed much more engaged and seeming to want to run away less and less.

However, H has always had a problem with lying. He has a fear of confrontation. This is one thing we’ve been working on. And we still struggle with it. He admits he has a problem with lying to avoid a perceived punishment. He has gotten better about being open with me, but I don’t think I get complete honesty. On top of it, he is still in contact with OW… if nothing else, I know it’s via text message.

That said, he did get a new job where he will no longer see her. Plus, this job is a desk job, whereas before he was a pharma sales rep and always on the road partying with doctors and having no accountability to anybody.

Anyway, when I confronted him AGAIN about no contact, he said that once he has his new job, he will have no more contact with her. I used to snoop and check his cell phone all the time. I no longer do that. I am at the point where I need for him to want to end contact with her because he knows its necessary, and not because I am demanding it. So, I don’t ask anymore. I just told him recently that when contact has ended, I’d like for him to tell me. He said he would. I’m hoping and praying that he ends contact for HIM.

I am struggling. Sometimes I think we have a better M now than many of our friends, and certainly better than it was before. But H still struggles with stuff. I have seen him make progress. I have seen us make progress. But I am still scared to death. I still think there may be a mood disorder going on where he often feels the need for rushes of excitement.

One thing I do know is that we have found the love for each other again. We are kinder to each other now and more loving. However, I know it is still hard with OW out there tempting him.

Oh, another detail… he had his own place for a year. May 1st of this year, he moved back home. So, I am feeling scared. I think he is a little bit as well.

I guess I could use some help or words of encouragement from those of you who have been through the challenge of piecing a M back together after it was so destroyed.