Need another opinion, is my W OM, friend or more?

[runningoutoftime]

I don't think it's being a push-over to want to stay with your kids and keep your family together. I think it takes enormous strength and selflessness. And a spouse who gets involved in an affair usually ends up coming out of it looking and feeling like a selfish fool.

If you want to raise your own children don't hit that ultimatum button. I always believe it's better to allow the spouse to do that. Let them be the one responsible for dissolving the family. I personally prefer having no regrets. It's a good feeling.

As far as Andy's sitch as "deteriorating" I don't see it there yet... He's detaching wonderfully and his wife seems to be testing.... .But, one thing I've learned is that sometimes a relationship does have to hit rock bottom before it can be rebuilt again. (Not that you want to force it there!!! Sometimes that momentum doesn't stop).

[andyv]

Scout,

Mate, you sound like you are doing a good job also. Just hang in there, you know how women are.

Not meaning to cause any offence to women, but they are really quite indecisive at the best of times.

Can you imagine how indecisive they can be going through MLC.........scary.

I hope for both our sakes that the novelty will wear off with these youngens.

P.S Men can be indecisive also, I hope I have not offended too many women on this board.

[andyv]

ROOT,

I am soooo not looking forward to hitting rock bottom.

I was hoping that I have passed it somewhere along the journey, but I understand what you mean.

I will be fastening my seat belt now

[runningoutoftime]

Hey Andy,

You haven't offended me about your comment on indeciveness. I think it's true. I know I can be terribly indecisive at times.

Hopefully you won't have to hit rock bottom, but try to keep in mind going there isn't always a bad thing. Yes, it can be very VERY painful... but in the long run, it can be a great learning, strengthening, and growing experience.

Hang in there!

[andyv]

Funny thing happened today.

W got angry and left two angry phone messages and I had 6 missed calls.

I was at work, and being a thursday, I normally go out with friends or family and get home late (W has Mon/Tue/Wed and Sat nights, I get Thu and Fri).

Last Thur and Fri nights I slept at my sisters house (W did not know were I slept, and did not ask). Last Fri she left a message saying that DD was worried about me, and if I could call her to let her know everything was alright (DD goes to sleep before I get home and I leave for work before she gets up, unless she worries in her sleep, I don't think so).

Well today being a Thu, she wanted me to pick up DD from school (W knows this is the night I go out), I txt her that I couldn't, as I was staying in the city tonight.

My phone was on silent whilst at work, and when I left I noticed two messages and 6 missed calls.

It was W asking if I was coming home or "staying out all night like last week". Next message after 3 minutes got angrier with "I don't give a s**t if you don't want to talk to me, but at least tell DD that you wont be home tonight".

I txt her that my phone was on silent, hence the missed calls and yes I was planning on spending the night at a friends near work.

She sent me a txt back "Thank you for your response."

Then an hour later she left another message about a bill, which could waited till tomorrow.

I had a nice dinner with my sister and now am at her place relaxing, whilst W can stew like I have had to with her night owl activities for the past several months.

Does anyone think I may be pushing it a bit, it's not as if I am doing anything wrong. She is the one having EA, going to OM place, staying there till 3 am, going out till 5 am etc.

[Dr LOve]

Andyv


No I don't thinks so. But I am no expert. My W has had the affair. We are working on our relation ship but.... I have "played" with her mind alittle. When I am with her I acted like my cell was on silent, picked it up and looked at it and then went outside and pretended to talk to someone in her view.
I'm thinking about telling her soon that I want to go to our time share "ALONE TO THINK" for the weekend. Like she told me she was going to do when she had the affair. I will really be alone with a good movie, but she does not know that. I think sometimes you have to add a little mystery in your life for your wife.

[andyv]

Husband,

It feels good to hear her get jealous again after so many months.

When she dropped the bomb, she did not care what I did or where I went (because I was an emotional wreck at home all the time). She encouraged me to go find someone, go out and have sex etc

Now that I am out and about, she's starting to get that jealous streak back, which is what I loved about her, fiercly protective.

Well I hope it is, I tend to overanalyze everything.

[runningoutoftime]

As long as she's with OM doing the same thing I don't think you're overdoing it. You are GALing and that's exactly what you need to do. It does seem to be making you feel better and it gets you out of staying at home, dejected and feeling sorry for yourself.

You are doing exactly what I wish I would have done earlier in my husband's "yo-yoing" in the marriage. It wasn't until I did the same thing as you are describing that my husband had to consider what he could lose.

This type of thing may not be appropriate in all situations, but basically you have to look at where things are and gauge what seems to work, what doesn't and then go with what seems to work. Andy, you seem to be getting your wife's attention and that seems good at this time. Make sure when she sees you you're acting like you think you are the sexiest, hunkiest guy on the planet... hot clothes, shirt unbuttoned (LOL!!!!). Then, while doing this, continue to be nice, friendly, HAPPY and you might even try throwing your wife a compliment here or there or even being a bit flirtatious. Say something sexy to her (she'll think your're practicing up for meething other women!!!! Hee hee!!!) See what she does with that!!!

[andyv]

Man, major backsliding today.

Things were going well, GALing, spent Thur night at my sisters house, came back on Sat morning (W looks after daughter on Thu and Fri nights, I look after DD on Mon, Tue, Wed and Sat nights).

This morning when I was getting DD ready for soccer (W only lasted two games and cant be bothered going to watch DD), DD told me that mummy told her last night that our M was over and we were getting a divorce.

This made me upset and I woke up W and confronted her about discussing things with DD (seeing we have only been separated a few months (however W backdated it to Oct 06). I told her that she should not be discussing the issue so early as we still had 6 months left before D (she still hasn't given me a date).

W started talking about selling house, trading in car for smaller one, looking at buying a unit in area after sale etc etc. I have a feeling that this had something to do with me GALing, and spending nights away from home.

I then backslid and confronted her about OM, demanding the truth (how advanced was relationship, what had they done, sex, etc etc).

She kept denying it and stuck to the "just friends". She told me that he knew where she stood on a R and that they had not discussed it, just liked hanging out together etc.

Got nasty, me telling her to go out and not come home, stay with him, may as well do it now, why wait six months etc etc etc. All I wanted was the truth so I could have some sort of closure. She said she would not come home, fine!

She got angry, said she had enough of my accusations, I haven't changed etc was going to find a place to move out on Mon, and take DD etc.

Brought up things, eg, my family never wanted us to marry (even though they always treated her well), I was secretive (nature of my job), controlling, etc. Never made an effort to attend her family's functions, not intimate enough, not committed to family...............which is all untrue.

She was so angry, biting her nails and tapping her foot, and would not look me in the eyes.

I managed to calm things down tonight, before she went out, and told her that I wouldn't discuss her private life again. She calmed down.

She got all dressed up, looking great and has gone out (over to OM house).

What have I done....I was doing so well and got sucked back into her MLC world.

[andyv]

Well the hits keep coming.

Mothers day today. I had planned to make my W a mothers day dinner (and she was to invite her best friend, something she agreed with). We are separated however it does not change the way I am, and she has told me that she really does want to be friends, hence my goodwill.

Went to see my sister, had a round of golf and then got a call from W giving me a list of things to buy from the supermarket. Ok thats fine, get it on the way home.

I get home at 7 pm to start dinner, W is not here, DD is not here, no phone calls cancelling dinner, nothing.

Pretty inconsiderate seeing it was agreed on.

If they say that they "still care for you but don't love you", why do they treat you like sh*t when you are GALing, detached and giving them space.