Things are pretty volatile right now. It seems that everything out of my mouth is perceived as controlling or manipulative. W says that is one of the big issues. No matter how much I change, her feelings haven't changed, the damage is done, too little too late because she still hears/feels things the same way.

How frustrating.

This morning I'm up and running trying to get everyone out the door to D9 & D11 softball games. Its hot and usually at the park its even hotter due to no shade or breeze. I'm looking in my closet for summer stuff, can't find anything. I say to W, I have to clean my closet out, I know I have summer stuff in there its just buried, wearing jeans and a long sleeve polo is going to suck today. W says, it can wait a few more days or weeks can't it? No, its hot and getting hotter, I need my summer stuff. W says well we have a lot to do today besides the running around, to get the house ready for tomorrows dinner. I'm like, okay, I'm thinking I still need some shorts and a lighter shirt.

Then she says, quit trying to scare me, you're just trying to mess with me again and I'm not scared. I just stood there. I asked, (stupidly because I'm still thinking,'I just want shorts and a light shirt since I will be standing outside in 90 degree weather in a dust bowl for the next 4 hours), what are you talking about?

"W said you're just trying to scare me with this moving out crap. It's just more mind games from you, trying to scare me, you know I'm not ready for you to move out yet, I don't have a job, I'm scared I can't keep the house and will have to uproot the kids...., I'm going to look like the bad guy because this is what I want. You're just trying to rush moving out and separating so I get scared".

Then she goes on a rant about how the kids will be okay, one day they will know the whole story about how bad I was to her and then they will be okay with it. How I can give her stats all day about kids not being okay, but it's not 100%, so some kids, maybe even a lot of kids are okay. That she doesn't owe me effort. She doesn't have to try, she has tried for a long time and on and on it went. How numb she is inside. How she doesn't trust me with her emotions, and won't ever. How she can't imagine another minute here, let alone 6 months or a year or whatever time it would take for her to change how she feels.

So I figured, what the hell, lots of folks on here recommend the, "I'm scared too" response so I gave her my honest I'm scared too.

I told her, I'm scared to death of this. I'm scared of missing one moment in the life of my kids. I'm scared to death of what this will do to them, of what they will think of me. And believe it or not, I'm scared of how much it will hurt to miss you. I'm scared of how much its going to hurt to miss all of this, to lose everything. I'm not scared about the money. I've been poor before, big deal. I'm scared of how hard it will be to rebuild. You're scared of losing the house? I'm scared of losing everything because everything is in my name, my credit will be shot and I will have nothing to fall back on as I raided my retirement fund to fix our finances over the last year.

Looking back, the only thing I regret saying was the part about being scared of the pain from losing her. Her response to that was, "I'm sure that won't last long".


I don't know. I wish there were a counsel of WAS's we could consult. \:D Only not as creepy as the one in the movie 300, or at the top of a mountain. Maybe more like a drive-up WAS advice window or something. Although the thought of a naked nymph floating around while we hash this out sounds pretty cool right about now....

Funny thing. I was watching a HBO special about Evangelicals in the USA. There was a segment about a drive-up prayer partner window somewhere in Virginia. You drive-up, like at the bank, she asks what you need prayer for, and a-praying you go.

Ain't life cool sometimes.