I do not know much about your FOO because I have never seen you nor MrsNop ever mention it. But my statement is based solely on what I see in your comments and your reactions. There is a link to FOO in that I say your tactics are fear based… but that link is such a consistent pattern in relationships and human behavior, there ought to be a “law of relationships.”
My comments weren’t meant to condemn your relationship, but I do think they are an accurate depiction of what we see on the board. MrsNop is the one who stated she will jump to your defense whenever someone “attacks” you, so I didn’t even have to make an observation on that point. As you have in the past, you are now doing the same in jumping to her defense.
For you, putting forth the idea of breaking someone’s jaw because of something that started between you and your W seems to work. I do not think it will work for many others. Defending your rationale as the result of years of training to kill people does not make sense either. You preach constraint, planning, control, rationality, dealing with the hard facts, strategizing a solution… but to say that you may not be able to control yourself and that just breaking someone’s jaw is just your way is simply absurd. I’ve called many people out on their deflections, and this is just another deflection by you. I can understand you not wanting to debate it. Most people don’t like being called out.
I don't treat my wife without respect.
How can this be, if you have so little concern for your W that you are ready to throw her out at the first indiscretion (or would it be the first)? Corri was right at the core of the issue, which is that same message you preach, that if a woman wanders, it is 50% the man’s fault. How does this square with the advice you are now giving?
It’s not that I care how you conduct your marriage, but those types of comments can lead others to some dangerous ideas. There is value in your methods, but to best use that knowledge, a person NEEDS to know why and when those methods work and when they don’t. Isn’t that the purpose of this board? So what is wrong with me referencing your sitch?
I just don't bother to read most of your posts. I suggest that the same is a good tactic for you.
Your choice, but your could learn something every now and then….
Do you really think asking my W what she would want me to say or do is attractive, assertive behavior? Maybe I'm missing the whole point here, but that seems to fly in the face of everything else I've heard about it, and seems to be contradictory to how you have been handling your own M.
Where was it ever stated that assertiveness should exclude feedback? Your wife told you some time ago that she did not like you super-alpha, assertive behavior. So you toned it down. You adapted to what she wants from you. That does not mean you can’t be assertive in a way that is attractive to her. I don’t know exactly what she might find attractive assertiveness, but maybe it is along the lines of putting your emotions and feelings out there first, so she will feel safe to do likewise. That might be assertiveness to her. That might be her definition of alpha. It means fine-tuning the definition of what her love language is, and that requires feedback.
There is another camp of relationship ideas that is in opposition to this alpha theme. Gottman and others preach that a woman should feel she has influence over her man. To me this makes sense with what Dieda says. If the woman’s focus is the relationship, then she would want to now she has an impact on her man. For the man to listen to her feedback seems consistent with that. With that information, with remaining sensitive to her needs, the man can then act in the “appropriate” alpha way. At least that's how I see it.
I wonder if you would mind if I were to ask you a difficult question about your relationship with your boyfriend? It is one that I have pondered for some time now, and it comes from a situation that existed between my father and his second wife before his death.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Cobra, I won't comment on most of the rest of your post, other than I think it was off the mark.
Quote:" but to say that you may not be able to control yourself and that just breaking someone’s jaw is just your way is simply absurd. I’ve called many people out on their deflections, and this is just another deflection by you. I can understand you not wanting to debate it. Most people don’t like being called out. "
Again, an assumption on your part. The fact here, is simply that I know my limitations. I am constrained and rational. Part of that includes understanding my baser -demonstrated- emotions, especially the ones that can take on physical form. You more than anyone else here should understand that concept.
In any case, what I would really like to hear about is your wife's take on your relationship with her, and your kids.
Is there any chance of her coming here to post?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
After my mother had left my father very damaged from all of her affairs and they eventually divorced (he became an alcoholic after the divorce), he met a woman basically on a rebound. They eventually married. They got along well, but I don't believe that he ever loved her, more of a convenience relationship. He was never really happy after the divorce, and he died pretty suddenly a couple of years later, and I never was able to understand their relationship from his point of view.
Taking away all of the philosophical arguments and maxims, I was wondering what the real "glue" is that keeps you and your boyfriend together. As I understand it right now, you aren't particularly happy, and he doesn't meet your sexual needs. It appears that you derive some pleasure out of the relationship with the amount of care you have been able to provide him. So what makes it "tick" for you.
Thanks for your time.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
In any case, what I would really like to hear about is your wife's take on your relationship with her, and your kids.
Is there any chance of her coming here to post?
She thinks I totally distort everything about our M, that I only tell one side of the story, that I villanize her, etc, etc. I've told her plenty of times to post her side here, that there are plenty of people who would love to take a jab a me. So far she won't do it. Maybe there's a reason why....
I've given this question a LOT of thought over the last almost five years-- a L-O-T of thought. I'll start a new thread and answer it a bit later today. It'a a very good question, a key question for me. I have a feeling my answer may not apply to your dad's sitch.
