A wise person on this board said to me a little while ago, "do you want to fix your marriage or do you want to be right?" Or something to that effect. So I'm asking you the same question.
It does not matter whether your wife is seeking an A or not; she is still extremely vulnerable to one. I'll say it again: you are making a HUGE mistake if you ASSUME that your wife won't have an A because she doesn't like sex, or for some other reason.
If you want to try to fix your marriage, then take the advice of the wise posters in this thread and DO SOMETHING about it!! Your wife IS screaming out for attention. Stop making excuses. Stop blaming your wife for everything. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Take the advice of NOP and Blackfoot. Do something.
Don't let your stubbornness put the nail in the coffin of your M and rip your family apart. I have seen within my own FOO how stubbornness can rip a family apart, causing deep wounds that can never be healed. Don't let this happen to your family. You will regret it one day, I'm certain.
My brother and my parents have a strained R and my SIL will have nothing to do with them (or with me). My mother and my SIL are grudgers who hold on to every little transgression with a white-knuckled grip. I tried to recall recently how we all came to be on the outs and I can't even remember the sequence of events anymore. I no longer care who did or said what to whom. All I care about is having an R with my brother and his wife, but it will never happen because she can't let go of the past. She can't forgive. She's never met our S4. On the rare occasions we do see my brother, he comes alone. It's very sad. That's the feeling I get when I read your posts.
I remember trying to get my mother to extend an olive branch to my brother. "Why should I have to do that? His wife is the one who did/said blah, blah, blah. I'm his MOTHER. He should have more respect for me." I said, "Do you want a R with your son or not? One of you has to be the grown-up. I guess it has to be you." She did approach him and apologize (for telling him she wished his wife was dead. ) They now have a cordial R, but it will never be the same.
If you just don't want to fix your M, just can't get past being wronged, then put yourself and your wife out of your respective miseries and get a divorce. Get it over with. You can get on with your life and she can get on with hers. Why drag it out?
I know what you're going through isn't easy. But it won't go away. It will continue to wear you both down. You HAVE to make a decision one way or the other. To continue on your current path is self-destructive.
) They now have a cordial R, but it will never be the same.