So many posters on this site have helped me. Sometimes it was things you did, sometimes what you didn't do. There were times it helped me when you made me cry.
Just a few things that helped me get here, in case it triggers ideas in someone reading.
My H and I always had an *agreement*-- we both couldn't go crazy at the same time. All of you have little sayings/signs, your own relationship "code words" that no one else knows. When in those conversations--(those db opportunities when we bite our tongues nearly in half trying NOT to mention OR), I find ways to work the code phrases into the dialogue.
Same with traditions. We're getting back together by going back to the beginning with a lot of things. We're mixing it up by starting new ones at the same time. You guys taught me how to "Listen Reflectively"! Instead of monopolizing the conversation with the details about how overwhelmed I was, living the life HE had to leave, I actually learned about what he's interested in! What a concept.
It was a fine line, for me, between detaching and losing all my respect and feelings for him. I had no idea if I would be happy with what I got back should he agree to end his affair and give our marriage another chance. I wondered if I ever really knew him.
It really helped me to go back and dig out those pictures and memories and write down things I loved about him. I had to refer to that list a lot for a while, knowing all along that we can't go back, but just hoping I could find enough of a core relationship to build upon.
A few nights ago I told him I keep our bedroom clock set to "his time" because I like waking up and knowing what time it is where he is. I told him I there were lots of cards I bought and letters I wrote that I never sent. I've been writing for years. I always resented that he wasn't a "reader". He said he wanted to read every single thing I've ever written, but that he'd need glasses now.
Don't worry! I'm not stupid enough to actually let him read everything I've ever written. I'm just trying to show an example of how some things actually do get better than they were before the "bomb". How sometimes you have to look for it though, when you're fighting the resentment of what you've been through and what you face ahead of you. Sometimes if you keep working on the "little things" the big things kind of start falling into place.
So yeah. That and phone sex. . . . . . . lol, like anyone got this far anyhow........
