\:\) I sit here and I wonder why in the world did I have to go thru H*ll to get here? I still get sad once in awhile , and I still doubt myself once in awhile and I still use chocolate cake once in awhile to soothe myself...
But all in all I am doing sooooooooooooooo much better this year than I was last year at this time. I am making myself into the person I always should have been but kept under wraps. My insecurities still show thru every now and again but I am making advances in that part as well. I have tried to stop hiding behind myself and really just be who I am and not think so hard and for the most part it has been good. Occasionally my H will make me feel like I am an idiot but all in all I am much stronger.
Take for instance awhile ago when I went to see my H .. he wanted me to COLD CALL a Parachiol ( sp ) School and ask if they had already had an estimate. Hey sure I can do that in a heartbeat but not in front of the hubby,,, SO.

I said to him I will to call but not in front of you cause then I cannot speak when I know you are listenening... ( SHEESH)
He then asks "well ok that is fine but what are you going to say?"
To which I reply... " I dunno but when I say it it will be good I am very professional you know."

THAT FOR ME IS A MAJOR STEP .. I am usually very quiet and let him/ allow him to make me feel dumb,, even though I know and he knows I am very intelligent. Not anymore and it sure helps that I DO NOT FEEL LIKE I AM SCARED HE IS GOING TO LEAVE AGAIN. It helps me to love and be me from a place where I feel safe to be me and that he will not bolt everytime he doesn't get his way.
I really believe that in finding myself and staying firm in myself and my beliefs.That alone helped our M so much. He needed for me to stand my ground and not give in to his every damn whim,, but not in an angry , confrontational kind of way. In a different way ....
I guess it is hard for me to explain how different I ambut I can say that I followed the motto in my seperation and reconciliation that if it wan't going to get me closer to my goal then do not do it or say it. There were days when I was so uncomfortable and trying to adjust to this new way of interacting and letting go of alot of control but as time has gone by I know that this is a much better way of living.

I now feel like I live by the motto ~ put my husband before myself ~ and not in a way that means " HEY BUDDY I AM YOUR PERSONAL DOORMAT!!$%#~"
But in a way that is pleasing to him and to me and most importantly to GOD. I used to be so afraid to let go. I lived waiting for him to let me down like eveyone else in my life had and pretty much fulfilled that prophecy for myself. I know it is harsh to believe but I did teach him how to treat me and it was not in a very nice respectful way and Thank GOD those days are gone.
I do feel so much more alive now and I have actually been off of my anxiety meds for awhile now and I must say I on my own feel very Happy. I am really proud of the hard work I have done on myself and I must say That I continue to feel more comfortable with him and myself too.

We have been together for almost 11 years now and it seems as if we are getting to finally understand one another and it helps so much that he actually explains things more and listens to me more also.
It is still a work in progress but I wouldn't trade it for anything else... even after al the tears and all the pain. I maintained myself and my integrity and in the ENd received the greatest gift of all MYSELF, STRENGTH AND NEW SELF ESTEEM and a husband who loves me VERY MUCH.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER TO BLAME HIM FOR X, Y OR Z......
CAUSE sure he did %&&* and ^*&*(*( and *&*)) but it was so much better to look and the mirror and change me. Harder but better... the reward has been great.
Will post more later ... My life is filled with blessings and has been for years I just had my eyes closed.
God bless...