If you the man, the scriptural head of the household, the biological protector, and the emotional tuning fork dont know what you want or even that you want her, let alone what decision to make, then to paraphrase David Deida, what the heck does she 'need' you for?
Exactly. I do not need my H for anything - he does not provide anything - except for the paycheck he works so hard for. But like I said on Crazy Eddie's thread I'd get that if we D anyhow. Tonight another prime example - he was working all day even though it's Saturday, moving chairs and setting up servers and such in his new office. He came home, ate, went upstairs to say goodnight to the kids and then didn't come back down - just went to bed. I can appreciate he is whacked out - but a simple "honey, I'm bushed I'm having an early night" and kiss would not have gone amiss.
As for Nop's jaw-breaking line: I didn't see that as macho BS I saw that as intended as pre-emptive. It is as Mojo would put it pissing a circle around the W and that makes HER feel protected and cherished. If my H said something like that to me it would make my heart skip a beat even though I know IRL he would no sooner break someone's jaw than rob a bank.
A line my mother taught me and I have used it to good effect in both my LTRs is "if you were ever to lay a finger on me in anger you'd never see me again". Said it to both of them in the early stages of the R before such things would ever seem imaginable. It's a boundary and it works. I later found out that the exBF did hit the OW (she'd been hit before in other R's).
People beat up on each other in their own houses and yet they can get frustrated and angry in the workplace and never a suspicion of violence. They maintain control. Despite denial of being able to do so at home.
You just need to say these things sometimes to make it clear to other people where the boundaries are. And make it clear that they have responsibility for their own actions.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
