I do think it depends in part on the other person. Those destructive thoughts that can arise in one person may not arise in another. So I think intimidation can work at times, and backfire at other times. I think this where you need to pull your wife into the mix. If you want to know how she would respond, then ask her.
Stop trying to guess what is best for her, for in trying to do too much for her, even though it is out of your true concern for her, you end up controlling her, you detract from her ability to carve out her own growth, and set yourself up for disappointment if she does not return the same concern for you, or at least in the way you would like to see it.
IMO, there is no “right” answer to your question. You don’t have to guess what is the right thing to say to your W, you can ask her what she would like you to say. Getting her input is half of the bonding process. I still think you need to DRAG her into counseling. Just you going alone is working on this marriage with one hand tied behind your back. If you can get her there, and talk about these kinds of things, you might find out she would love for you to be super macho…. or not.
