My heart has been completely torn apart

[I_Surrender]

Well today I realized that I am in mourning.
Why am I in mourning I ask myself?
It could have been something which I overheard Reverend Jim a number of years before he married us, say when he responded to my friend's question. He asked him "Why does it say 'until death' in the marriage vows?"
Jim responded by saying, "It could mean the death of your love..."
That is exactly why I am grieving so deeply. I am grieving the loss of our marriage as it once was.

I did a lot of googling on grief and found a lot of helpful documents.
Mainly I learned that the grief I am feeling is as deep as a sudden death of a close loved one. Possibly, not only mourning the loss of all that was in the marriage but the death of all one's dreams as I perceived them.
Understanding some of this has helped me quite a bit.
I also understand the feelings I have are normal, and I should not try and suppress them.

I also found some topics which made me afraid.
One article suggested that reconciliation is possible for the marriage, but it will not be the same marriage as before.
Tears welled up and I cried, of course I want things to be the same. I want everything to be back the way that it was. I don't want a different marriage.
Alas it can never be the same.
The intimacy, the uninhibited innocence and proudness that I felt, when I knew confidently how long we had been together, unwavering while marriages had failed around us. We were a pillar for all our friends, and example for our children. That has all changed.

I also came to realize that I don't want to be in a marriage without passionate fiery kisses, uninhibited flirting, and blind trust.
Veiled gazes, kisses that feel like a half open door, and trust of one another that hangs by a long thread, are not for me. I could not live like that the rest of my life.
I don't want to be the couple that does not hold hands, who's hugs are measured, who's lovemaking is clouded by the past indiscretions.

So today I feel more freedom to cry and hurt as much as I want. I feel that I have permission to not be functioning at 100% level at work or during any of my other activities. To have no appetite and to be easily distracted.