Piecing, 2 steps forward, one back, or more?

[25yearsmlc]

Hi All,

Having a wacky negative weekend. Not as a Mom, b/c the girls are so fun and hilarious and my son called, so in short, I do feel loved as a mom. Yesterday a duck was in the pool and when I went to chase her out of the pool (ducks don't get out of the water to go pee, they just do it in my pool, which I don't like...)

I noticed little "leaves" moving and realized they were 10 little ducklings. The little guys couldn't climb out of the pool (wth was the mom duck's "plan" anyhow?) So the girls and other kids and I did a time consuming rescue/transfer. Mission accomplished. I filmed it all. I love times like that.

Went to the theater last night and watched 7 of my acting students (I"m an acting coach/director in my "free time"). "My" acting students were really shining in the show. I felt so welcome, and "in my world". I am really good at this, sorry to brag. And it is MORE rewarding than 90% of my legal work ever was....sorry to say.

How'd I miss this career option when I was young? I mean, of ALL the choices I've made in life, Not choosing drama b/c it wasn't "noble" enough, and instead going into law, has to be the oddest choice I've made. Anyhow, last night I was riding high, but started to feel sad on my way home. When I got home and h called, he began talking about getting his "bow and arrow hunting certification"....I felt kind of panicky. Like I'm losing my world and re-entering his world and I don't want to do it. I mean, I know I don't WANT to do this....

So now You guys are thinking, "J, Grow up! You said you'd go so shut up about it already!", right? Thing is, right now I feel so emotional and if I say anything to H, I guess he feels responsible (ummm, duh....) so he doesn't really want to hear more than a sentence or two. He is really excited about us going there and I believe him when he confesses his loneliness/depression at the thought of us Not joining him..

When he is with our kids, he really does interact with them. Always did. He'd get on the floor and play dolls with the girls when they were little. (Of course, now days it's really just him and d9 as the older kids are...well, older, and do not admire him the way they once did. I THINK they see him as someone they have little in common with. S20 is studying drama/film at NYU and d18's declared major is theater too. No one is pre-Med).

So now, when I express doubt/fear about going up there, then HE panics that we're not coming and gets angry at me for changing my mind. WTH?? Can't he just suck it up for me half the time I've sucked it up for HIM??? Says he already apologized....which is true. I believe He was sincerely sorry for hurting me, but then, doesn't want to go into it for long or too much. Maybe it's a guy thing...

I wonder if I were to get a job teaching acting up there, for $30k, how excited he'd be about me moving there, instead of the 6 figure job the heroes offered me. BTW, although that job WILL look good on my legal resume, it bores the crap out of me, honestly. A million dollars would be nice, but even that amount wouldn't make it interesting. I am not kidding. Yesterday I was sent a 40 page long "brief" on getting a regulatory ruling changed and the financing documented....etc, blah blah blah blah!!!!!!!...and oh, btw, it's due tomorrow....

BA, you're a L too, are you out there? Do I have to go back to criminal law to find drama or meaning in my law career? Christ, I DID criminal law before med mal, and that was a bit TOO MUCH drama, AND gross, and they were mostly really really guilty...doesn't improve much prosecuting b/c you're still dealing with horrible things and I got.tired of being in conflicts of others all the time, for a job. Enough in my own life....

Here is another fear. My own MLC. I actually have days, and sometimes hours in the same days, that I think I should just file for D asap, stay here and move on with my life. Like I don't feel anger at H, just no love. Other times I AM angry at him, of course. But more often lately, just kind of indifferent b/c we are now soooo different.....I mean, who am I now? And who is HE?

"Bow and arrow" hunting....AGAIN!?!? I'm tired of the macho life we ALL had to take up as OUR hobbies when we were there. Yep, I shoot and fish and hike and it appealed to the "tomboy" in my b/c I have 5 brothers and so, it was fine with me for a part of my life. But just a part, okay? So many of the men up there are into the whole "manly men" thing and at this point in my life, for MY LIFE, I prefer writing plays, exploring the human condition, helping young people learn to empathize and express in a way only an actor can..... H didn't take acting classes, or my hobbies, or whatever.

After feeling this way for a morning, or day, Two hours later I'll hear a song of "ours" and feel romantic and lonely for him. wth?? I know our being so far apart is so stressful and makes everything harder...sometimes just getting a hug I know would help. Maybe I should call him and say, "screw the expense, fly down sooner"...???

Other times I think, "No, I want to sit here on the beach and look at the happy people who are in the sunshine and NEVER leave here....I know I belong here. Is this rational? AM I in my own MLC? Is this the "real" me and the plan of going up there is just caving in? Will this pass? Am I just freaking out b/c of the pending losses and stresses (d18 going off to college makes me sad and I KNOW that is just the way life is)....


Thanks for listening and letting me vent guys. Nothing is irrevocable. But life is passing and tomorrow is promised to no one. My bil is dying of a brain tumor and how do any of us know that our spouses will be there for us ever? Maybe we'll spend so much TIME in pain, trying to be the best spouses we can be, only to find that our time is so much more limited than we realized...and I've wasted a lot of mine trying to please others....my career was NOT done for myself. It was fulfilling
other's expectations and I bought into it.

Like I said, thanks for letting me vent here, Input welcome as usual.
j-