Well, here's how today went. Came over and picked up our son to go shopping for Mother's day presents. Came home two hours later and was frustrated. He's not a shopper and has never been good at buying gifts for me. Stresses him out huge. Anyway, I received a present from my son but he said he couldn't find anything, so nothing from him. Had some conversation--laughed a little. I flirted a little--even though it's been a loonnng time! Didn't seem to cause any reaction. He ate something and then got ready to leave.
I had to talk to him about the property taxes due on Tuesday. Our divorce agreement was that he pays for 1/2 the house payment, taxes and insurance for 5 years and then we would sell and split the proceeds. Since our divorce is only a couple of months old, I needed another $400 from him for the taxes. Now, we had a joint checking account before we split up. He said he would just pay the tax bill since "when I move back, it would be nice if we could go back to a joint checking account." Meaning that if he pays for most of it now, it doesn't matter really since his money and ours will be in one account eventually anyway. Okay--I get that. We really didn't settle anything though--I offered to just pay it and he could pay me the $400 later since he didn't have his checkbook. I think that's where we left it.
Now, this is what I don't get. When he was leaving, I walked out with him to get the mail. He put his can of pop in the car and then climbed in, put his seat belt on and started it. He rolled down the window to say goodbye. I looked at him and said goodbye. We just stared at each other a minute and then he stuck his head out with the expression, "like okay, fine, I'll give you a kiss" I said as I leaned in to kiss him, "you don't have to give me a kiss." That was it--he left saying I'll call tomorrow. Now what I don't understand is why would he want to move back here with me if he doesn't even want to hug or kiss me. Originally, he was supposed to be in C for 8 weeks (never heard of a time limit before, but that's what he was told) and then move back after that. It's been 4 weeks--am I supposed to think that he is going to move here after 4 weeks if he doesn't even want any physical contact.
The funny thing is that I'm not really upset by it. I had a kind of epiphany last night after I read both of your replies to me. I can't control his actions, but I can control my reactions and I refuse to let his actions upset me. I decided that I can be happy with or without him. Life is too short to be miserable. I am not going to try to figure everything out and I will look at the whole picture.
What I think I need to do is not be available for awhile. I really never call him and I've not always been here when he's come over, but I think I've made my feelings known that I want him again and I've been waiting for him to take me in his arms and scoop me up. Probably not a good thing.
Jeff--I like your idea about the IOU, but I think I'll put it off for awhile. Thanks for the encouragement and support. I'm not feeling too positive right now, but it really is okay.
Strongenough--Thank you too for your encouragement. After I read your posting and thought about what I said about pain, that's when I realized I don't have to experience that pain anymore. Detachment is hard but I think I finally get it now.
Rather depressing day, but I'm not going to be depressed about it. I can choose not to be. Thanks again for all your help. I'll look forward to hearing from you both soon. Take care.
