I last posted Saturday afternoon. As I mentioned we had a borderline R talk..., it was R talk, (I have to accept that anything close to R talk actually is R talk in her mind). In that respect, I backslid a bit, maybe more of a backstep in comparison to some of my backslides.
So I thought todays entry should be, 2 days grace. I put effort into being pleasant, upbeat and to avoid anything that might come close to a hot topic. So far, so good for the last 2 days.
Yesterday, she seemed more open to affection from me. I did make it a point to hug the kids, (mine, + nieces & nephews), often. Our combined families, hers and mine, were over for Mothers Day dinner. Partially this was to make sure W could see that it's just ME. I'm not trying to pressure her or chase her. This is how I am and always have been. I like to love on my family and friends. Nobody should go without a hug, that's just not right, so I make sure I hug, put my hand on their back or my arm around their shoulders. It makes me feel good to. One of my best memories is my great uncles and grandfather always patting me on the head or ruffling my hair as they walked by. They always made sure I knew that they knew I was there and I was one of them, a man. They would call me, little man, tough guy or wildman. Silly as it sounds, when you're 5 or 6, that's like hearing you're the king of the world. A guy you just watched tossing bails of hay that you can't even budge, and he was tossing them like they were paper? That man called YOU a tough guy? I would walk on clouds for hours if not days. I wasn't the equivalent of furniture, seen but not heard. I try to do the same, actually I don't have to try, it's just me. Problems arise when W sees this as something that is only directed at her. W perceives this as pursuit. It has been in the past, when it was focused only on her. No longer. That was me thinking, what is wrong with me, aren't I lovable, diserable and attractive? Now I realize, if she doesn't want a hug, or someone to be kind to her, that is her issue. Yes, I made mistakes, I was terribly wrong in how I treated her. If she wants to continue to dwell there I can't talk her out of it nor can I drag her out of it with just one more hug. Nope. W will have to see that this is the real, genuine, authentic ME, and hopefully that will entice her to come out. Not that W is wrong to withold affection from me, or not desire anything from me. Like I said, I know I messed up. Yet I have to move forward at some point. Even the adultress was told by Jesus to "go and sin no more". You can only stay in condemnation for so long, then you have to get up and move forward, sinning no more.
A friend asked me, "can God stop a bad harvest?" He has ruined his life up to this point through alcohol abuse. I told him that Jesus cursed the fig tree and it died. Maybe we can do the same, this harvest is not good, so die. That's all I could think of at that moment. I thought more about this in relation to my sitch. Can I curse the bad harvest, cause it to stop? I can try. Can I believe that I can harvest from fields I didn't plant, drink from wells I didn't dig? I hope so. I'm planting seeds now that will bring me a good harvest. My relationships with my children, extended family and friends are better than they have been in a long time. It hasn't been easy. Picking the phone up and calling someone you haven't talked to in months or years never is. Asking my S14 if he wants to shoot some hoops, after years of him hearing, "not now I have to get to work", his first few responses were, 'not now'. It took persistance but he came around. We shoot hoops, play soccer and hang out as if nothing was ever missed. I apologized to him a few weeks ago for missing so many of his games. He said it was okay, he knew I was working. I told him it wasn't okay, I should have tried harder. He again told me it was okay and not to worry about it now because it doesn't bother him. I told him that I try to be at everything now and he said, "I know, and you are". That made me feel a little better. He has also been more respectful with his sisters and mother. This is something we talked about. I'm happy to see him working on it.
Positives are happening all around me. Not so much in my R with W, but in all my other R's, good things are happening.
Still haven't reconciled fully with my father. That is a lot for me to work through at the moment. Working through the Field Manual for the Wild at Heart is really helping me get a handle on that and forgive him. His father died when he was 15. He raised himself in a lot of ways. My great-uncles tried to help out, but they were busy with their own families and work. After reading Wild at Heart and working now through the manual, I can see his wound and why he did the things he did to my mother, brother and myself. Someday I'll be able to work on that R, just not right now.
