It's a horrible way to live, I know it. Living with my H's ups and downs these past few years has been awful (to say the least) but I know it has not been easy for him and he is scared to death of going back "there" - so the thought of changing meds, increasing, decreasing scares the hell out of him
Obviously the best bet is to talk to your doctor. Is there any possibility of increasing the Concerta but taking you off the other? Whats the reasoning for the combination? And perhaps if you need the combination, perhaps Wellbutrin would be the better one.
I don't know, I am not a doctor. All I know is some people take a while to get their meds right. Took my gf about 4 years
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The doctor said that some of the antidepressants also help with concentration, and he also seems to think that I'm clinically depressed even apart from my depressing cognitive problems. Given my sometimes extreme desire to hide from the rest of humanity, I'm inclined to think he's right.
The song that goes "I wish the real world would just stop hassling me" speaks to me far too much.
Four years, huh? Well, I'm coming up on three, and I was beginning to think I was just SOL. Maybe there's hope after all.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
God I feel like a fool talking about all this stuff. But at least none of y'all really know me... I hope.
Have you ever had someone ask you to play a game, and you were very reluctant to because you "felt silly"? i.e., you couldn't get into the right mindset for it. Too serious, too self conscious, or just too... something? Anyway, that's the problem sometimes when I can't seem to want to play everyone's favorite contact sport. Nothing to do with whore/madonna... I don't know why, but I've always had the firm conviction that love and sex and friendship and caring really should go together... just an extreme reluctance to "put myself out there" or to really connect with her on that level. Maybe if I was more of a "player" I could go through with it even in the face of these problems, or maybe I wouldn't have these problems in the first place since that alpha confidence wouldn't allow any such hangups.
Last night she actually knew how to get me out of my shell. She encouraged me to go for a drive, asked me to put gas in her car (turning it from a favor to me into a favor to her), then talked to me and kept me interested without putting me on the spot somehow. Finally, I was mostly over it and ready to play. I'm not sure what it was that did it, and I know I can't count on her to do that every time (especially if it gets to be an everyday thing again), but I do feel better for now. I think she's happier with herself than before, or maybe she just has a lot more fuel in her love tank from the good times the last couple of months. Who knows?
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 05/11/0704:03 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
As for the "pressure" some of y'all complain about your partners feeling...
Have you ever had someone ask you to play a game, and you were very reluctant to because you "felt silly", and that someone got frustrated with you because you wouldn't play? Or you tried to get into it, just couldn't get there quickly enough (or at all), and that someone got frustrated with you because you weren't making it any fun to play with you? That's how it feels when she's feeling neglected, you can't seem to let loose and play, and then she gets frustrated while you're trying to get into the right mindset and her frustration makes you even more self-conscious.
I'm not sure what she can do at that point, other than not get frustrated in the first place, which I would guess can only happen if the problem were at most a very occasional thing to begin with.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 05/11/0704:03 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Yes, I understand the pressure of "not wanting to play" - you seem to definitely have somewhat of a societal disorder more than anything, but that's my layperson's view of course. Rather like a phobia of sorts
I am hoping the doc can find you a balance of meds that work for you, nothing more frsutrating that not feeling balanced and I think that is where you are at right now
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
And what's really frustrating is when these people keep bothering you and you just want them to go away... and if you were thinking straight, you'd know they weren't doing anything wrong and they love you and you are hurting them and rejecting them and, if you ever come to your senses, you'll miss them while they're hiding within their walls from you!
But while I'm in that state, not only can they not help me, I'm so confused that I think they need to be pushed away, that they're annoying and silly and not worth spending time with, that life would be peachy if only I didn't have to deal with those morons. Jesus, how did I manage to get from being afraid to disappoint and bother them to thinking that they are disappointing and bothering me? Why are we so eager to beat ourselves up and still so afraid to really face our actual problems and shortcomings? And why am I switching pronouns with such wild abandon?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Eddie, Your posts are really interesting to me. There is such a lot of similarity between you and my H but I was totally unaware of any of the "internal" stuff that may be going on for him. But from the outside he behaves much as you do.
His mum, dad and brother are all neat, tidy, organised people, he was regarded as the black sheep of the family, the one with two left feet, the one with the bomb-pit of a bedroom. His dad has told me that H was a difficult child - but not gone into detail.
I can't really see that he suffers from ADD but it is possible. (although I see more of that in myself frankly). He has hyper-focus for sure which is supposed to be a trait of ADD. He also uses caffiene, alcohol and nicotine definitely in a medicating way. I am almost sure now from what I'm reading about you that he uses alcohol to sedate himself into concentrating. He comes home at night, cracks open a beer and gets straight to the computer to finish off all kinds of work he feels duty bound to finish. The rest of the evening is spent drinking beer while at the computer. With regular trips out back to smoke a cigarette.
The H part of ADHD is not really him at all. He is the most physically unenergetic person I have ever come across.
He certainly acts serious most of the time and can't abide silliness. Certainly he has the bad attitude you speak of. I have long ago given up even asking him to do anything for me because I know I will just get a bad attitude. If it is something I can't do myself then I leave it until it is a glaring necessity that he just can't ignore. And he still gets a bad attitude about it. Except it is him that is beating himself up about it but he somehow seems to be able to act like it is me. He also seems to need telling about things several times over even something obvious and that he agrees with. Example: there is a tree outside our house, if you park the car under the tree it ends up with bird-sh!t on it, so I prefer to park the car not under the tree. H knows this, knows why, is totally congruent with the idea that he doesn't want bird-sh!t on the car and yet he consistently parks the car under the tree unless I yell at him. (asking nicely has no effect). If I yell at him then he won't do it for about 6 months then he goes back to doing it.
Quote:
Have you ever had someone ask you to play a game, and you were very reluctant to because you "felt silly", and that someone got frustrated with you because you wouldn't play? Or you tried to get into it, just couldn't get there quickly enough (or at all), and that someone got frustrated with you because you weren't making it any fun to play with you? That's how it feels when she's feeling neglected, you can't seem to let loose and play, and then she gets frustrated while you're trying to get into the right mindset and her frustration makes you even more self-conscious.
This has a ring to it that reminds me of my H. There has always been something of the wet blanket about him to me. If I am having fun he just seems to want to extinguish it.
I am feeling pretty despondent about our sitch right now. I just can't see it getting better. I've invited him to this board but he won't come. We tried C but it didn't help. I didn't really even have to say much during the C sessions. I let him do most of the talking. Then the C would say things that made me think (YESS!) and H would feel guilty, put-upon and down-hearted.
I would like to get him to read this thread. He may recognise himself and seek some treatment.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
In my case, I saw that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep up with work, and if I kept on this way, I would lose job after job until I became unemployable. At that point, the only way to support my kids would be to commit suicide. Thus, my life ultimately depended on doing whatever it took to turn things around, and it was easy to decide that I would prefer admitting that I had a problem and going on medication and sucking up the shame and embarassment of it over having to choose between completely failing my kids and death.
Treatment brought partial results, which brought a more optimistic outlook on life and clearer thinking, which led to better behavior and better relationships.
My wife swears she told me several times to see a doctor. I really don't remember it. She says that she did stop because she saw the futility of trying to drag me into treatment when I was resistant to the idea. I had to come to that conclusion all by myself.
And of course there's been continued frustration. Don't expect a doctor to make him all better at once. I've been going down this road for three years now, and I'm not anywhere near as far as I'd hoped to be.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
In my case, I saw that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep up with work, and if I kept on this way, I would lose job after job until I became unemployable.
That's not really him. He is very employable and in fact now runs his own business - of course this means doing even more work. In his past job (which he stayed in for 10 years - even though he hated it) he just took on more and more of what everyone else was supposed to be doing - which is why he hated it. I told him so many times that people won't pick up the rope til you drop it but his over-arching sense of duty wouldn't let him do that. He really couldn't stand his colleagues and bosses in particular but kept at it because of a sense of duty to the clients.
When he finally did get going on his own he took most of those clients with him. He has an almost super-human capacity to keep working, but I do often wonder if he'd get more done and more useful stuff done if a) he didn't have to break of every 10 mins to go and smoke and b) he left things alone so others would step in. Especially the more menial stuff. He just doesn't trust anybody to do as good a job as he does. He now has an employee and is also working in partnership with another small start-up so he does have others around who can do stuff.
In his worst moments he will yell stuff at me like "all that matters to you is that I keep bringing in more and more money" which is so far from the truth it's almost laughable. I have never been a material girl. I go clothes shopping twice a year (spring & autumn). The house has the same half-assed kitchen in it that it had when we moved in (I don't actually care - it does the job). Lou (DIY) always feels like BB is putting pressure on him to buy new and better stuff - well that's not me. I'm a make do and mend type of person. The fact is that if he would stop working so hard the whole time I might actually have a H I could relate to rather than a money-making machine. I didn't want to marry a money-making machine and the truth is it is him who has turned himself into this shell of a human being that I feel no connection with. I guess that's why he gets the feeling I don't care :-(
I am really pleased for you Eddie that you are turning things around and your W sounds like a great lady.
The more likely diagnosis for my H might be OCD I guess. But then I get down when I do that because my mum spent her entire M diagnosing my dad. Now she is gone it is pretty clear to all that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him - he is a fine robust human being with a great sense of humour and a generous heart. She on the other hand.... my head hurts - sometimes I feel like I am living like Alice through the Looking Glass.
Sorry for my ramblings.
Fran
Last edited by haphazard; 05/12/0707:40 AM.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
