M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
KML, just so you know, I loved your post and will respond this weekend. Appreciate the time you took and the analysis. It's on target a lot. H's hero made the job offer official last night and it's not a bad one at all. With d18 entering college this fall, the bills will be high as she and s21 overlap in college for this one year....
IF I wanted to focus on my law career the job would be great and regardless, it'll help me re-enter the job market IF things do NOT work out...more on that later, b/c there's a down side there too...
thanks again j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey -- IMHO, if you can move to Alaska, you can always move back, right?
It's a choice that all of us here on the forum make every day to stand for our M's and do the DB'ing thing. It amazes me how prevelent all of this is -- which is obvious by how many of us are here, right?
Anyway, I personally think you are doing the right thing. What if you DIDN'T go? You would always wonder WHAT IF. And that would suck. I think it is so worth it to go and see . . .
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I don't know how I'll get through it without doing some form of comedy, writing or stand up. BTW, THE Alaskans are a tough crowd. ("If you can do Nome, you can do anywhere"....) Talk about depression/alcoholism, since I don't do "dick jokes" I have to work really hard to get them to loosen up. I feel like they're waiting for me to start taking my clothes off and it's minutes before they realize, "Oh, she's going to be funny, not naked...we'll have to LISTEN to her words...and THINK..." ((This is Not just in Alaska, it's anywhere the drunkeness is just out of control. After 2-3 drinks, most people can't follow a joke more than 2 lines long...(sigh) ah the troubles of the entertainment world))).
I remember some idiot up there at a social gathering, told me in front of everyone, (while stroking his hairy chin, with its' pseudo-Freud beard), "You use humor as a coping mechanism...." BRILLIANT!!!! OMG, HOW'D YOU KNOW??!!! Instead, I said, "well, beating up old people just wasn't doing it for me anymore..." Sheesh!! He wasn't much of a laugher...more later.
KML, one thing that scares me and embarrasses me at the same time, is knowing that if I just sit here in sunny Californis, and file for D, h would have to pay me some decent money until if and when I remarry. Not just child support. It's a long term M and his income, right now, outpaces mine by far. Staying at home did not help my legal career, needless to say. And that was a sacrifice no matter how h's can spin those of us who stay at home. You can debate that all you want, but it's legally a fact. So, there's a tiny part of me screaming that by getting a well paying job, although it's up there, I'm losing a legal advantage. Sometimes being a L, does not help one's marriage... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Having a wacky negative weekend. Not as a Mom, b/c the girls are so fun and hilarious and my son called, so in short, I do feel loved as a mom. Yesterday a duck was in the pool and when I went to chase her out of the pool (ducks don't get out of the water to go pee, they just do it in my pool, which I don't like...)
I noticed little "leaves" moving and realized they were 10 little ducklings. The little guys couldn't climb out of the pool (wth was the mom duck's "plan" anyhow?) So the girls and other kids and I did a time consuming rescue/transfer. Mission accomplished. I filmed it all. I love times like that.
Went to the theater last night and watched 7 of my acting students (I"m an acting coach/director in my "free time"). "My" acting students were really shining in the show. I felt so welcome, and "in my world". I am really good at this, sorry to brag. And it is MORE rewarding than 90% of my legal work ever was....sorry to say.
How'd I miss this career option when I was young? I mean, of ALL the choices I've made in life, Not choosing drama b/c it wasn't "noble" enough, and instead going into law, has to be the oddest choice I've made. Anyhow, last night I was riding high, but started to feel sad on my way home. When I got home and h called, he began talking about getting his "bow and arrow hunting certification"....I felt kind of panicky. Like I'm losing my world and re-entering his world and I don't want to do it. I mean, I know I don't WANT to do this....
So now You guys are thinking, "J, Grow up! You said you'd go so shut up about it already!", right? Thing is, right now I feel so emotional and if I say anything to H, I guess he feels responsible (ummm, duh....) so he doesn't really want to hear more than a sentence or two. He is really excited about us going there and I believe him when he confesses his loneliness/depression at the thought of us Not joining him..
When he is with our kids, he really does interact with them. Always did. He'd get on the floor and play dolls with the girls when they were little. (Of course, now days it's really just him and d9 as the older kids are...well, older, and do not admire him the way they once did. I THINK they see him as someone they have little in common with. S20 is studying drama/film at NYU and d18's declared major is theater too. No one is pre-Med).
So now, when I express doubt/fear about going up there, then HE panics that we're not coming and gets angry at me for changing my mind. WTH?? Can't he just suck it up for me half the time I've sucked it up for HIM??? Says he already apologized....which is true. I believe He was sincerely sorry for hurting me, but then, doesn't want to go into it for long or too much. Maybe it's a guy thing...
I wonder if I were to get a job teaching acting up there, for $30k, how excited he'd be about me moving there, instead of the 6 figure job the heroes offered me. BTW, although that job WILL look good on my legal resume, it bores the crap out of me, honestly. A million dollars would be nice, but even that amount wouldn't make it interesting. I am not kidding. Yesterday I was sent a 40 page long "brief" on getting a regulatory ruling changed and the financing documented....etc, blah blah blah blah!!!!!!!...and oh, btw, it's due tomorrow....
BA, you're a L too, are you out there? Do I have to go back to criminal law to find drama or meaning in my law career? Christ, I DID criminal law before med mal, and that was a bit TOO MUCH drama, AND gross, and they were mostly really really guilty...doesn't improve much prosecuting b/c you're still dealing with horrible things and I got.tired of being in conflicts of others all the time, for a job. Enough in my own life....
Here is another fear. My own MLC. I actually have days, and sometimes hours in the same days, that I think I should just file for D asap, stay here and move on with my life. Like I don't feel anger at H, just no love. Other times I AM angry at him, of course. But more often lately, just kind of indifferent b/c we are now soooo different.....I mean, who am I now? And who is HE?
"Bow and arrow" hunting....AGAIN!?!? I'm tired of the macho life we ALL had to take up as OUR hobbies when we were there. Yep, I shoot and fish and hike and it appealed to the "tomboy" in my b/c I have 5 brothers and so, it was fine with me for a part of my life. But just a part, okay? So many of the men up there are into the whole "manly men" thing and at this point in my life, for MY LIFE, I prefer writing plays, exploring the human condition, helping young people learn to empathize and express in a way only an actor can..... H didn't take acting classes, or my hobbies, or whatever.
After feeling this way for a morning, or day, Two hours later I'll hear a song of "ours" and feel romantic and lonely for him. wth?? I know our being so far apart is so stressful and makes everything harder...sometimes just getting a hug I know would help. Maybe I should call him and say, "screw the expense, fly down sooner"...???
Other times I think, "No, I want to sit here on the beach and look at the happy people who are in the sunshine and NEVER leave here....I know I belong here. Is this rational? AM I in my own MLC? Is this the "real" me and the plan of going up there is just caving in? Will this pass? Am I just freaking out b/c of the pending losses and stresses (d18 going off to college makes me sad and I KNOW that is just the way life is)....
Thanks for listening and letting me vent guys. Nothing is irrevocable. But life is passing and tomorrow is promised to no one. My bil is dying of a brain tumor and how do any of us know that our spouses will be there for us ever? Maybe we'll spend so much TIME in pain, trying to be the best spouses we can be, only to find that our time is so much more limited than we realized...and I've wasted a lot of mine trying to please others....my career was NOT done for myself. It was fulfilling other's expectations and I bought into it.
Like I said, thanks for letting me vent here, Input welcome as usual. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I chose law instead of art because being an elementary art teacher was not worthy.
The fine arts majors thought I was a joke, and my family thought I was wasting my mind...
Wonder, J., if we had pursued what we wanted and we had been true to ourselves, maybe we would not find ourselves in this place with our spouses?
If you were on a career path that you loved right now, living out your dream, would you even think twice about going to Alaska to be with him?
I don't know about you, but I won't find my heart in the law. I gave up on that years ago. Now I am settling for it supporting me (and thank God I can now that I am alone) and my bad habits.
It kills my soul to think of you going into that job, J.
I want you to save your marriage, I really do, you are truly one of the ones I am rooting for.
You've probably read this, but...
The Journey
One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice -- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life you could save.
Hi, I had posted what is below previously to you and I'm still curious as to your response. Also, as someone who worked at a job that I hated for 30 yrs, I strongly encourage you to do what you love where you love it!!!!
You seem to be at such an indecisive place as to whether to stay or go. Are you happy with your life now?
He wants to be with you as long as you and D give up your home, family, friends, etc., and move somewhere that you've made it clear you don't want to be. And....yes, he's lonely. Statistics show that there are about 9 men to every 1 woman in Alaska. Hmmm.... What is he willing to do for you once you move there? And, why is he not willing to move where you are if he's so bent on making you happy?
your questions are good and valid and of course, depressing... I have a DB coach who (btw, mine is really really good for me, and not just pro-M at all costs, etc.) insists I structure some sort of creative outlet there, or it's doomed. I agree and when I say this to H, he agrees. I also asked him the $30k question, "how excited would you be if I were to go up there and teach drama for $30k and Not take the heroe's job, earning 6 figures with fat promises of more...?" H said "I just want you to be here. Do whatever you want here, just come..."
(Q- give the guy credit...it Was a good answer)
H also says the things like wanting to "prove" he can "be a better H" and I think I posted earlier about some of his wanting the "chance to eat crow"...knows he has "a lot of crow to eat" with me and d9, etc....
Does he really KNOW the damage done? Hell, do any of us? And Q, are you saying that the only way h can "prove" himself to me/us, to quit his job there, his claimed "dream" of early retirement and a "great life"....?? H has asked me that several times, and I am not sure what the answer is, other than to say, "it'd be a start." His jobs have been hard, including 3 years at a burn unit, which did suck. The job he had here was prestigious, but over an hour commute each way. Nope, he did not have to take that job and nope, we didn't have to have THIS house, which was his choice, "for us". (The choice of this house, which was/is a stretch for us, and huge upkeep, will ALWAYS be a mystery to me, given what his apparent plans were. But then, maybe that's another symptom of MLC, inexplicable choices, in hindsight...)
h has always worked super hard, but also seems to believe that somewhere out there, is a "secret" to having it all. And if only he can find that secret, he won't have to work hard...or something. I wish, and pray, that he could see that we already had it all...right in front of him. I know I'm mindreading and analyzing, and who cares why it all happened anyway? Just trying to minimize the chance of a reoccurrence.
Other than the money, the other 2 things that are "good" about the heros' job offer is that it'd be socially a lot easier to "plug in" compared to starting out as a sahm joining the PTA, auditioning, and "paying my dues" (sigh) in the theater "group" up there...It is a lot harder to make friends in a new place if you have no social contacts, outside of the 5th grade moms. The problem I had in Alaska the first time we lived there, was arriving there without a job and with a baby 6 weeks away. People seemed to cut my IQ in half when they see you pregnant or with an infant.
Oh, AND, I guess, the job would be a pinch hit for the "home team". God knows they need help. And h is on that team. They have a desparate need at least temporarily for probably 3 lawyers, a business planner, a compliance person, public relations, lobbyist, risk management department, and oh, btw, I think that's all me...(flattering, huh!!??) And scary.
But having the job on my resume would enable me to live elsewhere and increase my salary demands if I need to get the hell out of there. In that sense, my security is increased. And, in theory, I can do my writing anywhere. It isn't the writing, it's selling the writing that requires networking...(but I don't want to use that as an excuse not to try, okay?) **we are not selling the house here and for at least 6 months, we are not renting it out either. I need my escape route, and h has agreed. Eventually we'll figure something out there, b/c it is a huge house to have empty. But I can't cut all ties here and go up there, and feel safe. So for now, I'm making this a condition. yikes!! I'm babbling....sorry. gotta go play with my kids now, so they remember I'm their mom. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
