18 mos and counting...

[MonicaP]

I finally went to the Family Court last week to get their free legal help. I've completed all of the paperwork I need for filing for legal sep and child custody/support. The lawyer was very helpful, but she encouraged divorce. She said the paperwork later to re-file for D would be a pain, but I told her that I was willing to go through it because - on principle - I want to know that I have done absolutely everything to avoid D. H can opt to reject LS and choose D, but that will be HIS decision, not mine. I guess I'm pushing the envelope here, but it's been 18 mos and I need to move forward. I'm filing for joint legal custody and full physical custody w/ visitation. I put in a declaration that I am satisfied with our current arrangement but want to also expand visitation in the future. I really don't see H capable of much more right now. I've offered overnights and he has - so far - come up with some excuse as to why he can't.

Next week I will drop off the packet with the court clerk and go from there. I'm anxious about the whole thing. This past week has been really tough. It's just another step toward "the end" and that's really sad. But I need the closure too. I especially need the legal paramaters for child custody & support.

I guess this is the Last Resort.

When I was filling out the paperwork I was in shock, almost going along like a robot - just taking care of business. But later, at home, I was putting the packet together with some other stuff and it just hit me. Wow, this is real. 7 years ago we were standing there telling each other we would love each other forever and I was the happiest woman on earth. We actually had 3 wedding ceremonies (long story) and I truly believed we would never break up.

I remember thanking God so much for bringing H into my life - my one true love. I thought I was so blessed. Was I? I don't know anymore. Obviously our S4 is the blessing, but what about my M? Was that all BS?

That's the tough part. Justifying my M. Was it real? Was our love real? Did he really mean any of the things he claimed throughout our years together? Or was it all an act that he wasn't even aware of? He's so different now. He's so cold and indifferent. He's got a new life w/ Ow and seems to have put our M behind him without a blink.

It hurts so much. I know life will keep moving forward and I will try to move with it, but I sure hope the pain of this loss will lessen soon! I'm exhausted by it.

H will be with S4 tomorrow on Mother's Day. I requested that he spend the day with S on his own (w/ out Ow). I told him I would appreciate that immeasurably. No reponse so far. Gotta let it go.

Thanks for listening.