I had a WONderful Mother's Day, I hope all you other great Moms did too!!
Had an interesting thing happen over the weekend. I looked through H's internet activity on his laptop to find that even though he told me the porn was not still going on...it is. It devastated me. I've found he can look straight at me and lie, which is never a good feeling. I spent all of Saturday being pretty upset. But I just let it linger inside me for a while, which is really new to me. Usually my hurt turns to anger immediately (which it still did), but then I usually let that anger control my reaction. Which I didn't do this time.
I confronted him calmly after the kids were in bed. Told him if I found it again, we were over. I told him he could continue to make his own choices, live his life in the way he sees fit. But if he continues the porn habit and continues lying and hiding it, he will continue it without me.
On a more positive note, I leave for Las Vegas tomorrow. Yey!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I think that was one of the most difficult things for me to deal with too...the fact that my H could/would lie to me, straight to my face as he would when it came to his online activities too. That was really disturbing. What was his response when you confronted him?
I'm glad though that you had a good Mother's Day, I did too :-)
His response....well, my first statement to him was "H, when I asked you if the porn, the pictures, the websites, the secret movies were still going on, you said no." He sat there for a minute and said 'Well, you didn't ask it exactly like that...' I said Yes I did. So, he first tried to make it sound like he didn't lie to me by making it sound like he answered a question that was different than the version I was now presenting. Which is crap. We didn't dwell on that. I know what I said that day and I know how he answered. He then tried to say it wasn't really up for discussion as far as he was concerned. I said 'Is that so?' He said 'I don't know what to tell ya'. I said 'No, if that's how you feel, then that's EXACTly what you need to tell me'. He then started talking a little, can't remember about what, but enough to indicate that he was backtracking on the 'not up for discussion' statement. He then tried to blame it on the fact that we haven't been 'reconciled' all that long. ie. I could still give him divorce papers any day. I told him that he was not commiting to the R. I confronted him on the two movies I found. '18 and ready to fukc'. Nice, huh? I told him that I am never going to be 18 again, so if that's what he's looking for perhaps I would be doing him a favor by cutting him loose. He didn't say anything. I told him I would appreciate it if he would dispose of the movies he had. If, in the future, he wanted to get a porn movie, that he should discuss it with me and we would do it together just like we used to. I also told him about another issue that was bothering me. The other night, I started out sleeping in 'our/his' bed because the remodeling contractor had a bunch of equipment in the computer room where I usually sleep on the nights H stays up late (othewise I sleep on the couch). When it was time for H to come to bed, he actually turned on the light in order to get me to get up and go out of 'his' bed. This really bothers me because I would think we've made enough progress by now where he should be feeling a LITTLE empathy for me and I feel like he should have just slept elsewhere since I was already sleeping. So, I addressed that with H and told him that he seemed to feel very entitled to our bed and that it is plain silly at this point to be doing this. He said 'It's vey important to me' and he referred to it as a 'defense mechanism'. I told him it was not conducive in any way to a new relationship. He said 'for all I know I could get divorce papers tomorrow'. I said 'I told you I would be here for another year and I will'.
I told him that was how I felt on the porn issue, there's no need to dicuss it further or to drag it out and that I'd like to drop it now and move on.
Last edited by heatherg; 05/14/0701:29 PM.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Oh, how I hated it when my H would try to say "that's not what you asked me". In his mind he would answer a question that was "technically truthful". Like if I asked him if he was looking at porn online, in his mind he'd think...well AFF isn't a "porn site",so his answer in his mind was technically truthful...even though he KNEW what I was talking about.
This thing about the porn issue and you sleeping in the bed...is now, at this point BS. He's using it as an excuse (not a defense mechanism) not to recommit. If you two are recommitted to trying to make your marriage work....then that means you BOTH need to recommit fully. No more sleeping apart, no more using porn to avoid you, you selling the truck...you know, BOTH of you committing fully to make things work.
His behavior of pushing you away has become a habit for him, and it's a habit he's going to have to break if he wants to save the marriage. You can only do so much to heal him from your infidelity...it's up to him to do his part in healing himself as well, and that will mean that at some point he will have to start behaving as your HUSBAND again, and not your roommate. It's tough for a betrayed person to do...but it is necessary.
I totally agree. We both need to recommit. And you know what they truly scary thing about that is? That I've known that for two years now but we're still here. My truck has not sold yet, I'm bummed because it's priced fairly. Edmunds has it appraised at $17,495 for my area and I've listed it at $17,000. I've gotten tons of calls, two visits but no one seems to want to pay $17k. Which is bad because it puts my loss even bigger. In the meantime, I've been paying $200 more a month in my payment than I have to in order to get the amount down to something more manageable all at once. I'm thinking about reducing the amount another $1k and if it sells, I'll just rent a compact car until I can pay off what's left on the lease and then I will buy another car. I'll start on that path when I get back from Vegas. I've been trying really hard not to focus on what H needs to do. I've surrendered completely, I really have, to the notion that his life is his to live. If he wants to be with me, he'll make the choices and changes himself. If he doesn't, I have my life to live. I've been successful with many of my efforts to change myself. I've been very into sex, ZERO rejection of him. I initiate often, talk more about it, etc. I've stepped up my interest level in many ways in an attempt to make him feel loved and cared for. I've started saying ILY again. Not often, but now and then. I've made an effort to say thanks for the things he does around the house, etc. I've controlled my tongue more than I ever thought I could/would. Still not perfect, but making measurable progress. I've drawn boundaries. Maybe not perfectly, but I still think they are loud and clear. When he was disrespectful on the phone, I hung up. Didn't carry a grudge about it, but absolutely did not tolerate it at the time it was happening. When I found the porn, I made it clear this was his last chance. It isn't about threats, etc. It's about living the life that's right for both of us. If that life isn't together, then we're wasting precious time. Let's either do it or get on with our lives elsewhere. I've also been really good with controlling my reactions to his moods, his provocations, etc. Giving him space, finding my own things to do, going on like nothing has happened.
I 100% agree that sleeping separately is BS. You have no idea how I've come to be able to see through his words...it is sooo obvious to me now when he is deflecting, making excuses, etc. I hear it, I see it. But I can't change it. He'll either make the changes or he won't. Time is ticking.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
So, did he let you sleep in the bed? And what about when the contractor moves the equipment?
I've said this before, but it bears repeating: It's not his bed. It's not your (singular) bed. It's your (plural) bed. Same with the bedROOM, unless you're a tenant.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Yes, he let me sleep in the bed until it was time for him to come to bed. Then he turned the lights on so that I would leave the bed so that he could sleep in it. Make no mistake, whatever you and I think is just what we think. It's his bed.
So....I'm in Vegas. The night before I leave, H gets very jealous because I stopped at my day spa to pick up the rest of the products in the new skin care line I'm trying as well as some new makeup. He was jealous b/c he felt like I was getting the new makeup for the trip. I told him I would leave the makeup at home if he wanted, it had nothing to do with my trip, it's just me having to do things 'right now'. Gave me a pretty hard time for about 2-3 hours but then lightened up. Before I went to bed, he asked me to sit on his lap and he said 'no nightclubs'. We had a longer chat about whether or not he should still check ticket prices (me-um, yes!) and he reiterated his feelings about my sister controlling things, etc. I went to bed, all was well. The next morning, Tuesday, I checked to see if he had disposed of the movies I asked him to dispose of Saturday night. Surprise. They were still in his laptop case. So, I went in the bedroom where he was sleeping and said 'were you serious when you said no nightclubs?' He said 'Well, there's other things you can do in Vegas isn't there?' I said 'sure. But I noticed you still haven't complied with the request I made of you. Did you decide not to throw your porn movies away or have you just not gotten around to it yet?' He ignored me, so repeated the question. That's when everything went way downhill. He said 'It's not up for discussion.' WTF????!!!! OMG. It's not up for discussion?? You've got to be fing kidding me? His alarm clock went off at about that time and I ripped the clock out of the wall. I swear the corners of his mouth turned up, like he was thoroughly amused by me. I was absolutely, positively irate and I did not do a good job at containing it although I didn't do anything more than what I've posted here. Ripped the clock cord out of the wall and said 'you've got to be fing kidding me?!'. But that was enough, especially in light of the fact that I'm trying to work on containing myself. I told him I would appreciate it if he didn't get his sexual gratification outside of our M vows. He said 'who says I am?' Now, mind you, I know he is because I have the sreenshots....it's play, pause, play, pause, ffw 20x, play, pause, ffw 20x. I'm not stupid. He's playing games with me.
I told him we were over and he made a smug remark about the first sign of trouble and I'm running again. I told him it was not the first sign of trouble that I told him two days ago exactly what was on the line and I'd been telling him all along, but he didn't want to listen.
Guys.....18 and ready to fukc? I'm not ok with this. I'm not. In the past, I've let him pin the blame on me and say that his porn habit was because I rejected him too much. I've not rejected him once since we've reconciled, I've initiated, I've made it clear he's attractive to me..I've even said, acknowledged, that perhaps it was my fault because I wasn't fulfilling his needs and that I needed to step up. But I've done that and now he has movies? I think my H has an addictive personality and I think he's attracted to teenagers/young/youthful girls moreso than the average guy. But what do I know about the average guy? I've been with H since I was 17? Part of me wants to say I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. But that's the part of me that wants to smooth it over, put my feelings on the back burner so that everything can be ok and I won't have to spend my life without the love of my life or my kids 1/2 the time. The me that acknowledges that this is not ok, the porn, the lying, the saying that this is not up for discussion....in a M EVERYthing is supposed to be up for discussion...you can't just say that!! That me know's I've got to cut him loose so that he can reassess, reorganize his priorities. I'm emailing him tonight to request that he rethink his answer because I agreed to work on things for another year. But telling me that this issue is 'not up for discussion' is not working on things. It's avoiding and it's not commitment. The very thing that he chastises me for and makes me sleep on the couch for......he's doing it. I'm here, I'm ready to make it work, whatever it takes. He's still not.
I'm here in Vegas, surrounded by a million people, so much going on. You wanna know how I feel? Lonely, incredibly, insatiably sad. You wanna know what I focus on? All the pictures of half naked women. This ordeal has affected me sooo much. I look in the mirror and I like what I see, usually I'm pretty ok with it. But this all, has taken me for a ride and my self esteem doesn't cut it. I know my H has lied to me. About how many things, I'll never know because he'll never tell me. Sometimes I feel like I'll never allow myself to be happy. I'll just keep picking things to fight about until my life is in shambles.
Somebody please tell me I'm not crazy.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Here's the email I sent to H. I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted.
H, The only way I have to describe to you how I feel is to tell you that you’ve broken my heart. I’m here in Vegas, I’m surrounded by a million people, so much going on. But my mind is preoccupied, I’m insatiably sad. Half naked women on billboards remind me how much you’d like it here. Tears seem to fall with no warning. I wanted to give things between us another year, another year for us to reassess and work on our problems and then we could see where we stood. I thought we were on our way! I thought we were on the right path and I have been happier than I can remember feeling in years. But you’ve hurt me. And you’ve lied to me. And now you want to tell me that it’s not up for discussion. When two people are in a marriage, there is no such luxury as ‘not up for discussion’. What you are doing is wrong. The movies, internet, pictures, the lying and hiding. What good is another year if we are not giving it our all? I know that I cannot be a wife in the long term to somebody who has shown such disregard for my feelings and who has disrespected me in such a deep way. By not getting rid of those movies and telling me that what you do is none of my business, you are not committing to this effort. I love you and I want to be with you. I am willing to give this everything I have. Everything. Are you?
Heather
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Thats just the feeling that comes when you try to naviagate your way without the truth to fix your compass by.
It was only ever your job to work on you. I think you have and are doing an outstanding job. Your recent posts speak volumes.
Dont let anyone require more of you then then they require of themself. Whatever you choose, You can not fix anyone else. You can only accept and choose your actions based on that acceptance.
