Lin, There are so many similarities here it feels kind of eerie... I'm the stable one too. H decided that I knew how a marriage worked because I came from a stable home and I was honest and he was in love. He never said anything he disagreed with because he did not want to 'rock the boat'. After he left I discovered everything for myself. It was really powerfull like my life flashing before me with all the things i did wrong.
I acted like his protector too and he felt smothered by me. You know, it did not do me any good either. I became angry because I felt I always had to be the stronger one...Boy was I wrong!
After he left I stopped giving him advice completely. Let him figure out everything for himself.but he knew he could always call me anytime All the time I had this feeling this wasn't real. I told myself that however nasty he became i would not stop loving him or abandon him like his parents. I never told him this because he felt smothered by me and I still want him to see me as his wife. Like you my H told me in the beginning he thought i did not love him.
I'm not sure but I feel I gave him a lot of mixed signals lately. Like me seeing other men which might be totally wrong considering his background. I feel bad about it because I felt like I let him down. (can you imagine..!!!) Anyway I'm there for him I listen more than I talk which is a new thing. Before i just kept on giving him advice on how to handle stuff.
The past week when he told me he felt really depressed I asked if he considered counseling. He said he might. He also saw a regression therapist but this made him very confused.
Lin, I really like talking to you! Do you mind if I ask you for advice now and then? I just want to be sure I do the right thing in helping him along. i tried to explain to his family that he is in a MLC but they come from all these divorce situations so they just look at me like I'm a fool...(but they are really sweet!!!)So I'm on my own like you. Noone tells him what he is doing is wrong but i feel he must know that deep inside. He even mentioned it a week and a half ago. "Sometimes I look at myself and I wonder what I am doing."
I have to say his family sounds like my H's family...I tried to call and explain to them the issues he was having with depression and all they can do is say "well I went through this or that too and I am not sitting on a pity pot!"...I tried to explain the whole MLC thing too...falls on deaf ears...I finally just told his mom and brother that they could continue to believe as they wish but I was seeing it with my own eyes...he wasn't playing me...he is truly depressed and actually denied it for over a year!!!...Like your H's family...his is normally very sweet too...and of course since they have all been through divorces and broken homes they just "support" H in whatever makes him happy...but you know what...when they first found out he was back with me they were not happy campers!!!...Can you imagine after all the work I did to reunite this family and they resented our getting back together...well, I guess they are over it now...I extended the olive branch...appologized for anything that I may have done/said that offended them...and just let them know that I love them...my home and family is open to them...
That is all we can do...
Sad that it took our H's leaving (2X4 to the side of the head) for use to really examine the dynamics of our relationships..I always thought we had the perfect marriage....duh!
This is what scares me too. They support him in whatever makes him happy. So much for all the X-masses and B-day partys I threw them...
Good you turned the other cheak. Well done and very admirably. Did you ever find out why they did not applaude you getting back together? Or do you think there was a bit of yealousy involved? His family being all divorced and all?
Yes I am really really tough on myself that i did not see the things which bothered him earlier. You know I did see but most of the time preffered not to see... All in all we had a good M lot's of fun, coziness and sharing. Lately my DH talks about his memories of us. Like do you remember so and so... It gives me a bit of hope... I do hope he will come through and live nearby - which means two streets away in the same block... Take care aswell! B
Well part of the problem as I see it is jealousy...but mostly because they thought (incorrectly) that I was the reason H was not contacting them anymore....when really it was H feeling pressured by them to move back "home" and accept their religion in place of the one he chose...they felt that I was holding him hostage I guess...
Anyway...I did let them know that H is welcome to make the long distance phone calls anytime he wants to...and actually I will ask him if he has called or wants to call...so it isn't me...also, I have always told them they are welcome to call anytime...I won't lie about whether he is here or not...so if he is here they can talk to him....things seem better now...they have even called and talked to me!...it is strange because I keep trying to remember what occurred about the time they stopped talking to me...it was before H and I broke up...His brother was in a car accident in Nov 1999 and remained in a coma until Feb 2000....after his release from the hospital I sent money and food to help them out...we did this for several months until he was strong enough to start looking for work...I got a few thank you's but for all the effort I went through I felt I was kicked in the gut when I needed them and was concerned for H's health (after we broke up I found out he had diabetes and was not treating it)....so anyway...bottom line is...things are better...and I will leave the past where it belongs...keep on keeping on...that is all we can do...
You and I sound a lot alike....it seems we have had to work on the same things....
Yes! We do sound alike. I admire you because it isn't easy when you did so much for a family and they don't return anything. I do get support in the way they will tell me DH is crazy but they will not say it to his face.
In your last post I read yet another similarity. My DH does not contact his family either! This last thursday our DS turned three and I threw him a party on saturday. I invited his family and they came. DH called said he was looking forward to seeing everybody again and called the day before the party to say he might drop by. I feel he was getting cold feet seeing everyone again and just wanted to keep all options open. He did come and when his sister asked how he was doing he said he needed the time alone to think and not to be influenced by his family....
You are a very positive woman to let things which happened in the past stay in the past. I know you do this for your DH (and yourself) and he will keep recognising what a wonderfull wife he has!! B
Things are going ok...H has started doing more dishes since the girls and I are the ones working full time...he has ramped up his efforts to get a job...I have found a few things that interest him...so we will see...
I got my dream summer job...I am working in our city's parks and rec department as a teen travel counselor/driver...we go on field trips every day for 9 weeks!!! Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm, Universal Studios, Sea World and on and on...they pay my way in...and on most days provide my lunch!!!...and I get paid!!! I am so so stoked about this...plus my son gets a discount in the program and he qualified for $150 dollar scholarship so that I can afford from him to go to 3 weeks of fun-filled camp...it will be extra for him to go to amusement parks but I will figure a way to make sure he has fun this summer and stays active and busy...
H is now back in counseling for his emotional issues...he is doing better since stopping his cholesterol medication...this is the second one he has tried and they seem to make him sluggish and eventually depressed...so now he is on an upswing again...
I am hanging in there...not easy all he time but it is getting better...I love him and he loves me...this time I hope love is enough to get us through all the crap that life seems to throw at us...
I hope things are going well with all of you....Lin
Well this past week was wild to say the least...not much related to H other then just trying to keep him motivated to get a job...
It started out with me taking Tues. morning off so I could go to his first Psychiatrist appointment...I wanted to make sure that if things were a bit emotionally rough for him that he would get home safe...
So now the drama begins...I went to my early morning Jazzercise class and when I returned home my sister called me all in a panic...saying she was scared to death and so glad that I didn't go to work today...so obviously I ask what she is talking about...she says "Your bus was in a serious accident (I drive a school bus for special needs children) and they have closed off the road, life flight is taking two kids to children's hospital, and they are calling for grief counselors"...well I freaked out because my oldest D is also my transportation assistant and I had driven her to work....so my first thought was "Oh my GOD, Bonnie!"...My sister then told me she was sorry she didn't mention that she had talked to my other D who also works on a bus and she found out that another AIDE called in sick so they pulled my oldest from my route to put on another route that has medically fragile children....so WHEW...my D was okay...then my thoughts went to my "kids"....well thankfully later the news said that they life-flighted the two students as a precaution and because the traffic was making it impossible to get the ambulance to the scene in a timely manner...As it turns out, they were all okay...just scared and a bit jostled about...the bus driver....she had just retired and told them that was the very last day she would drive...and it was but thankfully she was just banged and bruised....nothing broken...the other driver who hit the bus broadside doing an estimated 75 MPH while talking on her cell phone (23 years old...go figure) was the worse for it all...she had glass cuts (hitting bus is like hitting a tank!) and neck/back injuries...very scary and very tragic...
So now to my future funnest summer ever...instead of driving for summer school I am going to be a camp counselor and driver for our city day camp program...I get to go to all the local amusement parks, provided most of my lunches, paid entrance, plus going to local sights and beaches!!!...a different field trip every day!!!...WAIT...it get's better...because we are lower income...my son gets a scholarship that pays for a portion of the day camp for him, plus I get a small discount for being an employee....plus he is with me for most of the camps...and the tuition I do pay is tax deductible!!!...so I get to play all summer, drive in cush a/c vans, and work full-time instead of part-time...making this what could be the most EXHAUSTING summer EVER...what was I thinking...I have to keep up with 10 kids for 9 weeks solid!!!...well...I won't be getting any fatter this summer, lol...
So that is where I am at currently...hope you are all doing well and taking care....LIN
Oh Lin, I'm gald your 'family' and daughter were OK! I so know the feeling of hearing horrible news but I'm happy things turned out fairly well!
Your job sounds great! You deserved it and I hope you really enjoy yourself this summer! Things are really looking up for you. you know pulling together. Your DH is back, your job is nice with ditto income. It makes me smile because it gives a sort of feeling of justice.
I picked up pictures of DH this week. They were old ones and new ones and the thing is I see a shallow man in them. I see that in his eyes he's gone. A sort of real absent look. You know what I mean? It hurts so bad I can't even start.
Well, I guess this one of those MLC things (I hope) I'll check in on you later!!
