Well COG there is actually so much to update on and I cant even remember how long it has been since I posted. Last year this week of May was the hardest week of my life to date,, my Husband told me on May 1st that he wanted a Divorce and that this wasn't working .... I still remember Mothers Day like it was yesterday and the sheer agony of it all. Wow those were some tough days!
I feel better now though I must admit and lately I do not think so much @ the OW. Time has helped heal me some more and I truly feel like I can get thru this and over it so that it doesn't feel so fresh and I do not think @ it so much. My H still has the Tattoo and the other day we went to lunch and as we were walking towards the restaurant we saw a Tattoo Shop and he said .." MAYBE I WIL COVER THIS LATER ".. WELL later never came. He even went out for the afternoon with friends and he was gone for what seemed like forever and I really thought for a minute he was getting a Tattoo but when he returned he had not gone to get a Tattoo he was playing cards. He did apologize for taking so long and that for him is a Rare occurence ,, he is actually getting more mellow as the days go by and this is not so fresh anymore. I listened and then said well I thought you were taking so long cause you were getting a that covered and he said no I wanted to....
What I like is now he does not get defensive Re: that subject anymore .like he used to. I think that says alot. Also in late April , when he was stil out of town working I told him how much I missed him and he said well then come and see me ....
So being the FOOL IN LOVE THAT I AM ....at 2:30 in the morning I drove HIS BIG DUALLY truck @ 6.5 hours south and arrived the next morning. We had a FANTASTIC TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He had a few cruel comments and I let the first one go and then when the next day came and he had two more I let it go and then later when it seemed like the right moment I told him it was ok to criticize me @ x, y or z but there was no need at all to be cruel. That it was unacceptable.. and he actually just listened and did not say a word back. That for me was a very new
THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED ON MY 4 DAYS WITH HIM... was when he saw me ( after @ 2 weeks of not seeing me ) he looked at me the way he used and like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever , ever seen and said..
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU , I love you so much... AND I missed you soooooooooooooooooo much more times than I can remember. And to be perfectly honest I felt his vulnerability and truth so much in this moment that I was reduced to tears and he said to me "lets talk.." and of course I was speechless. It was even more bittersweet for me b/c last year at this time I was very keenly aware that I was losing him and I felt my world crumbling and like I had no control of my ~ VERY OWN ~ life.
I have come a very long way from the anniversary of the BOMB last year , as the days approached I felt nervous but my H seems to be growing some more and being more available to me and open and I am feeling very blessed. He is really trying to just be Happy with himself and me and I love it. He is actually helping me heal more by being who I need him to be. He is tearing down the wall even more and it seems like he is getting more comfortable with me and in his own skin.
I will continue to post here and work on me ... It is that important..
