W gets home last night around 1:30ish. She was in a good mood, washing her face and getting ready for bed. She came into our room and turns a CD on. All I could think is, you've got to be kidding me. I have to get up for work in a few hours. I figure I'll go downstairs and sleep on the couch. Let her have some space to chill or whatever it is she is doing. As I get to the end of the bed, she meets me there and says, "where are you going?". I didn't want to fight, she didn't appear to have been drinking, (she's not a big drinker generally), but I didn't want to get into any type of confrontation. I just wanted to get back to sleep as I had just dozed off after my last post. I told her I was going downstairs to get a drink. By that point, I was at the door. W says, "we can do 'stuff'". I looked at her and said, 'I know you don't want to, its okay'. I opened the door and walked out. She called my name as I was closing the door, I didn't want to get into a big thing, no drama, this wasn't about manipulation. I had thought about it and realized, if I had asked a friend for a ride somewhere and they indicated that it was something they couldn't really do for me, but would if I really needed them to...., I would probably call someone else. I wouldn't harbor any ill towards them. It's just something they can't do right now, doesn't mean they won't in the future, just not now.

If W is my best friend, doesn't the same thought process apply? I wouldn't want my best friend to do something for me that is going to put them out. I wouldn't want to put them in that position. It can't be a good thing and who knows, it might even cause them to think I'm taking advantage of them or that I don't mind putting them out.

I don't know, was/am I wrong?

I have to tell you, one side of me really wanted to take her up on the offer, it's been 3 weeks and I'm definitely a high drive type. It was a for sure 180. I just hope she didn't take it as manipulation.

Back to me standing at the door and W calling my name, to wait a minute. Before she could say anything, and the only thing I wanted to say if anything was what I posted above. I was going to give the edited version, "listen, I accept your feelings of not wanting to do anything, they are valid and I don't believe punitive. It's just where you are as a result of my actions. I would probably feel the same way. It's cool. I'm going to get a drink, we have to get up early with the kids, so let's just get some sleep." Hopefully escaping any blowout, at least from my end. I'm dropping the rope, no war from this end. Additionally, I think SIL dropping a hint my way helped my resolve to follow through on waiting. If the motivation is to be physical with me because PW recommends that W do this as a effort and sacrifice unto God..., isn't that still pressure? And won't any fallout from that be directed towards me? No thanks.

We didn't get a chance to say anything as my D5 bedroom door opens and guess who is awake needing to go potty? W takes D5 to bathroom and then D5 wants to lie in our bed. W puts her in bed next to her, I go downstairs and get a drink. When I come back to our room, W offers to go lie with D5 in D5's bed. I tell her it's okay, I have enough room and we go to sleep.

This morning, I get up, happy, no acknowledgement re; last night. Just getting on with the day. W comes over while I'm getting dressed, kids are already up and running, W lies down on bed next to me while I'm getting socks, pants on. She doesn't say anything, she's very quiet. I know she is expecting something but I'm not going there. I chalk it up to her having a late night and it's not my problem, it's all hers. I'm humming this cool tune, (even now), don't know who it's by, heard it on my D11's alarm radio, the words are something about "I believe, love is the answer...". Very cool. I get ready and leave the room, W is still lying across the bed. Not even going to go there.

Get downstairs, get everybody breakfast, hang out, laugh with my kiddies. Grateful for another day with them. The minutia, it's awesome and I'm loving it. I think back to when I was 20, wanting to tag every female in a 50 mile radius, young, dumb and full of wilding. To think that almost 20 years later the best part of my day would be hanging with my kids, debating the merits of Fruity Pebbles versus Fruit Loops? God is good.

W comes down, I can tell she is still anticipating something due to how last night went, but I'm just not going there. I'm sincere, genuine and authentic. What I posted, those thoughts are the real ME. I clear the breakfast dishes, get the dishwasher started and walk to the door with the kids, heading out to the bus. I'm feeling great, the kids are having fun. Everything is rolling along. I talk with D11 and D9 about going to the batting cages tonight. W mentions that her sister wants to have a cookout here for mothers day. I tell her I will get the grass cut and yard cleaned up, (I know a neat yard is important to W). We chat some, I'm keeping it light and I can feel her relaxing.

I ask her if she needs a ride to the gym, she says yes. We get everyone out the door to the bus and I give W a ride to the gym. As we are leaving I ask her about a new song I know she was working on, she plays it for me and it's really good. I'm learning to handle that better to. In the past I've tried to show interest in her songs by asking to hear them. When she resists, saying they aren't ready, or she isn't comfortable letting people hear them yet, I would argue that I'm genuinely interested and I don't care if it's a finished product, blah, blah, blah. Thinking I'm being supportive when it was really coming across as PUSHY/PRESSURE. My 180 here was to say, "How is the new song comnig along, are you comfortable letting me hear it yet, or do you want to wait until you're more pleased with how it sounds?" W gave the usual, it's not finished at all, it's just an idea at this point, (all while she walks over and is turning the recording equipment on to play it for me). I repeated, "hey, if you would be more comfortable waiting, that's cool, work on it some more, play it for me later or something". W responded with, "it's just really raw at this point", then hit the play button and played it for me. It really is a good song, she is talented and likes to throw in some subtle but original twists. Really good stuff. I tell her that and after the song is over, she shuts everything down and we go to the car so I can take her to the gym.

I keep it light in the car, I ask how practice went last night and if she is doing lead on anything for Sunday. W says she is, but it's not settled yet as to which song. There are two songs they practiced with her on lead, and they will pick which one to keep in the set today. I tell her that is very cool. By then we are at the gym, she leans over to give me a kiss goodbye. Yesterday and today there has been a little more to her kisses. Am I reading something into it? Maybe.., probably. Who cares. Either way, at least she isn't spitting immediately after and gargling with Listerene. \:D So that is a baby step.

I wish her a good day and a great workout. So that was the morning festivities. Tonight? Who knows. I'm resolute. I like ME. The genuine, authentic ME. I might not get laid at every opportunity. I might not hear an ILY. I will probably go all day without hearing from her. That's alright. I'm still the best friend she could ever have because that's just who I am.